Beyond just the girl

Adventures in cooking #2

2012-01-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

The other day I began doing a google search for a white wine reduction sauce. I had batched Chef Robert on Restaurant impossible make one, and got the idea to try and make one myself. The recipe that I came across was a low carb but looked tasty. It didn't look to complicated, and as a self proclaimed chickatarien, I loved it more because it was a chicken recipe.

The recipe is called chicken breasts stuffed with spinach, Ricotta, and Gorgonzola cheese, with a zesty lemon sauce. Note to self though, the next time I make this recipe I need to make sure that I have tooth picks.

You start off by beating (tenderizing) two chicken breasts (you can do more if you have more than two in a package). Put the chicken between two sheets of plastic wrap, and use a rolling pin or a meat tenderizer (if you don't have either just use what you got). After you have gotten the chicken to a 1/4 in thick, you put the spinach, bacon and cheese mixture onto the middle of the breast, then fold and tuck the folds of the chicken with a tooth pick (or two).

Place the chicken in a skillet with either vegetable oil or extra virgin olive oil, brown and cook the chicken until its cooked all the way and the cheese melted. Then you serve it with the sauce. The sauce is a combo of one lemon juiced, disjoin mustard, chicken stock and white wine. The sauce didn't turn out well for me so I just ate the chicken the way it was.

It was very yummy, up until a few days ago I has never eaten Gorgonzola cheese, it's a very different cheese sort of crumbly and a little pungent, but once it's been cooked or added with something else, it adds so much more flavor to the dish. My advice is to go out on a limb try something new and you will be surprised.

Bonne manger!

History...fascinating!

2012-01-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

As some people know, I am a huge history buff. To me it's an utterly fascinating subject, that never seems to not pique my interest. I still remember being in the library when I was in elementary school, and when I was supposed to be paying attention to something else, I saw the PBS broadcasting of the discovery of the Titanic. From that moment on, history as well as the Titanic became my fascination.

I'll get back to more on the Titanic later, I want to talk about the history that surrounds us, that is disappearing due to the loss of labour and manufacturing to other countries because it's cheaper, and as everybody knows its always about the money. In my sleepless state I came across this shoe on the History channel called, Abandoned. I've only seen this one show but it sucked me in immediately.

These three guys are at this factory called Scranton Lace. From 1916 to 2002 the factory produced Nottingham Lace, named so for Nottongham, England where the looms and even the first workers had come from. The factory is as you could or should tell from the titles of the show,the building is now abandoned. It closed its doors in 2002 with only about fifty employees left from a once grand 1,400. It really makes you wonder what in the hell has happened to us. We as Americans have seem to gone all cheap on everything, only wanting more and more money.

This lace factory is AMAZING! They really knew how to treat their employees. They had an infirmary, a bowling alley, a gym, and even a beauty shop with a full time barber. They were even a major part of the war effort in the 1940's by producing masquito netting, camoflogue netting, and parachutes. Is that not fascinating? Well, to me it is.

However, the sad part is, because labour was cheaper overseas, the demand for producing lace in the U.S. dramatically reduced, sending long standing, hardworking companies such as Scranton Lace into closing their doors. Why is that? Do you know how many jobs it could still have if they were not closed and still producing American made products? All those people in that area would have jobs and since their were jobs the local economy would more than likely be a fairly stable one.

I can understand the need for money, I'm an unemployed vet so really I do get it, but going overseas because it's cheaper and the labour restrictions are not the same or as demanding as withing the states, is a ridiculous reason to go overseas to produce products. We have the means to produce products right here in our own back yards so to speak, but instead we send our work over to China, the Philippines, and Taiwan.

People are out of work in the U.S. teach them a trade, teach them how to work in a factory such as Scranton Lace so that they have a job, they have a steady means of income, and so that we as Americans can start depending on ourselves again. We keep throwing history away and building over it to make bigger and better things, but loosing a little piece of ourselves time and time again.History has a pattern of repeating itself, and if we do not learn from history and our past mistakes, then how in the hell are we going to survive? History dearves to be preserved, and taken care of.

I wish I was able to go off on adventures like these men were doing, just walling through an old abandoned factory just looking at the history that was all around. It's an amazing opportunity to do something like that, but it would be another amazing opportunity to reopen such a nostalgic place, and provide jobs for the community as well as a boost to our crumbling economy. It's my opinion that the less we look in our own backyard to help preserve who we have come to be as people and a nation, and the more we look to subsidize everything to foreign
Laces, we are just inviting something to come and bite us in the ass.

I know I said I would get to the Titanic story, and I will, just not tonight. I rambled on for too long. I hope you enjoyed or understood my ratings, I love history and I hate to see it disappear and be one obsolete simply because people have turned into cheapscapes, tight fisted, money grubbing hungry. If we can not depend on our nation and the pepople who run it, then who can we trust? What's next?

Bonnie nuit, et merci

Dance

2012-01-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

Once again, this is yet another post about my younger days, but it's fond memories with a little bit of current knowledge attached. So, please, read on.

When I was little, starting from the time I was five until I was fourteen, I was a dancer. I took tap, jazz, and ballet at a small dance studio in the small town where I'm from. I really did enjoy it. Getting to dance and get all dressed up with make-up and my hair done in a cute bun, I enjoyed it when I was little.

My secret ambition when I was growing up was to dance with the New York City ballet. As most people know, that dream did not come true. Not only that, but it is very difficult to even get to the level to be able to audition for such a prestigious company. I just didn't know that at the time, and I didn't even know how to achieve that dream.

There were many years where I wanted to dance en pointe, but my teacher kept saying I had to wait until I was twelve or thirteen. That's generally the age when girls can begin learning pointe. It has everything to do with the bones in the foot.

When I finally reached that age, she would not instruct me, she kept telling me one more year, then one more year. She had only taught pointe to three other girls, and it was apparently a nightmare trying to do so. But then again, it wasn't even a proper studio. most dance studios didn't have tile floors, they would either have a floor made of wood or one specifically for dancing. I had finally gotten my teacher to teach me pointe, but that didn't even last very long.

Pointe work is very difficult, but I loved it and I just wanted to be this beautiful ballerina, so graceful and elegant. I wasn't though, I was just a fat kid that was good at what she had been taught. I didn't want to give up on dancing on my toes, yes, it was hard and abusive on my feet, but it was everything that I had wanted from dance.

I stopped dancing when I got into high school. It was hard to work my dance schedule with my marching band schedule, and then try and work once I had a job. I did try and go back, but it was never the same. Besides, those girls that were in my group were younger than me, I had never moved up in age groups like I should have, but for a time my group was ok, although loud.

When I finally decided to try and dance again, I found a new place that was actually in a building beside where I worked. Going there was amazing. The teacher had actually studied and worked with some really prestigious companies. She had been with the Geoffrey Ballet, and had been a teaching liaison at the American Ballet Theatre, she had even studied with the Atlanta Ballet at their education center. I learned more from her, in one session than I ever had at my small rinkie-dink dance studio.

There is so much more out there now, for people who really want to peruse ballet and dance. I was perusing the shelves at the book store the other day, and I came across a Pointe magazine. I had a subscription to them years ago, but I haven't re-nued it in years. I think I still have their very first issue. I got it free since it was an up and coming magazine. It's thicker today than it was then, mainly because it's grown so much.

As I was looking through the pages, I noticed how many summer programs their are now. Some even go on a tour of the U.S. looking for students. Its great to see that there are all these programmes out there for those who really want a career in the ballet industry or just to improve more. Sometimes I wish, that I knew of these programmes when I was a kid, but I don't know if I would've been good enough to get in, considering how little education I actually had.

I still want to dance and I still want to be en pointe, as they say. Only thing is, I need a new pair of pointe shoes...Daisy decided one afternoon while I was asleep that my very nice hand made, Bloch pointe shoes were tasty. Therefore one shoe box is completely destroyed. My advice to anyone who wants to dance, whether it be pointe or any other form, go for it, and now, thanks to the Internet, there are numerous resources out there to be discovered.

Adventures in cooking

2012-01-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

As most of my friends and family know, I love to cook. My Mom wonders where I got it from, because she does not enjoy cooking that often. When I was little, and from what I can remeber, my Mom did not really cook a great deal of different things. It was generally Spaghetti with meat sauce with garlic toast, pork-chops (which I despised), rice, butter beans, green beans, black beans, occasionaly I could talk her into spinach quiesh (the ex didn't like quiesh), lasganiagh from a box (it was good, and it was fast), creamed beef on toast, my favorite and still is today was cubed steak or chicken fried steak, howver you wan't to put it, mashed potatoes, and maccaronni and cheese, There might be more that I am forgetting, but even Mom will admit she can't remeber what happened yesterday let alone what she used to cook when I was little.

Although, she does remeber the good stuff from when I was a kid.

I love of cooking stated fairly early, it probably stemmed from watching my Nanny make us waffles and cookies, although I still smell collard greens when ever I see her, no matter if she's made them or not, its just one of those memory smells that has yet to leave. When I mas in middle school, I actually took home economics twice. I learned how to make an omelet, and my favorite...cinnamon rolls! I learned to sew too, but the best was the cooking.

Ever since I've been on my own, my experimentation in the world of culinary cuisine has grown. My ideas come from watching food network. The other day, I was watching an episode of the Barefoot Contessa, she was making a spinach and cheddar souffle. I had never made a souffle before, and I had actually been wanting to make one. Theirs a recipe for a chocolate souffle on the back of the ghirardelli baking chocolate wrapper.

Since the Barefoot Contessa made it look rather simple, I decided I would try and make the souffle. It turned out really well. Although I did mix up the part where it calls to put the egg YOLKS in the flour, butter mixture...I put the egg WHITES in there! It was funny to me, I seem to always do that, misread directions . I think it was a bit to eggy, and I probably should have used the aged cheddar like the Contessa recommended, but I'm trying to pinch penny's and I just bought the packaged cheese. It probably DOES make a difference in taste. To rectify me using whites, instead of yolks, after I had already mixed the whites in, I went ahead and just figured I'd add in the yokes too. Then when it really called to add the whites, I added more....I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to cooking.

The spinach was a little troublesome, mainly because it didn't thaw completely and I had to spray it with water to melt the remaining ice. Other than that it's not a big problem, just let the spinach thaw either in it's packaging or in a strainer. Then when it's completely done thawing, do your best to squeeze all the water out. If you need to you can always squeeze what you can with your hand then wrap it in a paper towel and squeeze it out more, since the towel will help to draw out more of the water.

Just on key thing to do, when you cook the souffle, you can't open the oven door. If you do that then it will cause it to fall, and that's not good. Just peek at it from the outside if you so desire.

One thing I would like to do in order to improve is get a new cook-book. I would like to get Julia Childes cook book the one with both volumes. She was great at French cuisine, and I'm anxious to try some of her recipes.

manger heureuse!

The question of why

2012-01-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

As I was walking through the mall the other day, I began to wonder why we do some of the things we do. Why do we do our best to steer clear of someone who is older and walks slower than we do? I just wonder if anyone has ever stopped to think how they feel? Why do we need to steer clear of someone who is different than we are, its not as if we wont be there ourselves someday, I guess you could say it is the principle of the matter. At some point in time they were our age, young, healthy, and vibrant only time has stolen what remains of their health and youth from them on a daily basis. It's not to say, we need to feel sorry for them, because they are old and slower, but have a greater respect for them because they are older and have survived more in their time than what the much younger generation has.

Sometimes I wonder how they feel...and what goes on in their head, like what are they thinking about. How do they feel about us, the younger generation? What was their life like growing up?

The biggest question of why is, why is it that people feel the need to hurt the ones that they are supposed to love, why not treat them with the respect that have given you throughout the years? Respect is lacking these days all around, sometimes I think we as people and even as Americans have forgotten where we came from and how we got to where we are.

I often have dreams, where the people in my dreams hurt me deliberately. I try my hardest to turn around and hurt them right back, but I am unable. Why is that? Is it because my nature is that of one who does not wish to hurt anyone deliberately, or one who prefers to stay out of the spot light, so to speak? I am a person of a million questions, that will probably remain unanswered. It's my belief that a majority of the questions are rhetorical. It does not sit well with me when those that are close to me, are deliberately hurt by someone they love and respect. Insults hurled at them, and the past not being let got of...most of it tends to be a family trait...but still, it's not ok for them to be hurt simply because their past has not been let go of, or because the are misunderstood. All of them can be an excuse, although hurting someone is not an excuse.

I have felt, for many years, the "black-sheep" of my fathers family. When I was little I wondered why my Dad never saw me, or why I didn't hear from a majority of his family until I was of an age to understand, and reach out to them. My aunt says I never was a "black-sheep," but just because someone said it was not so does not make it so to me. People and even families, whether the know it or not, do deliberately ostracize people from society and groups. It an inexcusable action. Why, seriously, why do they need to be "kicked out" of a society group or a family when they have done nothing to deserve it? Is it because they have a "new family" so therefore the old can not be kept with the new? Or is it something much deeper?

My family, has always been (on both sides) very concealing and even cold with their emotions. I will exclude my mother and my aunts (her sisters) from this group. Mom has done the best she could with the tools that she was given as a child, and I have never felt unloved by my mother, father, yes, but never mom. Mom has given and given to me, and although we may not understand what each other is asking of wanting, somehow we have always found a way to understand each other.

My heart feels for the people that feel the cold brush of love from a family, simply from lack of clarity or other reasons that are un-named. I can't be harsh towards those that were harsh and cold to my loved one, they are still my family regardless, and I do not know why they did and said what they did. Its worse when there is one person there, that is believed to be the backup, but instead their the ones that cause the pain too. It's something that I've discussed before, and have still left wondering why. Why does the matriarch of my family, treat the ones that are not blood and even those that are, with such callous disregard? It is unfair, and confusing at the same time.

I will continue to ask the question of why, it is just who I am, and the way my brain works. My twin says I am one of the most caring people (persons?) she knows, I do my best to care about everyone else, I do firmly believe in do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If we treat everyone, no matter who the hell they are, black, white, purple, or green with blue polka-dots with a little bit more respect then maybe their will be a few lesser questions of why, I doubt it but I would hope that maybe someday we can truly understand the question of why.

C'est la vie, bonne nuit...

Tomato soup bowl

2011-11-08T15:36:00.000-08:00

As I was cooking my dinner tonight...wait, let me re-phrase that, as I was heating up my soup I was reminded about something from when I was a kid. The reason I was heating dinner rather than cooking per-se is because groceries have been costing me more money, so now that its getting colder outside, I'm resorting to buying soup, since it's cheaper and just a bit faster than preparing an actual meal for just me.

When I was growing up, my Mom had gotten these set of bowls as a gift. For what I'm not sure, there were four of them and each was different. One was onion, another was potato, another was mushroom, and the last one was tomato. They were really cute, they had recipes on the front for each different one, and they each had a handle like a cup on them.

For some strange reason, I would not eat out of any bowl but the tomato soup bowl. I didn't like tomato soup, really didn't even like tomato's at that point (still don't). It never failed that each time Mom served something that required a bowl (other than cereal and ice cream) I could be found eating out of that bowl.

What reminds me about that bowl, and I'm sure Mom has a picture of me eating out of that bowl too, was I was fixing myself vegetable soup for dinner. That's one of the soups that I always eat that and chicken-noodle. It's just one of those things as a kid that you tend to cling to, almost like a security blanket, except mine was a tomato soup bowl.

Kinda funny when you think about it!

Wants vs. Needs and a little rant about computers

2011-11-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

For most of my life, I do believe my Mom has always talked about wants vs. needs and vice versa. I believe she tought me that it's not always about the wants but more about the needs.

I've been thinking a lot lately of a lot of wants. I keep thinking I want this and I want that, but how do I get that want? Then I have to stop, smack myself in the head and tell myself to shut the hell up, because I don't have anything to spare to splurge on a frivoulous want. Now I have to think about, what do I really need? Is is a necsessatiy? Is it something that can wiat? The one thing that tends to go back and forth on the needs and wants list is books, I love to read and I haven't read in a while. For the moment I'm waiting for the last of the Inheratince cycle to come out. For those of you that don't know, it's the last of the Erragon books.

There's so much that I want to do but can't at the moment, but human nature just makes me repetidly think about it. One such thing is an iPad and an iMac. I DO need a desktop, the desktop I have currently is OLD and OUTDATED, it's currently running Windows XP service pack 2. I even have my first laptop that has Windowns XP but it's service pack 1. The reason I believe I need a computer other than my laptop is the fact that my laptop recently went all wonky on me, and I can't update iTunes, or uninstall it, and the program that I was told to download and PAY FOR to fix the problem, couldn't fix it, and created an issue with my speakers. If I plug my headphones in, I can't here anything, the light on my laptop says the volume is on mute, but it's not I canm turn it onm and off but the ligfht never does.

My point to that rant is, I need to get my computer fixed, but I don't have anything other than another older than my current laptop, to use, but it doesn't have Microsoft Office on it. I made the mistake of trying to uprgrade that computer to Windows 7 when it came out from Windows Vista. BIG PROBLEM, BIG BLUNDER. My computer didn't really like it so it hasn't worked the same since. Ever since I got my newer laptop a year ago, I've been trying to figure out how to get rid of my older computers. I've been doing my best ot purge all information so that it's just bare bones of an operating system.

Wow, that was quite the Bunny trail I went down, sheesh let me get to the point. I need to fix my laptop but everything is on this one that I need for class, including the software for my Eaglevision classes. That's why I THINK I need a new computer. I want an iPad because they are so FREAKIN NEAT! Mom, has one and I was continuously commondering it when she was here two weeks ago.

SO to really break it down,, I'm putting myslef out there with my list of wants and needs, I'm hoping to find a way to acomplish this list all my own. I think it's important (at least to me) to be able to accomplish things on my own and by myeslf, makes me feel like I earned it more.

Wants

iPad
new douvet and sheets for my bed room with bedskirt
new house
Christian Loubuittin sparkely heels
L.K. Bennett nude heels
To take a cruise with some friends
Go to Europe with Mom
Get all my artwork in the house framed
Get more decoration for the house
Chirstmas tree
Comcast internet and TV

Needs

JOB
More winter clothes than what I have
Money

As you can tell I have more wants than needs. I hate the feeling of not having enough money, and being scared out of my mind everyday about what is going to come up next and bite me in the ass. I'm looking at differnt jobs everyday, I thinkmy biggest problem is I'm not finished with either of my degrees. One will be finished in March, the other should be May or June.

To me we are a wanting society. It's always about the want and less about the need, We need to help the holmess, but we don't want to take the time and do it. We need jobs in America but we want to go somewhere else that has cheap labor, so that anything that is wanted can be bought because the owner operator of the cheap labor is turning a high profit. Yet again, we need jobs, but the people of Congress and the politicians do not want to work together to figure this out. Word to the fat cat's on the Hill....Pull your well paid asses out of your rear ends, and help us find a solution!

Well that's my rant for the night, I'm going to wash my face and try and sleep, good night all!

Traveling bug...

2011-11-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

I know, WOW...TWO in one day! That's saying something for sure! It's just something I've been thinking about and I just wanted to share my thoughts again. It's been three years since I've been anywhere outside the continental US, and I'm longing to get out for a vacation. My biggest desire is to go back to Europe and visit Paris and London again, maybe even see Italy again.

When I was eighteen I went on a cruise with my Nanny and my three year old cousin. It was on one of the newer cruising companies, but one that is very much up my alley. I went on a Disney cruise. It was a lot of fun for me, I was still a bit scared at that point to go out on my own and try some new things but at this point I'm less gun shy and more gung-ho!

They have a new ship that is making it's maiden voyage in March called the Disney Fantasy, and I WANT TO GO! Maybe not necessarily on the maiden voyage, but on that ship YES! I was just looking at photos and videos of the ship today, and boy howdy is it neat. They have this really neat water slide that goes over the side of the ship that they uniquely call an AquaDuck. No, not an Aqueduct an AquaDuck, in honour of Donald Duck. Who happens to be my favorite duck.

They (the imagineers at Disney) build their ships around the attractions, which is very different from most cruising companies. The neatest thing is that not only do they have families and kids in mind but they also do a lot for the adults. They have adult only areas two adult only restaurants, as well as a health club and spa. Almost every night theirs a Broadway show that is performed and theirs always a movie playing in a stadium seat theatre, as well as a promenade deck to run around if you feel like it. The new ship is very different in size from the first two ships. The Disney Fantasy and the Disney Dream are much bigger and have more to offer.

This picture shows the differnce between the two newest ships and the older ships that are in the foreground. Somehow some way I have got to find myself cruising on the water again.

MAS*H

2011-11-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

Most people older than I, will know what my title means, some that are younger or my age may know too, but since this was a sitcom slash dramedy in the 1980's. It's probably a show you wouldn't think someone my age would like or own. But then again, I'm very different from a lot of people my age.

I could easily say its one of my favorite old shows. I have the first four seasons on DVD. You can watch them as re-runs on TV LAND and other networks, its just such a different show from what you see today. I love it and enjoy watching it over and over again.

MASH is set during the Korean war. The best part about the show is the humor. It's humor that doesn't have to be profane or inappropriate. The humor is poking fun at the situations with a lot of sarcasm pointed at a lot of historical figures and events that take place during the war. There have been some people who look at me like I'm crazy when they find out I actually have it on DVD.

My opinion is, don't knock it 'till you try it. It's just a show that has humor that you don't find in today's world of TV. There have been times when I'm rolling due to something that "Pierce" has done to "Frank Burns" or a combination of "Frank" and "Margaret." I've been watching it again the past couple of nights since I've been sick and yet again can't sleep. To me it's a show that doesn't get old. If you have the time and want to try something new sit down and watch an episode or two. Never know, you might just like it.

Thoughts all over the place

2011-11-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while since I have taken the time to write down my thoughts here for everyone to read. The semester previous to my current semester was a doozy. I had four classes that lasted for at least four hours or more each day but Friday. That was the most classes I had since I started at Gainesville College in 2002. Yes, it has been that long.

Currently I am unemployed. My plan A has not worked well since I can not go into the reserves with an open disability claim, and my claim still is not finished. At first being able to sit back and not have to worry so much about getting up or being late was nice, then the more I thought about, and the more that time passed the more I began to realize and fret more about not having more than just my BAH to help support me.

It's tough, very unpleasant, and I'm not even collecting unemployment. It's also getting to my favorite shopping season, and I have no money to shop either for myself or for my friends and family. My Mom was kind enough to let me buy some things on our credit card the other day, I really need winter clothes, I don't have that substantial of a wardrobe these days.

I went to the Georgia vs. Florida game on Saturday, and once again I was reminded of how much I want to go to the University. When we won and the players were running to the band and celebrating with the students, I just thought to myself that "I want to be a part of that." It's always been my desire to go to UGA ever since I was six and I went to my first football game. I'm almost done at Embry-Riddle, and I don't know what is next after I finish this summer.

Mom will possibly be shocked by my admission of the fact that, the thought of returning home has been running through my brain the last couple of days. Maybe it would be easier to return to Georgia after all, not that I don't love living in Jax, it's just if I want to go to UGA then somethings going to have to give. I don't know if it's a smart thing to do after all my hometown is not the brightest crayon in the box. But, I would be closer to family and my sister. Apparently our father has been driving her up the wall lately. Gee, why does that not surprise me?

Another thing is one again I'm just feeling a bit frustrated and sorry for myself. Not only because I've yet to successfully procure a job, but I still have no significant other. It's still just me and the dog, and everyone is always saying "oh you'll find someone" or "just be patient," frankly I'm just tired. I still believe that it's just going to be me and the dog for here on out. Sometimes when you're the kind of person that wants to share so much but has no one to share with, it just sucks. It would be nice to have someone to share my burden with right now, going it alone has taken a lot out of me.

I have so many thoughts and also fears, but that's just the way things go. I guess you could say or ask when is my luck going to change for the better?

Feelings of failure

2011-08-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I hate failing. Especially when I try.

It gets to me when I fail, I don't like being a failure or the feeling or failing a test. I know I lack self confidence and maybe something else too. But I try hard and when I've taken my time looked up the answers and thought that I understood what the question asked and still I get it wrong. That's the lowest feeling on earth for me, besides rejection. I always failed when I was in school and I would always get grounded until I pulled my grades up. That and I would have to listen to Moms disappointment and embarrassment that she has a child that was failing English, the subject she taught.

Meteorology is not my cup of tea. I'm trying hard to understand the curriculum and what is being taught, and I really thought that I had gotten this section of the book about clouds and frost, but I didn't. I hate myself right now. I know it's not the end of the world, but to me it is. I try hard to get good grades, and I do the exact opposite of what I did when I was a kid. I actually turn off the TV so I wont have that as a distraction. the only noise that's going is the dryer, and the a/c blowing.

I'm not sure what I can do besides study more. I'm really trying to get focused in my classes right now. I'm very overwhelmed at the moment, and it just doesn't seem like the sun is going to come out any minute. I'm also trying to find a job and do my best to not spend as much money as I did before I got out. On one hand I save more because I'm not driving back and forth to Mayport all week, and therefore having to buy gas at least once a week. That's a savings of at least 50 dollars a week, but groceries...I do my best to spend 50 my budget was 75 but my goal is to always spend less to save more. The down side is 50 dollars doesn't buy much these days. My question is when is going to change for me? When are my efforts in school really going to pay off, and when am I going to feel like I don't fail every weekly test that is given in meteorology. I'm a deans list student now, and failure is just not an option for me. That's probably the one good thing the military teaches you is the fact that failure is not an option, you have to do your best every time to succeed, that's the only way that you can succeed is by trying your damnedest, and that's what I'm doing. It just....sucks...no matter what, it just sucks.

I hate the feeling of failure

Fear again

2011-08-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

I know I have talked about fear before, and the fact that it is the one thing that wants to shove your head under water and keep in there, while you do all you can to push up and grasp a tiny breath. In my life, i have a lot of fear. Why? I'm not entirely sure, in my honest opinion, i have beliefs but that may or may not be why.

What brings this topic up again is Zelda. Zelda has just recently been divorced from her husband of two years. Of those two years that they were married, I would say only about nine months to a year were actually spend co-habitating. They had been living together before they were married when they were both stationed in Virginia, but when the got married she was stationed here in Jax, and he was still up in VA. It is sad to say the it was doomed from the beginning.

Zelda has (in my opinion) had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that her marriage had ended or was ending. The whole time they were separated she kept wearing her ring, and she was already seeing someone else. Most people would have said that they were already divorced or separated and may or may not have worn there ring, such as she did. She has always felt throughout everything that she was still married. But that is her attitude towards her situation.

Although she has moved on and found a wonderful man who adores her and has waited for her, and would go to the ends of the earth for her, she is a little afraid. I don't blame her, I mean I would be too. As much as they both want a life together, they have spent the past six months apart. Zelda is back in Texas, and Ducky (sa copine) is in Virginia. She has gotten into a routine down there and she's afraid that everything that she felt for him might not still be there.

We had a nice long talk about that. It is a little scary when you are away from your significant other for such a long period of time, and after a while you have a routine without them, so when you think about including them in your routine again, it's a bit scary. You don't know what will happen when they are included into the routine again, but unless you let go of the tree and walk out on that limb, you'll never know what could have been. Don't let fear win! The moment it has won, it will do all it can to keep you from ever coming back up again.

I told Zelda that she should trust her feelings and not the fear. She would like to get married and have kids as much as Ducky does, but she's afraid. Mainly because of the ex-hubby. I told her to not only trust what he has said to her, look at his actions. Ducky does his best to include her into the major decisions of his life. He's currently looking for orders, and asked her where he thinks "they" should go. He want to go over seas, but she said she can't follow him overseas because they are not married yet, and she keeps putting it off.

Zelda has admitted that she's afraid, but then again I told her to think of his (Ducky's) parents, they talk to you and adore you and already consider you family. Did the ex-hubby family do that? Mmm, his brother and maybe a few others, but not his Mom. That woman, did not like Zelda at all. And when she asked his mom for help during their difficult time, she ignored her and blew her off, believing that her son would never put his hands on a woman.

Zelda thanked me for being "enlightening" I hoe she was sincere, I believer her to be but I'm unsure of most everything. Sometimes, it takes an outsider to talk to you and with you, so you can get a better perspective on how things could be. Sometimes that person winds up being one of your best friends that does what they can for you, and even if you yell at them, they are still there to back you up.

I'm not sure what Zelda will do. It breaks my heart to think she doubts what she feels. I told her that they are the perfect match for each other because they do their best to communicate and include each other in their daily lives. We both agreed that never happened with the ex. It was always what he wanted to do, and not what they wanted to do. Relationships have to be a give and take. One person can't give all and the other person can't take all. Some relationships do that, but then where do they end up?

I'm hoping that by talking to her and being their to listen as well as dish out my opinion as we have always done, that I have helped her in some way. The man she is in love with is a great big 'ol teddy bear, he was raised by some great parents, and raised by a military father, which in my opinion again, has helped shape him into the kind and generous man that he is. I consider Ducky my brother. He became part of my extended family when Zelda brought him to movie night one night, because he was the new guy in the shop. I consider him as on of the girls, and a great friend to have. I look forward to the day that he and Zelda finally get married. Once that happens, and the ducklings start to come, they will truly be the most deliriously happy people I know.

Chemistry

2011-08-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

When I say Chemistry I'm not talking about the science of chemistry I'm talking about the chemistry that may or may not exist between two people.

I was talking with one of my friends today and they were talking about the chemistry that they had just discovered between them and someone she new, but barley. Has anyone else ever found that they have an amazing chemistry with someone, and that the moment that person walks in the room, anyone and everyone that is in the room can just fell the tension between the two of you?

When she began talking about her newly found chemistry, I thought about Mighty Mouse and the chemistry that we had together. It was something that I had never had up until that point. Also, I had never thought that in a million years I would meet someone so incredible and funny on a boat floating around in the middle of the Gulf. Chemistry between two people is something that is unexpected but a major WOW factor. It can have a good and also a bod effect on you. The effect will on you will not be known until it's happened.

It's gotten to the point where I do my best NOT to think about him. I'm doing my best to move past that point in my life, and just keep on chugging forth. I met him during my first Mediterranean slash Gulf deployment. I had been working in the HAZMAT supply office and it was my job one day to "tag" the line to make sure no one else came and got in line, so we could all go eat lunch.

It just so happens that it was the very day he was the last one in line. We wound up hitting it off right away, talking and laughing, just having a great time. That's when the sparks of chemistry started to fly. I guess you could say that we were one of those people that instantly find chemistry together. We were lucky to have found each other.

The chemistry that we had together was amazing, and I loved every minute of it. If I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. It was an amazing ride.

What happened to the chemistry and what happened between us? Well, that is another story for another day, you'll just have to check back to see what else their is.

In a haze and funk

2011-08-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough few weeks, and days. Sometimes, it seems as if the dreariness that I fell will never end and go away. Things have not been going that great for me since my stint on active duty has ended. My mood has been really somber, and very much teetering on the edge of endless tears. The frustration and the emptiness of my current predicament weighs heavy on my mind as well as shoulders.

It is not easy for someone like me that comes off active duty to come to terms with the fact that, after years of a constant motion of duty, I have to start all over again, and that means starting off at the bottom. When I entered the military eight years ago I had worked my way up from earning minimum wake of 5.50 an hour to 7.75.

Now a days the minimum wage IS what I was making then. It is hard trying to come to terms with it, as well as the pressure that comes with the searching of jobs. When you are on your way out of the military they really do not prepare you enough (in my opinion) for the obstacles that you will face, once you are on the outside. Although, I'm not sure what they could do differently to better prepare us for the outside.

It is never a fun time when the darkness begins to envelop me and threaten to take me down. A lot of times, it will take me a few days to slowly come out of it a begin to feel better. Mostly it's thanks in part to my friends and my dog that help bring me out of the haze. Mostly I make my self suffer because it is just me here. I'm not as lucky as some people that have someone to go home to.

Now that I don't have a constant day-to-day interaction with co-workers, I have a lacking of social comfort. School does not count because I only talk to them once a week. My friends have busy lives, especially Minnie. Sometimes I don't know how that girl does what she does...but somehow, she does it with grace and a warm smile. It does get very lonely not having someone to go on new adventures with. Evil twin and Zelda are in Corpus Christi, Ducky is in Virginia along with Chiana, Alex is a new mom, and doesn't share the same spirit as I do. They all have separate lives and I miss them all. These individual people became my family over the years.

Thanks to them all, I don't know where I would be without them!

It's hard to push away the darkness, especially when you are someone like me that internalizes everything. As much as I do need help, I want to be able to make it on my own. When I was growing up, I never wanted to ask for help for fear of being though of stupid. It takes a lot still for me to ask for help, mainly because as previously stated, I want to do it on my own. The thing that I have to realize is, I do need help, and there are people or a person to help...Mom. She may not be fully aware of how I feel but she does try to help me.

To those who have someone to go home to every night, that has someone to hug them at the end of the day, and tell them that everything is going to be ok. Please, be thankful, no matter what that you do have that someone there to support you. Me, I just have Daisy to go home to, and sleep with, and sometimes that just isn't enough. Everyone tells me that I'll eventually find someone, but I don't feel it.

Finding a way out of the haze is an every day battle, no matter who you are. I do my best to be an up-beat and happy person, but when the world feels like it's going to crash down around me, that's the moment that I feel despair and sink to the inside. I am my own worse enemy, I am harder on myself than other people are, and I berate myself for than anyone could imagine. To me if I do something wrong, or mess up on something it's ten times worse. No one could possibly do worse than myself.

It is never a fun spot to be in, the haze. If anyone out there goes through it if they ever need someone to talk to my inbox is always open. The dark and haze is not the place to be, I have to make myself get out more even though I'm almost afraid to.The moral of my story tonight is, it is never easy starting over. Thar's all for tonight, my darling Dizzy (Daisy) is ready to go up-stairs and go to bed, and my hip is bothering my again, so the pain is making me bid you adieu until tomorrow.

eBay

2011-07-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

It amazes me sometime, what you can find on eBay. Lately when I can't sleep I find myself perusing the items of eBay.

I remembered a stuffed animal or a stuffed something I had as a kid, it was called a popable. It was some sort of strange looking thing, but it was cute. You could turn it into a football, a soccer ball, or a baseball. I had the one that turned into a football. I could never do it as a kid, so I always got Mom to do it for me.

I've also been able to find TON'S of different types of Barbies. I collected them for a long time, regular ones that you could take out of the box, and then the really nice ones that you were not supposed to take out of the box. I was stupid enough to take three of my "Gone With the Wind" dolls out of their box. I just wanted to touch their "real rooted" eyelashes. Scarlett's hair was gorgeous and I just wanted to feel how soft it was.

On one of my last shopping ventures I actually found the same cross-stitch book that Mom has., Although, this one is complete, it has all the patterns in there.

eBay has really exploded it seems to me. There is so much there, you can find anything from Antiques, to tutu's. Now people are even selling pointe shoes! If I needed to buy them all I would have to do is go to eBay, wouldn't need to go to a dance store of website, although I think discount dance sells them for less.

I'm tempted to sell my dolls on eBay, it's just difficult to part with them because some of them, well most of them are special to me. There's a wonderful supply of anything you could possibly think of in the world of eBay.

An idea

2011-07-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

I have this idea...I want to set up a web page for people like me. I'm not sure what the entire concept would be, but I want to help people.

The other day I was thinking about when I first came in, I had no idea what to expect. When I went to the ship the first time, I was very unprepared. Now that I'm out, I would also like to be able to help that have been forced out too. I'd like to help by giving them easy access to information that is hard to get, and maybe answer some questions that people didn't think to ask.

Another part of it would be, maybe sending care packages to people that are deployed, that have no family or friends to send them things, so they ask our service to help hem out, send them goodies that they can't get where they are. I always loved it when I got homemade goodies, and I just want to be able to give someone else that joy of having so eying sent to them.

The beginning

2011-07-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

There's no real way to start from the beginning, when you don't know what the beginning is.

All my life I have been surrounded by books. My Mom had a huge book shelf that her Dad, whom the grand-kids called Papa Chet, had built. It was a massive thing, but it held so many books, inludng some of my own. My Nanny (Moms, Mom) had a lot of books too, I rember all the different kinds of books and pictures. On top she had glasses that she collected on her many cruises.

I remember when I was little when we would go to the Piggly Wiggly, they alwas had these certain Disney books, Mom would usually try and get me one that I didn't already have. When we would get home I think I couldn't wait for bed time so she would read me my new book. There's one I still remember, it's vague but it was about Cinderlla and her ugly step sister, the book was pink, with Cinderella, Anastasia, and Drucilla on the cover looking in a mirror.

When I was six I started getting two or three books a week from something called Weekly reader. Funny thing is, I toted my weekly reader bag full of books to my first UGA football game.

I guess you could say, I was destined to love books. I have two bok cases right now, and one is completely filled, and the other is getting there. Whenever I was on the boat I would go through at least two or three a month. When your on the boat, there's not that much to do at night, so I would just lie in my rack and read. Mom would usually and me two or three for me if I couldn't get access to the Internet to buy own. Sometimes after I was finished with my books I would send them back to home to Mom.

I also had accumulated a lot of books when I lived I'm the barracks. When I first got to Jacksonville I had no clue what to expect, so for the first few months I lived there I had no tv unless I went to the common room. The number one priority when I first got to jax was to find a mall so I could find a book store and an American Eagle. That's also how I discovered my love of target, I had nothing else to do and didn't really know anyone, so I would just peruse the shelves of target.

At a loss

2011-07-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

For the past few day's I've been at a loss...a loss of words, ideas, and as usual sleep. The only good thing about the past couple of days is, I got to spend some time with my good friend Zelda.

Sadly, the only reason she was in town was so that she could appear at her divorce hearing, and get her name changed without all the hassle. She also hadn't seen her soon to be ex since she left back in March. From what she told me, it was a little tense and she was a little nervous too.

I think I'm beginning to go a little stir crazy being at home so much, then again it is the end of the semester and I just want it to be over. If everything goes well I should be graduating in May. That just blows my mind, and makes me anxious at the same time. Once again, I have to do what I don't want to do...hurry up and wait. In the Navy that's what you do for every thing. Flight schedule, any meal on the boat, liberty lines to get OFF the boat, nothing but hurry and wait.

For the next 6 months or so I'm going to have a full load of classes, the one I'm not looking forward to is the cap-stone. Apparently that course is nothing but a big, long, drug out paper. I don't mind writing as long as I have a lot of info and can be opinionated about it. There is so much more that I want to do, but my University does not offer much more off the subject of aviation. I would love to study more on history, re-learn French, and dance. I miss dancing, all though I do it in all the time in my house, when no one is looking!

While Zelda was here we also went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt.2 in 3D. It was an amazing movie, and very emotional. If you've read the books then you know what I'm talking about. It's strange to say that I saw the first movie at IMAX, and that's what got me started on the books. I never thought that I would get sucked into that world before I saw the movie and read the book, but I did! I love going to Harry Potter over at Islands of Adventure in Orlando. It's so neat what they did bringing the movie alive like that. So amazing!

I guess that is all for now, Dizzy is giving me that look that says lets go to bed...I just hope tonight she decides NOT to sleep at my feet under the covers after I'm completely knocked out, and after I've told her numerous times not to.

Running rampant

2011-07-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

It amazes me sometimes how much the mind will wonder. Especially if you're trying to sleep and your mind will not turn off. I have this affliction...I think, and worry, and review things in my head over and over and over. It gets most annoying when I'm trying to sleep. I've been given a sleep aide but I don't like the way it makes me feel. When it does work, I feel like I might pass out any minute and not make it to bed. I'm a closet control freak, I prefer to be in control. That way I can blame myself like I normally do when something doesn't go right.

Mom says I beat myself up way to much, and I need to learn to let some things go. Easier said than done. I don't know why I'm hard on myself, I just am, guess I developed it growing up, who knows!

It is always hardest at night to turn off my brain. Most of the time it causes me to toss and turn, losing sleep at each passing minute. Usually at that point when I know it wont shut off for a while, I'll either get up and read some if I have a book, or I'll watch TV for a little while longer until I can fall asleep.

Throwback, old school style!

2011-07-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm this really big kid. I can hear my mother laughing at that staement. I am and I am not afraid to show it! Does anyone remeber the old school cartoons? Like Looney Toons, or the old Mickey Mouse cartoons?

I've only seen a small amount of Mickey Mouse and company cartoons, I've seen more Looney Toons than any thing else. I haven't seen any good cartoons as of late. The ones that they have on today do not make that much since. For some reason they are lacking in the severly funny department. I could laugh and laugh at a good Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Now a days thanks to networks like, Boomerang, Toon Disney, and Nick Toon a lot of the cartoons that we used to see all the time are out there on those networks. Only problem is, you would have to have a satlight to see them, or comcast. Then if you do not have the package deal then you still can't see them.

I was telling this to a friend of mine the other day over dinner, ans she told me that I should check out youtube. Her and her boy-friend are always on there watching old carttons. Boy howdy was she right! I've spent the past couple of nights watching old cartoons on the phone.

It's nice to be able to see them again. Cartton network has tried revamping Bugs and Daffy, but they are just not the same as the old versions are. The drawing is just a bit off, and they are trying to make it more modern, I guess. That was the great thing about old cartoons...THEY WERE OLD! The kind of humor that is in old cartoons is absolutley brilliant! That kind of humor just doesn't exist anymore, if you ask me.

If you really like a Bugs Bunny I'm going to put a video of one his cartoons in here so you can watch if you want to! Maybe you'll get hooked on Bugs again. Enjoy!

Outlet shopping

2011-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when you were a kid and all the places your parents dragged you to, that you despised going to? I do!

What brings this up is the fact that over the weekend I went to the St. Augustine, Premium outlets. That was the first time I had been to an outlet center since I was a kid. It seems to me that outlets are the "bees knees" these days, compared to when I was a kid.

It was usually around school time, my Mom would take me and probably my cousin to the outlets in Commerce, GA. I never liked going. To me the trip was more for my Mom, than it was for us kids. The only place that was there, that we liked was the KB toys store. I don't remember what all was there when we went besides that place, but I think there was a place where you could make your own t-shirts. You chose the color and the screen print, and they would make it for you.

I've been meaning to go to the outlet center for a while. There are a lot more stores there that I like and want to check out. A great example would be the Coach Factory outlet store. I've been wanting a really nice designer handbag. Why? I don't have a great answer other than the fact that I like them, and I'm very picky about colors and what kind of bag I like. I felt kind of awkward walking in there since I know the bags are usually a little expensive. When I walked in they were very nice and immediately handed me a 30% off coupon! Now if that doesn't say "please shop here" I don't know what does. They were very nice and helped me out when I was looking for a wristlet, which doubles as a wallet. I found out that the factory outlet only has the discounted styles...BUT I did find myself a nice bag. It's smaller than I've had in a while but it looks better when you want to dress up. Vera Bradley is nice, but it's a little to casual for some things.

My bag is really cute, it's brown with the Coach "C's" embroidered all over it. I like neutral tone bags...they tend to go with just about everything. It was originally about $173.00, but it was already on discount for $109.00 with my "today only" discount of 30% I was able to get it for only $80.00. Now THAT is what I call a bargain.

Since I couldn't find the wristlet that I wanted I went ahead and went to the Coach store over at the St. Johns Town Center, and picked up the one I wanted. Then, today I had to go to the NEX and I went over to the Coach bag section, and found my wristlet for $10.00 cheaper than what I paid at the Coach store...SMH...next time I feel froggy, I need to go to the exchange FIRST then look at the factory outlet or even the regular store.

Another part of my outlet adventure was the Nike store. I needed some new shoes and work out clothes. They really didn't have that much to offer even if it was the outlet store. They had more at Dick's sporting goods that I liked, plus they had the shoes, but I decided I wanted to look for a bargain rather than full price. I was able to get one of the tank top style workout tops that I liked, for about $20.00 and it was originally priced at $45.00 I also got me some capri work out pants for $20.00 less than what they were at Dick's. Although the Nike outlet didn't have my shoes, I went back to Dick's and got the ones there. They were still on sale for $15.00 less than they were originally, even it was $75.00, there cute too...there PINK or magenta really and white. Somehow I've gotten into wearing pink again...I have no idea why, must be because I feel like a girl again.

When you work in a dominantly male environment and you can't do this and you can't do that, you take every opportunity when you are not working to look as smell like a girl.

Have I passed the discount (sorda) shopping bug to anyone? It's a little contagious!

Chiana

2011-07-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

I met Chiana in 2005, she was sitting in the lobby of the barracks where we lived, waiting for a ride to the hanger. Her hair was like most coming from boot-camp; horribly chopped off. She was wearing her "Smurf suit" that is what we call our sweat suits because their blue, and you look like a smurf wearing them, and no one looks their smurfiest.

It took as awhile to become friends, mainly because we didn't surf in the same circles. Sometimes we did, and other times she hung out with the girls that she came to the command with. I'm not sure of the exact time that we actually started hanging out more. I guess maybe I started talking to her in the hanger during one of my many trips back and forth from the flight line. Back then that was a trek, our shop was located outside the hanger right next to the "active flight line" line. The bathrooms were at the entrance of the hanger, so it was a journey.

We have had some incredible journeys together. From boyfriends and babies, to different commands in different states.

I remember when she got pregnant, she was living with me at the time, and hadn't really been at the house long. When she finally told me, I didn't really know what to say...it was not something that was planned...sometimes I still blame myself for not making her go home with me the night she got pregnant, but I was tired, she was drunk, and all I wanted to do was go home and not fight with her about going home. After I told her I supported her no matter what, she finally broke down and told me the reason she hadn't really unpacked her things was because she thought that I would kick her out and make her go back to the barracks. It seems silly now, but back then she didn't really know what I would do. One night I had made cookies, which she loved, and there were some left over for the next day. I get up in the morning and there are NO MORE COOKIES! She had a craving in the middle of the night for them so she ate them. That's why I call her Cookie Monster...she really liked chocolate-chip cookies.

We have done such crazy things like getting one of those old time photo's made in St. Augustine, on one of our many treks down there. The last time she was here we went the the Pirates museum in St. Augie. It was really neat and there was so much to read and see, it was very technological in there.

For the past couple of years she has been in Virginia. I remember when she started picking orders she wanted to stay here in Jax, but she also felt the need to go to VA and be there for her sister, who was raising a baby by herself for the most part. It's not been fun her being up there and me still being here. There are times when I want to hang out with someone, and I want her to be here talking to me and laughing with me but she can't she's in VA.

She is absolutely my bestie, with out her being here for me in those dark times, I don't know what I would've done. She has been there to boost me up when I am down, and keep my secrets. She makes me laugh and some of things she says to me just stay. I really miss having her around, before she left I was teaching her how to cook. She didn't really know then, but I hope the knows more now. It was always fun having her as a sous chef in my kitchen, she made baking and cooking that much more fun.

It is only a few more weeks until I get to see my bestie, and hopefully her boy-friend Jason. I just can't wait for the times that we get to spend more that a few hours together. Mayhem will soon ensue.

Images

2011-07-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

You take a picture, you look at the screen, and what do you see?

I know I don't see myself. I don't see myself in some pictures the way I see myself. It gets a little aggravating, and sometimes when their done professionally, I'm REALLY picky about how they look. If I'm not comfortable it shows in my pictures. Sometimes the one that's posing knows if the pose they are doing makes them feel like a dumb ass or not.

Everyone has image issues, some or more pronounced that others, but we all deal with some sort of image issue or another. In today's society it is a sad and common occurrence. Take for example, my evil twin, she thinks she is so hideous, fat, and pail so she constantly feels the need to tan. She is obsessed with tanning, well she's OCD as it is but that's a different story. Oh, and evil twin, she's a 5'3 roughly 130-135 lbs...that's average for her height.

There are times when I really want a candid shot of me to display but then I look at it and I cringe. It will take me several shots just to find the one that I like. Sometimes I wish society would just pull their heads out their butts and realize that not everyone is the same. We are all designed differently, it's in our DNA.

Maybe one day the first picture I take of me will be the one I think shows me the way I see myself.

For Mom

2011-07-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

This is for my Mom...

My Mom is a very special lady, who has by some miracle raised me. It's not to say that we haven't had out moments where we were both mad at each other, but that comes with life, and parents. For years my Mom left herself in a position of being in an unhappy marriage, one that I believe she entered into and stayed just to give me a father figure, since mine had no clue what being one meant and still doesn't really get it either, we would later find out that dude #2 was a MAJOR A HOLE.

I don't blame her, never have. I just wish she had the strength to leave sooner than we did, but she will say the exact same thing. It is my opinion, that with age comes not only wisdome but strength. Sometimes it can take a cataclysmic event to help one change their mind. My Mom has been both Mom and Dad for me, doing the best she could. She would even help me with homework albeit when I didn't ask, and didn't want help because I'd rather struggle than ask...I don't know why, still that way today though...through lot's of arguments and frustrating sobs, she helped me no matter what.

Mom still helps me out when I need it, for some strange reason I tend to call her if not every day then at least more than once, sometimes if I was bored at work I would send her multiple emails just to spell out one word, just to make her laugh and possibly improve her day. I don't know where I would be without her support. When I joined the Navy she was there, even when I blindsided her with my decsion. She has been with me every step of the way on most major decisons I've made, even when I decided to buy my house.

Theres a lot to be learned from out parents, some will teach us strength, and some may not teach us anyhting. Mom's main goal was NOT to be like her Mom. Mostly we don't know what we have learned from out parents until it's either to late, or were smart enough to stop, think, and remeber what all has been done for us. I believe my Mom learned from her Mom, what not to do. I've heard stories from my Nanny and her sister that growing up for them was not plesant, in fact one of my Aunts told me that she never remebered her Mom telling her she loved her, and she was never hugged. My Nanny remebers being six years old and her Mom sobbing into her hair as she brushed it "what did I do to deserve this?"

My mother had a very different upbringing than me too. She grew up the youngest of five kids, that's probably why she is as smart as she is, she was always there when her siblings were doing their homework. She lost one of her brothers when she was only a teenager, sometimes I think that along with Nanny's upbringing is why she is as bitter as she is these days. Then again it could be that she was in two bad marrages...why does that seem to be the family trait? Find a husband, have kids, oh wait husband's a douche, find a new Mister, then this one is a MAJOR A-HOLE, get rid of that one, THEN they find the right one. Makes me wonder sometimes.

Mom gave me all she could when I was growing up, sometimes I think I had WAY to much STUFF! I loved Barbie and stuffed animals, so naturally I had a gazillion of each. I remember before Christmas one year going into the closet in the guest bedroom looking for something, and my Barbie dream boat was in there. Mom quicley shooed me out of the room, even though I had seen the boat, it did not even register on my brain until well after Christmas was over and done.

When I was six Mom took me to my very first UGA football game. I remeber being so excited, and I wanted to see the band, so Mom and I walked over to the bridge where the bad marches in underneath for the pre-game show. Mom and I also laugh about that game because if we hadn't gone that way we would have had to walk all the way up the steps from the hedeges, verses down just a few. Lucky us!

No matter how frustated with Mom I've gotten she's always been there for me. I've done some not so nice things and hurt her feelings before, but there were times when I thought I was doing the right thing and keeping here away. We learn from our mistakes and move on. That's all you can do in life is learn from the past, just not to live in the past.

Mom was there for the dance recitles, t-ball games, and the ever embarrasing parent teacher confrences...she was never easy to deal with those days. I still do a bit of tip-toeing around my Mom, beacuse I don't want to say something to make her mad at me, and therfore never hear the end of, yes we still have those moments, there not great but it's just a part of the relationship. I wouldn't trade my Mom for anything, sometimes I really think she does to much for me, and sometimes I think she should leave me high and dry but she always says that's her job, she's a Mom.

Needless to say Mom, but thank you for everything, even if I don't say it and sometimes I take things for granted I appreciate what you do, sometimes I just wish I understood as much as you do, but that's what makes me, Me!

Food...all kinds

2011-07-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

I bet you could guess that I like food, bit then again maybe you couldn't. Well I do, ever since I was able to be out on my own I have this liking of all different kinds of food, mainly baking but i do enjoy discovering new foods.

The further I trace my roots back, the more I discover that my Ancestors came from France. They came from the Champagne region and also what the French call, la campagne ( countryside) of Brittany. How ironic I know but that's not what I'm talking about, I really enjoy French cuisine. There is something about their food that is addictive and delectable. I love bread and the French are all about bread and wine it seems, but they have so many different types of bread and usually it's fresh from the boulangerie (bakery) there are baguette, croissants and this really hard and round type I can't remember at this time.

Usually you can get all kinds of baked goods at a boulangerie from pâtisserie (pastries) such as my favorite, tarts. Sad thing is I can't find anything that would remotely resemble a bakery around where I live, there are a few but none of them make fresh bread. They mostly do cakes, cookies and some will even do tartlets which are smaller versions of a tart meant for one person. I like Strawberry, and fruit tartlets, those are really good.

I like baking more than cooking. Some would ask "isn't it one in the same?" My answer would be it's the same mess wise and production wise, but in the end baking to me envolves a lot more attention to detail. It's fun to try a new recipe and try to see how it comes out, and most of you know, as well as my mom, 99% of the time it doesn't come out like the picture. Baking is an adventure as much as cooking is and I'm always trying to "up the anty" by finding new things to cook and bake.

When I was growing up my mom didn't experiment much in the kitchen, probably due to some a-holes taste buds and I'm not talking about yet current Hubby. Although he is rather set in his ways, mom grew mire as a cook with him then she ever had. Her speciality is crockpot candy, sweet and salty all in one...oh how addictive they can be! I was having a conversation with my friend quagmire one night, just talking about cooking, and food. We both love to cook it and he loves to eat it! The thing is, I have not tried or ate sOme of the things he has. Quagmire has eatin all kinds of shell fish, like oysters, mussls, clams, and crab. All I've had is shrimp, lobster tail, and oyster stew (although I think I called it horsey stew, and naturally like any kid, I ate it with catsup). My family was never a big seafood conoiseour, we grew up on grits, mashed potatoes, a steak on the grill, porkchops, and collard greens. Sometimes I swear I can still smell my Nanny cooking them, man how those things stunk up the house...I NEVER ate them, probably because they smelled bad.

Italian food is another favorite of mine, oh, how I love pasta! Although I'm beginning to think that meat in the pasta sauce maybe a Southern, or an American invention. I made pasta ( which I keep forgetting I'm NOT supposed to have/ eat a lot of) the other night, it was...ok although fire roasted tomato sauc with Cabernet Sauvignon is NOT a good combo with meat, I think it's because Cabernet Sauvignon is a red wine, and it goes better with fish. I stay far away from fish, memories of catfish from the pond when I was little, although seeing a whole fried shrimp has not turned me off shrimp. That was a Greek experience...ordered fried shrimp for lunch at this place in Greece, and we got grief shrimp all right, eyes, attenna, everything!

Now, I can't make any Italian dessert, I can however eat some terramisu. Which is the classic italian desert of lady fingers soaked in expresso, with a vanilla custard and coco power lightly sprinkled. I'm having thst in just a few days, I can not wait!

Until next time, this is my end tonight! Happy?

"I am what I am and that's all that I am"

2011-07-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

As I get older, I get the chance to look back and learn something else about myself and who I am as a person.

I gues you could say my favorite quote would be Popey's "I am what I am and that's all that I am." To me it says a lot and it speakes volumes, as some people would say.

I am the type of person that does not like to be put in akward situations. They make me feel very uncofortable, and that there are a million people staring at me, waiting for me to do something. When I was a junior in high school our prom was on a boat at Stone Mountain. I did not dance one dance, I did not pose for a lot of pictures (I did not have a lot of friends at that school or at that point) with people, I stayed up on the top deck of the boat for the entire night, just watching the laser show that was being put on up on the carving.

Sometimes, I think trhat the reason being was that a stupid boy I had once gone out with was there with a girl who was at one point in time, my marching buddy...

I would say hello and talk to the people that came up to the top deck, but other than that I hid from an akward situation. I didn't even dance one dance that night. My date was kind of a douche, and a dork...and not the good kind of dork that I like...he was just CREEPY.

It is easy for some people to be comfortable in their own skin...For me though? It's not...I am a very self consious person, but I have a really great personality as well as a big heart. I enjoy doing good things for people. Generally speaking, most are my friends and maybe someday they will repay the favor.

Another part of being me is embarassment, I don't like it. It goes back around to being in the spot light. Being in the spot light is NOT my idea of a good time. I don't like being the center of attention, and I don't like making mistakes either. I feel that if I make a mistake and there are witnisess to said mistake, then there will always be someone there, holding it over my head and the feeling that there are twenty thousands fingers pointing and laughing at you saying "you failed."

I get frustrated easily when I don't understand something. Most of the time it's math that is making me frustrated. I want to understand and understand clearly, I am still a little afraid of asking for help. Mom is the one that get's the phone call when I don't underswtand, and then if she doesn't understand...I'm screwed...well, not really...then I have to do my best to search through my book again, and scour the internet to find a problem similar to mine, so that I can understand.

Figuring things out on my own is a strong point. I like figuing out ways to make something work. That's how I learned to make my bags, I just looked at my other bags to get an idea of how to make it work.

I tend to explain myself to most everyone, I think Chiana and Evil twin are the only ones I don't have to, but I still feel the need on some occasions, and then I have these ladies tweeting in my ear, that they know how I work. Mighty Mouse was another I never had to explain myself to...untill the end that is, but that's another story for another day.

There is so much I want to do in this world I don't know if I will ever be able to do it all. One of my more crazier thoughts is living abroad. Either London, or Paris. Why? Because I enjoy forieghn culture.

Well I think that's enough for now, maybe more later.

Art

2011-05-16T17:19:00.000-07:00

Art is something I love. I don't know what it is but I love it!

I'm not really into the whole paint on canvas, or modern art. Vintage art and old posters is what I really like. Photography is another part of art that I like. Harvey Edwards is one of the photographers that I'm partial to.

Harvey Edwards does ballet photography. I even have a copy of one of his works in my room. It's a very colorful piece. It's a bunch of costumes backstage at Ballet Boston Massachusetts.
It took me forever to find it, I searched all over art.com for it. I was trying to find something warm and colorful as an expression of me. I also have another one by him. It's called "Red Shoes." I have always loved ballet and point shoes, and this piece of art is one solitary pair of red point shoes in a sea of European pink satin pointe shoes.

The two pieces of vintage art I have are Parisian. There's a soft spot in my heart for Paris, and Parisian art. It's so different from everything, which is why I love it.

I'm an art nut! One of my favorite paintings that I wont bore you with a picture of is called "The consecration of the Emperor Napoleon" it's actually housed in the Louvre. The painting is HUGE it's as tall as the wall, and very wide, but very nice. The first time I saw it I was in French class (surprise, surprise) it was on a calender that my teacher had, and it seemed to me that I had seen it before. I instantly liked it, and I even have the calender page that has the paining on it still.

Take a look at the painting. Google it, and look how it's painted. See how the Pope is being ignored by Napoleon, and how tall Napoleon is.

Ever wondered where the "Napoleon complex" comes from?

Going out on a limb...

2011-05-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

There come ls a point in life, as well as love and relationships that you have to go out on a limb.

And by going out on a limb I mean, putting yourself out there. Thats a tough thing to do, and many people are afraid of what that limb will get them into. I admit it, I'm a great big 'ol chicken! I'm afraid to go back out on that limb. The past time I put myself out there I got burned pretty badly.

My friend Quagmire is one of those as well. I saw how his girl-friend hurt him when she cheated on him, got pregnant and them said it was his. He's seen how divorce has hurt those around him and he doesn't want to go through that, so he puts up a wall so that no one can see what really lies beneath. The rare glimpses that I get behind the wall, I like the man that's there.

Its been a while since I was in a relationship and now a days the idea scares the hell out of me. Especially when I want to date someone I'm really good friends with. I don't want it to end badly if we ever get past the fear or the what if's.

I guess you could say the hardest part is that first step.

I put a wall up too, I'm just a scared a nervous, I don't want to find myself back at square one again. I do my best to live in the present and not to dwell on the last one that was, it drives me nuts!

How do you overcome your own fear of being rejected as well as your beaux's fear of a true relationship?

Math

2011-04-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is, but sometimes I get it and other times....I just DON'T!

Seriously! Can someone please tell me why the hell I don't get it!

I can do stuff on the homework and I do my best to carefully copy down the problems and work them out until their right, but then when it comes to the test, it's all Greek to me.

Math has never been my stong suit, this time around eventhough I get it, sometimes I think it has everything to do with my teacher and the lack of actual teaching that he does. I've never critized a teacher harsher than I have this dude, and my teacher from Aviation Law.

All my teacher did in Avi Law did was read from the book, jump around, talk about foot-ball, and then it was time to leave, class over. My math teacher just...doesn't get it!!!

I swear the dude is dilousinal when it comes to our class and our abilities. I understand there is a lesson plan that must be followed, but I think it can be adjusted to the needs of the calss. Not every calss is the same, let alone people.

I have never enjoyed failing, to me failing isn't an option. This is not like high school where you can go to summer school if you don't pass, this is the real world. I'm trying my damdest and nothing seems to be going my way.

Faling is something I did before I had a clue, it is not something as an adult that I want to have on my record, or my mind. I try and try and try again, I don't want to give up. I'm just not sure of what more I can do!

Class is almost over and I will be estatic when 1. I pass my class with at least and hopefully a B and 2.When I'm absolutely and completly finished with that calss and that teacher, I NEVER should have taken this calss with this teacher, it's obvious that I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

Some help would be aprreciated!

The Lime Light...

2010-08-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

For me, being in the lime light is not a good thing. Well, it is but it isn't. Most people love the spotlight and enjoy the attention that they get. NOT ME!

I'm probably one of those rare people who do not like having anything focused on them for more than just a few minutes.

The reason for that is because the moment something good like that happens, and the moment after that when you make a mistake...there are a gazillion fingers pointing at you, criticizing, and basically saying you failed, you didn't deserve to have that good thing happen to you. You're a failure.

That then leads to the embarrassment of forgetting something as simple as not remembering to check to make the air was turned on, having to ask for help, and being looked down upon because you had to ask.

Humiliation and embarrassment at failing and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability is not the most pleasant of feelings, I don't enjoy feeling that way at all.

I'm very lost at this moment. I'm lost in a lot of things, and I don't know which way to go, I need help and be show they way out, but I guess I will have to struggle a little longer in order to claw my way out. Let's just hope I survive.

Facing the music

2010-08-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

Strike up the band, and tell the "Fat Lady" to start warming up her vocals, because I think I'm dunzo...

I don't foresee my life getting any better, I mean it's not bad but it's not complete. Personally...I think I'm never going to truly get what I want from life. It's an understood fact that life is complicated and you don't always get what you want, but have you ever wanted to say "enough is enough, I deserve to have a something I want out of life?"

I'm in my mid 20's and I just don't feel as if I will ever get married, have a kid, you know, the whole nine yards. For a moment in time I thought I had it, and then...it was gone.

My career is coming to an end I just don't know on whose terms is going to be on, mine or theirs.

Politics, mean spirited, no leadership skills type people are trying my nerves to the point where I just...I just...I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say ef it, I'm done I'm done with it all. I hate feeling like an idiot, and forgetting things in a sequence. i don't mean to forget things but I do, a fair amount.

When people leave me hangin' and aide in me feeling like a complete ass, it makes me want to scream. That feeling is the worse one in the world, it ranks right up their with heart break with me. It's enough of a feeling to make me want to crawl in a hole and disappear, and the other half of it, is it makes my face turn and embarrassing shade of red. I think out of shame and humiliation, that sometimes when I don't want to mess up and make a mistake...I do.

Seriously, I'm wondering what else I will be hit with in the remainder of the year...this sucks...I'm tired of failing, and tired of when ever it seems that something good is going to happen, BOOM...a black cloud descends and rains it all away.

Facing the music is ridiculous, absurd, and just a pain...eventually I'll learn that everyone else in the world gets to have the life I want. A marriage, and a family...that's something I'll never have, and eventually I'll realize that.

Trying and epicly, seemingly, failing

2010-07-28T17:24:00.000-07:00

There's a saying that goes; You try, you fail, you try again.....

Then why is it that I am seemingly failing at every turn? Is it me or is it my surroundings?

That's the question I ask myself on a daily bases...there used to be so many aspects of my job that I liked, but they have fallen by the way side recently.

There were so many good, great, and even better day's at my last command. But then again, there were bad days too. The thing is, the bad didn't out weigh the good, and everyone around there had your back no matter what. We were a family. We worked together, we lived together, we drank together, and yes, we even fought together. But that's what happens when you spend a majority of your day with the people you work with, that's the way you become.

To me, now...I work in a hostel unhealthy, chauvinistic driven environment. I have no leadership what so ever and it's very frustrating. I've been in for almost 8 years now, and this is the worst I have ever seen. You know that it's bad when the people that write you up don't have the full story, don't care if they do or don't there the buddy of your LPO, they go out and drink with them, and party with them and get away with EVERYTHING!!!

No matter how hard you try to do your job well, at some point you wind up failing.

I don't like that at all...I don't think people should aide in your failing, they should help you succeed, but they don't. I'm running on thin ice, no matter what I don't know what to do besides keep trying. The thing is, I'm tired of failing at trying. Everyone has a breaking point, and I get shoved towards mine on a daily bases.

When do you or when do I throw in the towel? When is enough, enough? Why is it that I tend to be "The one" the one who gets blamed, the one who seemingly finds herself in trouble...no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to succeed.

Blame game

2010-07-02T11:52:00.000-07:00

Q:Have you ever been afraid to go to work?

My answer: Yes, I have.

You might be wondering why on earth someone would be afraid or fear going to work...well I'll explain.

I work with a bunch of adolescent, juvenile males...who think they are quite possibly gods in their own right. I work with a couple of females too one's not so bad the other gets on my last nerve, but that's besides the point. These males that I work with are not the most cooperative of people and a few are not even good leaders and they have been into a leadership position.

Still you're wondering, Why is she afraid?

I'm afraid of what they will blame on my next on how much trouble I will be in because I'm not there to defend myself, nor is their anyone else in that shop that will defend me. If something is not going the way it's supposed to, they do their best to find an escape goat...so therefore I'm it.

I went on vacation, a real vacation to me for two weeks, and I knew something would go wrong while I was gone and I would pay the price...I was right.

I'm not perfect by any means, and I don't pretend to be. I do my best to my job to the best of my ability but lately it's become to much and I want out. My program at work that I'm in charge of is training. That's monitoring at least 25 peoples qualifications and doing my best to stay on top of it but it's more difficult than people realize.

The people I work with are very critical of pretty much anything I do. I've been accused of being critical too, but I've never made someone feel as if they don't matter or that their just a walking piece of crap. My good friend Red says it should be "water off a ducks back" it's getting there but it still makes me so mad, that no matter how hard I try, to them I always seem to fail.

When I went to work in the morning I was already dreading it, maybe you could say I brought the animosity on to myself with the dread of going to work. The moment I walked into the shop and tried to start getting my "ducks in a row" I got bitched at and blamed.

They had already blamed me for causing them to work Saturday, and criticized me for trying to get my alternate his multiple views in our training program temporally taken away, so that he couldn't go in there and delete some of his qualifications. Maybe I was in the wrong, but the girl in maint admin who threw me under the bus, well let's just say I will not be talking to her any time soon...she should've learned her lesson the first time she threw someone under the bus.

When our extremely annoying jack-ass of a second class that likes to THINK he's a LEADER came in he automatically started b!*&^ing me out...why I don't understand or know. But he starts yelling at me as if I've done something wrong. Saying that I can't sit in the shop and work on my program anymore, since the girl I can't stand worked on my program for me until 9 one evening...gee how many off duty hours has she ever put in?

I say "No biggie, I can't come in and work on it during the weekend" and he then he gets his panties in an even bigger bunch and yells "it is a big deal, she stayed here 'till 9 one night, you have to work late or something you can't work on it during the day."

Now, who died and made him a Master Chief?

It was all down hill from there although one of my good friend Giggles tried to cheer me up with a fried twinki, and some of his home made gumbo. Which was very good and he said he would make more just for me.

The other part of the blame game was they were saying that the stuff they needed to scan in (which I'm still wondering what they needed to scan since we had everything scanned in already) was at my house. I'm still a little confused at who started THAT one, considering the binder that has all the paperwork was in the cabinet above my desk. Makes you wonder did they even TRY to LOOK!?!?

When I came in I had looked for my binder because I had other things to put in there but it wasn't on my desk, and when I asked Princesses (the girl I can't stand) that's when I was informed for the second time that day that I had the binder at my house...because that's what someone said...honestly does anyone look anymore? All I had to do was move some binder's around in the cabinet above my desk and there it was, granted not where I had left it, but it was still in the shop...

Nothing will appease these angry gods who have a really big stick up their butts. I hate going to work because I just know I'll get in trouble for something or another...I'm afraid of getting in trouble for stupid stuff that I have no control over. Mountains out of mole hills has lost it's appeal.

I've got less than a year left and I want out of that hostel environment out the shop and out of the command.

California and work bullshavick

2010-06-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

I've been here in California for the past couple of day's and it's been a really great visit, it's going to be sad to go home and leave here.

I've been staying with my Cousin Gouzetta and her husband, he's stationed here in San Diego. Where they live, it's so beautiful! They live in an area that is surrounded by mountains and it's such a breathtaking view and it is such a big difference as far as heat goes too. I'm from the South and I live in Florida so I am very much used to the extreme humidity and tipple digit temperatures. I get here and it's COOL!!! I can't believe the difference but it's really nice.

Were going to go to Hollywood tomorrow, and I'm very excited! I've always wanted to go, not only that but were also going to Madame Tussuad's Wax Museum, and there they have many celebrities but the one I want to see the most is Vivien Lee as Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind...she's wearing the green drapes dress, oh I can't wait.

The only down side to being here besides missing my baby girl Daisy is WORK! It's not that I miss work, I really don't miss work, that's why I took time off. It's the fact that no matter where I go I can't escape work, people I work with, and being blamed for something beyond my control.
It is such an aggravation getting a call at 1230 in the morning to answer a question. They have no respect for me and no respect for time either.

It's not cool to go on to my Facebook and see that I'm being blamed and harassed because they think it's my fault that they have to work the weekend, when I know that it is because there are numerous programs that need to be worked on and we don't have the time to work on them during the work day, so sadly when that happens before a big inspection we have to go into work.

When you go onto someones Facebook and post something like that on their wall for everyone to see, that's when and where I draw the line. My Facebook is there for me and my friends to talk to each other and keep in touch, it's not there for SOME people who think their still in high school to pull stupid stunts like that. Granted, I know they don't care but I deleted these people from my account, granted that one already had and saved me the trouble, but still.

Sometime I really don't get it. I don't get why people act the way they do, not only that but why the act a certain way towards certain people. What is it that drives them to do that? I guess that's a question that will forever be unanswered. It's also another reason why I want to get out. People have told me time and time again don't let this place determine your future in the Navy considering that I did that before, this time it's different. I'm done, and I really don't care anymore. I've tried to do everything right but I've failed. My command failed me, and so has the Navy.

I'm not sure of what else to say besides I'm done. I'm done being a victim if that's what I am, and I'm done being the punching bag slash escape goat. It's a little sad but I'm ready for a new adventure, I'm ready for my life to really begin.

Almost back to square one...

2010-05-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

In my opinion I'm almost back to square one. If you are wondering what I mean by that I mean this. I may be out of a job come this time next year.

There are some things that the Navy does that does not make a lot of sense to anyone but the one who is making the rules up. One of their wacky ideas is giving us a standardized test to see if we can advance.

I've probably talked about it before but I think it's one of the most retarded ideas out there.

To me it's not understandable to evaluate whether or not some one is ready for advancement on how well they can take a test. Some people honestly have a difficult time taking test but does that mean they can not advance to the next pay grade? If you ask me, I would say NO!!!

Some people have that kind of smarts to take a test and pass it with flying colors, but that does not say if this person is ready for the responsibility of a leadership position. Besides the fact that the test that we take are difficult if you don't or haven't ever worked on a fixed wing aircraft or for what we call AIMD which stands for Aircraft Intermediate Maintenance Department.

Basically what the Navy has done is shot themselves in the foot. What I mean by that is, the Navy had overmanned itself and it can't seem to "pay" for all of us anymore. So what they are doing or have done is to create "hired teenier" and that means after a certain amount of years at one pay grade if you don't advance to the next, then your out. Granted with a nice separation bonus of about 30k but still.

I am an Airframer, and my rate is damn near completely locked up, and the Navy has only just begun to push people out, and it's looking like I may be one of the ones that gets forced out. Which is fairly ridiculous. Since when is it smarter to kick people out that want to be there and keep people that really don't want to be there.

September is my last hope of getting advanced and if I don't, I'm not sure what will be next for me. If I do make Second Class I'm not sure if I will stay in or not. I'm at the point now where I'm almost tired of it all. That and since I have Daisy now, I don't want to go out on a long deployment and have to leave her with Mom. Although Mom wouldn't mind so to speak, I would. I hate imposing on others as well as having to depend on them for some things.

I guess the good thing about being in the Navy has been the places I've gone and the people that I have met, after all I did meet Mighty Mouse on my first deployment, and nothing could beat that experience, no matter what happens.

It's taught me who I am and who I want to be. I am a colorful person, who loves life and culture. I want to have a job that helps people. Maybe even a web designer. I'm a very creative person, and I would like to have the opportunity to fully explore that side of me. After all, I would still be helping people, just making a little bit more money for it.

The down side is, I don't know what I would do for health care, dental, or how I would pay for my mortgage. There are a lot of I don't knows that are still out there, and I don't know where the answer may lie. My career in the Navy has been good and not so good. I loved my job a long time ago, and now...I'm not sure if I do anymore. I'm ready to see the world how I want to see it. Be in charge of myself and do what I want without fear of getting in trouble. I hate fear, and hate fearing the unknown.

That's why I'm back at square one. I don't know where my future lies anymore. Guess sometime after September exam results come out in December I'll find out.

Navy life wonderings

2010-03-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been wondering more and more about whether or not I can make it the rest of my time in the Navy. Or if I'm even cut out to do my job.

After all, enough is enough.

It's hard for me. The hardest it's been in the past 6 years. Granted my last command drove me up the wall, but I never felt stupid. I had a lot of respect from my co-workers, and I didn't second guess myself as much as I do now.

The main reason it's so hard for me is because I'm not as up to par with my co-workers. They have the advantage of always been in the shop, always worked in their rate. Me? Ha! In the last 7 years this is what I've done.

Worked in 1st LT for a year
Went TAD on the boat for 6 months during my first deployment
Spent 2 years in the Line Shack
Worked 2 years in Corrosion

Then when I got to my shop at my current command I spent about 3 months or so actually working in my rate before I had to take a break from it and work on training on the computer.

I've only been working "Hard Core" Airframes stuff for the past couple of months. I'm trying, but it's not going very well. People talk to me like I'm stupid, treat me with no respect, and act like they should be given the respect they don't show me.

Mostly I don't get it! Why is it so hard for me to understand? Am I really not cut out to do this job after all? Maybe it's just the fact that I've never actually worked in my rate for very long, or it could be I just don't have very good leaders as far as supervisors go.

It stresses me out, and makes me feel like crap. I try to make myself feel better by remind myself that I haven't been doing this as long as they have, but at least I'm trying. Or at least I THINK I'm trying...it's eventually gotta come down to me becoming def to them or to something. It's a hard decision to make when you know there's something better out there as far as the Navy goes, but you can't get there because someone wasn't paying attention to your career and you got screwed out of orders to a new command by three months.

Granted that I was paying attention but I didn't know there was some new rule that came out and moved it back by three months. SO I'm stuck in hell for another year...WHAT-A-DRAG!!!

The scary part would be getting out and not knowing what the hell I was going to do for a job, or school for that matter. I don't know WHAT I WANT TO BE!!! I don't know if I could teach like my mom, or if I would even want to.

I've wanted to go the University of Georgia for most of my life, and I want to much to get there, I just don't know how or when I will get there.

It does bother me A LOT that I don't know my job as well as others do and I feel rather incompetent doing it sometimes, and all I want is to be good at what I do and UNDERSTAND! But the biggest thing is, how do you learn or understand if there's no one their willing to take the time and teach you?

Another thing is, I don't like it when people yell at me in front of others. If you have a problem with me or with something I did, come to me, don't announce it to the whole shop or shops. That's just wrong, and it's considered throwing someone under the bus. Secondly I'm a very private person and you yelling at me and talking down to me in front of an audience, is considered a violation of my privacy. I don't want the whole world knowing about my mistakes. Granted, I'm human and I will make mistakes and I accept that, but why can't other people accept the fact that there are better ways to talk to people in order to get what you want.

I know that being nice all the time isn't going to get you what you want, but talking down to someone and yelling at them like their stupid isn't either.

My question is: How do I leave the Navy and be able to financially support myself? Is it something that I can do, is it something I really want, or is it just a way for me to feel some sort of relief?

I don't know what to do next...

Wonder

2010-02-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder.

I wonder why things have happened the way they have.

Wonder why after all the time it took Mighty Mouse and I to be together, why in the blink of an eye, he was gone. With out even a fight or a second glance.

I most often wonder how he is, and if he misses me as much as I miss him. I'm glad to know when he's coming home. Excited for him so he gets to go home and see his kids. And of course Brinkley the Sheltie. They are all cute, the kids and the dog that is.

Then the other times I wonder, why did I ever develop something for an idiotic Curve Ball? The guy hasn't a clue. He's been my friend for years and we've been close the past few years. I've been there for him through his divorce, through the pregnancy of my best friend and room mate, through breaking up with his ex girl-friend (who was a bit on the loony side) and most recently through his DUI and MAJOR possibility of being separated from the Navy.

He has no clue...neither do I, I'll admit. I don't know why I feel for him. Maybe it's because I have such a big heart or maybe it's because he's just filling in the void.

I recently found out that he asked his current girl-friend to marry him, naturally she said yes. He even got his son to help out with it. I think it's the most ridiculous thing he's done YET!! Granted that's my OPINION, but it's still an opinion. I don't feel like they belong together. They haven't even been together very long and all of a sudden he thinks "Oh maybe I should marry her, she wont leave me, or nag me" I think though he's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

My OPINION is he's doing it to save face in court when he goes in for his DUI charges, and also because his former best friend and ex-wife are getting married. So he wants to get back at her by doing the same. I don't know though.

But the reason why I wonder so much is because I'm invited to Vegas, well BEGGED, I decide to come, and then I'm lied to WTF? I don't get it I wonder what's going through his small little pee brain...granted I never wanted a relationship but I did want a chance. A chance that no once seems to give me. They just give up and walk away, don't even try, just give up.

I wonder why he doesn't or didn't see our connection. I know I'm in love with Mighty Mouse, and he's the absolute one and only mouse for me! =) But why do I like someone else? I understand your going to be attracted to other people, but why this idiot? It hurt to hear that Curve Ball had asked that famous question we all long to hear, but not as much as hearing that Mighty Mouse thought we weren't meant to be after all these years...I don't know...

I don't know what to think or what to do. Fighting is what I can do, I just don't know if it'll work...for either one...I just want to have my Mighty Mouse home with me and Daisy.

Fear

2010-01-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

Fear is a gripping, non physical, emotional being that takes hold of us when we least expect it. It holds us down and keeps us hidden safe and sound inside our thin outer shells.

Fear is one of those things that shoves your head under the water and holds it there forever, expecting you to breath while your under. Never knowing that if you could you would, so you suffocate. You suffocate on fear.

For me fear holds me back from a things here and there. Especially when it concerns me and something that involves me.

I'm not generally afraid of many things, just emotional issues. I fear the answers I will get, and I fear being hurt.

Fear is also one of THOSE, that holds us back or knocks us down, expecting us to get down and stay down and not try and conquer over it.

I fear telling Mighty Mouse that I love him still, and that no matter what I just want to be with him. I fear telling Curve Ball that I enjoy hanging out with him, and spending time with him. I fear telling both of them that I'm an incredible person and if there not smart they will miss something tremendously wonderful (and it's not often that I toot my own horn like that).

Sometimes I fear that I'll never see Mighty Mouse again and that just kills me, sometimes I wish I could let him or tell him to read what I write here because this is all me with no hold backs, a lot of honesty and full emotional input.

But then again there's that fear thing coming back again, and it tells me not too because I don't know the out come of it. I'm one of those "WHY?" people. I tend to ask why a lot because I fear the unknown. Basically I'm a big 'ol freakin' scaredy cat.

How do we overcome fear? How do I face my fears, and face my fears alone? Once again there's that alone thing, and here's the fear that goes with it...I fear living the rest of my life alone, with no one to really share my life with. I was almost there, almost done with that fear, when everything came crashing down around me.

Fear is what holds me back from telling the people I care about how I really feel. I don't want to jeopardize my friendships or relationships with them, so I don't say a thing, and I watch them be happy, as I drive away wondering when it will be my turn.

Lone

2010-01-24T15:08:00.000-08:00

I'm alone. I don't like it much, and it gets rather depressing at times, just sitting here watching TV or playing Mario Brothers by myself. But I don't think there's much I can do about it.

I'm a people person. Unlike some people in my family I do enjoy being around people. Granted, just like everyone I like my alone time too, but I've had enough of that to last me a long while.

Is it so much to ask for to have someone special in my life? I'm 25 for God sakes, and I'm a FREAKIN 'LONE! I don't know what the hell has gone so wrong that the people just give up on me with out even really trying. That's what I feel like at least. I feel like people give up on me before I or we've even had a chance at anything real.

I miss having someone there at night to talk to and share my thoughts with. With Mighty Mouse and I not talking much and him being out on the boat, I find myself missing him more and more. Although he would never know it. The few days that we spent together were some of the best.

Having someone to hold me close at night is something I miss as much as his voice and presence. Is it so much to ask for to have someone do that? Sometimes it hurts to see people so happy when I'm not. It hurts me to see people that have significant others so happy and here I am with no one.

What can I do, besides sit here and wait? I have no clue, I can't even tell Curve ball that I like spending time with him no matter how annoying or loud he gets. He also has a girl-friend, but that's hasn't stopped us from hanging out before, but now that he's back in town it is different.

I hate being alone.

More Boobage

2009-10-01T16:48:00.001-07:00

Why is it that we full chested gals can not find a decent bra that looks good?

I love Victoria's Secret and Aeri. But, sometimes it is so hard to find my size. I'm only a 38B, I'm sure my mother would say other wise but, I am what I say I am.

It gets difficult when you go shopping at their stores and you to find your size but they don't have it. Why is that? It's not like I'm some random outrageous size. It's a normal size!!

Every time I go into Victoria's Secret I go to the PINK collection. Why? Because they have the cutest bra's. That and their really girly and colorful. Which are all things that I love.

Even when I go onto Aeri's website and look it gets difficult. I see a really cute 2 colored polka-dotted bra, and I click on it to see how much it is, and see if they have my size....

They don't.

You may wonder why web sites say they offer size 34A-38DD but yet, when you look for what you like they don't have your size in what they want. I know I wonder.

I had to shop by size, and it pulled up a few of their collections. The ones I clicked on wound up having my size highlighted in blue, but what erked me was that it was select collections. Not all.

Is that fair? Is it fair to only offer your size in select collections or patterns? Why not all? Doesn't their clothes depend on selling, so therefore they depend on us. Well, if they don't offer our size then don't they loose possible customers, as well as good business.

I get so frustrated shopping for bra's. Mainly because it's a little depressing when you can't buy the cute bra that you saw in the sales add.

Shopping for bra's is an ordeal, so much so that you have to shop online to find your size, even though it's a normal size. Do they really think all girls have itty bitty boobs, and if so WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Granted if we really wanted a bra we could probably go to Wal-Mart or Target. But would we be able to get the same quality?

I'm just wondering, and really wanting some cute bra's.

Dogs, cars and lieshes

2009-09-26T19:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight, was one of THOSE nights. The one out of a million or so mundane nights that you've had before only this mundane night turned into something very different from what was expected.

After getting a surprise visit by one of my dear friends Zelda, we decided to go to the Dairy Queen and get a snack. She opted to take the dogs along. Since I had taken Daisy before, and I knew Minnie had done the same for Cindy, I figured why not. They would be tired by the time we got back anyway.

The walk there was uneventful, we got out ice cream and water, then we started out for home. That's when all hell broke loose so to speak.

Zelda had Cindy and I had Daisy and we were about to cross in the cross walk before the entrance to Taco Bell. That's when Cindy pulled out of he leash.

There was something in the road and Cindy jumped around it to see what it was and so did Zelda, by the time she realized that she no longer had her coller on, it was too late, Cindy was on the run.

We gave chase of Cindy, and I really thought she would stop. I figured she knew better being raised by Sarah.

She stopped for a moment in front of the boarded up Checkers, and I was only a few feet from her, and as I was about to grab her she took off.

We started running after her again, and mind you that I'm running in flip flops and Zelda's running in platforms.

There were some really nice people that tried to stop and help us corral Cindy. It almost worked, we had her blocked in by two cars, then she got through an opening...getting closer to the road...I ran after her after she got through the two cars trying to tap her in. Zelda was on the other side and I honestly thought our ordeal was almost over.

But remember, it was almost 10 o'clock at night on a Saturday on a very busy road in Jacksonville.

The next thing I know, Cindy had ran into traffic....

I heard Zelda yell for her, saw car's slamming on brakes and trying to stop, then I heard barking. I couldn't see what was happening...there were cars blocking my view, but the worse thing that could happen did happen...

She got hit by a car...then she turned around and barked at the car...like it was the cars fault for hitting her and she was showing her indignation of being hit by barking at it.

Once again she was off and running...I lost sight of her and I couldn't tell where she had gone. I didn't know if she would run back to my house or run back to her house which is in the same subdivision.

As Zelda and I are run/walking down a poorly lit road by the house, a really nice lady stopped and told us to get in...mind you I never take rides from strangers, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

She told us that she had been following Cindy and she saw two other guys running after her, so she turned around and came and picked us up.

As she turned into our Subdivision, I asked her to just drop us off at the beginning of our street, but Zelda said let's just ride around and see if we can find her. As we got a little further down the street, we could see that the two gentlemen had found her...at MY HOUSE!

When we pulled up to the house and I opened the garage door they were a little surprised to find out that she had ran all the way back to the house.

I finally had Cindy stopped we put her coller on and led her back into the house...of course saying thank you to the two gentlemen who took the time to help us.

The thing I didn't realize was that Cindy was bleeding...all over the place. Not bad, but she had cut up the pads of her paws from running on the pavement. I tried to calm her down once we got in the house but she just kept panting. Next thing you know, Zelda, Cindy and I are on our way to the Clay County Animal Emergency Room.

After a two hour visit and some powerful drugs later Cindy is on her way back to being the same 'ole pain in the rear dog...I'm just hoping that Minnie finally takes my advice and gets her a harness.

That way she can't slip out of collier and scare the hell out of anyone EVER again.

The only bad thing or hard thing was having to call Minnie and her sister to tell them what had happened. It was so hard to do, and I feel really horrible for what happened while she was here. It's safe to say I will NEVER dog sit again.

I feel awkward and a little reluctant when I talk to Minnie. This is two days after Cindy got hit by the car, and for me it's hard to face my friend. Even though she said it wasn't my fault and said I did the right thing, I feel like maybe she maybe a little mad at me. She may not say it but I feel like it's possible, even though she's an incredibly nice person, I think she's subject to the human emotion of madness.

Faith

2009-09-22T15:38:00.001-07:00

Faith: What is it, and why do some of us tend to have more of it than others?

Me, I'm one of those that tends to have a lot faith in people and situations. Especially when it comes to my team. Curve Ball will tell me over and over again that Georgia will loose, and I say over and over again, no they wont. Why? Because I have faith in my team.

Sometimes I think I put to much faith in people. I guess I'm one of those people who chooses to see the good in people, or tries to see the good.

I have a lot of faith in my abilities, I just wish other people did too. People sell me short, don't give me enough credit, think I'm not good enough, or just think I'm stupid.

My co-workers and even my friends are guilty of not having faith in me or anything for that matter.

I'm the kind of person that wants to prove themselves. Prove that they can hang with the big boys, and play with big boy toys. But some people mistake that for being obstinate, when it's really just determination that drives me to finish my work, even when it's kicking my butt.

I also have faith in love. The love and bond that two people share despite the obstacles they must overcome in order to be. Most of all I have faith in me.

Boobage

2009-09-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

Boobs...women have then, some hate them, men tend to love them. Something I still don't get but whatever ( I have a feeling my mother may blush at the above sentence).

I've often wondered why we women have been "blessed" with boobs. Their either too small or to large, some get the happy medium others don't.

Every time I go for a run I think about this. Usually when there bouncing everywhere, despite the sports bra.

When you've got an abundance of boobage it makes it difficult to do many things, like running, swimming in a two piece, and wearing button up shirts.

As I was driving back to work the other day from PT, I noticed a woman who was a little heavy, and a rather large booty, and chest running with a partner. A thought occurred to me...is running hard for her? It seemed like it was, I don't think her boobage was tied down at all.

It gets tough sometimes, you're trying to run but your boobs just move around so much that it takes more of an effort to run, and not feel like you're running out of breath.

The same thing goes for swimming. You can find a great pair of bottoms, which for me is hard to do but I do have one pair of bottoms that look great on me, but finding a top is difficult, especially when it's not made to be sold separately.

When I go swimming with the girls, we usually start to play around in the water, ya know, the doing flips doing handstands under water sort of thing. But every time I jump from in the water to out of the water to back in the water, my top doesn't like to stay on, or I'm constantly adjusting then readjusting my coverage.

Me, I love to dive, but once again when I dive my top doesn't like to. Sometimes it has a mind of it's own.

Some people are so lucky, they see a really cute button up shirt, the like it they buy it, all is well. Me or women like me however see a cute button up shirt, try it on, realize that when it's buttoned up, the buttons around the biggest part of our boobs pulls to either side and screams, "Hey look at me I'm a large pair of boobs in a shirt that doesn't fit."

One of my friends just recently had a reduction. She looks so much better now, her boobs look like they belong on her body. Before she had reduction, her boobs use to be so large that at night it would pinch a nerve in her back and make her arms or legs go numb for a little while.

I don't know if I will understand why women want to get "DD" or "FF" implants. That's just so much more weight on your top end that is really not that flattering. Granted, their are women who are born with little to no boobage who have a self esteem issue that decide later on in life to augmentation to alleviate that problem but their is such a thing as too much.

Boobage is also a problem when you're trying to loose weight and part of your weight is stuck in your boobs. Trust me, it wasn't until I dropped like 20 lbs on cruise that my boobs actually diminished in size slightly. I wish when I do weigh-ins for the PRT that we could subtract the weight of our boobs, especially since men don't have that issue, so weigh-ins are no problem for them.

Boobage is a bitch to deal with, their needs to be a way to diminish the boobage that we carry around with us for most of our lives with out surgery, or a dramatic drop in weight.

Thank you's and good job!

2009-08-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

I wonder how many people these days say thank you? Saying thank you is something I always say, I guess it was part of my upbringing. My Me maw would get so haughty with me as a kid if I didn't say "Yes Mam, no mam, thank you, your welcome" She was a very, very old fashioned Southern woman.

There isn't a day that goes by that I haven't said thank you to someone. To me, it's an important part of who I am as a person. It's polite and it even catches people of guard sometimes because they don't hear it that ofter.

Whenever I work with people I always make sure to say thank you, and if it's someone who is learning something new, I make a point to tell them good job.

Giving someone a boost like "Good job" may be the only positive thing that they hear all day. After all the world is a rather negative place these days.

Good job means a lot to me. It's a pat on the back sort of thing, I some what believe my piers when the tell me that, half the time I think their being sarcastic, because that's what they do best. Criticize my short comings and be as negative as they possibly can be.

I don't know if people in the Navy hear that enough..."Good job" I was working with this new Airmen today, who really didn't know how to fuel an aircraft. So, I had to be stern (if that's a good description) and be serious with the guy. I began by asking him questions about the evolution we were doing, to get the wheels in his head turning. It did, I got him to realize what we needed to get out hob done, WITHOUT doing something stupid, like fueling with out power applied.

When we got done with fueling, I told him "Good job" he said thank you and we started walking back to the shack. As we walked I reminded him of what he needed the next time he did a fueling, and told him that I knew that the next time he had to fuel he could do it with no problem.

I like being able to do something like that. Give someone a boost. They may walk away thinking that they did a bad job and may loose some confidence but if you tell them they did good and help them along, it can only bring some good ju ju your way.

Water, water, everywhere.....

2009-08-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a little on the green side. If you know what I mean! I'm all in for recycling, conservation of our materials, and alternate means to help us survive without using up all our precious resources.

Water is a precious commodity that we take for advantage, and over use without even giving it a second thought.

Have you ever turned on the water while you were brushing your teeth and left it running?

How about while you were washing the car? Maybe you didn't have a spray nozzle and decided to just wing it, but didn't want to take the time to turn off the water?

As someone that has served on board an Aircraft Carrier, I know about water conservation, and how important it is. After all, who wants to get down from the flight deck at the end of the day after being up there in the 100 plus degree heat, and not be able to take a shower.

The other day I was out on the wash rack waiting for the line rats to get done with the wash job so that I could go and do my post wash lube job. As I stood there I noticed that no one was using the water, but the water was running....into the drain....it wasn't being used, it was being wasted.

I mean, come on, the least they could have done was to turn the water off, there wasn't a purpose to having it continue running.

You would think that the Navy, being all sea power and everything, would teach us more about conservation acts, and provide us with the material to do so, but NOPE, they don't.

On a ship water is precious, but it seems like the moment you're on land, all that goes out the window. The next time you brush your teeth turn the water off until your done, save a little water for the rest of us, you never know when it will be all gone.

Enough is enough, already! Gee whiz man!

2009-08-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't get people, and why they do what they do. It makes me want to sit down and examine there inner mind workings. Pick their brain as it were.

It's a given that I'm a very nice person...why? Probably because I like being nice, and being a bit cheerful never hurt anyone. Besides you never know when a person is having a bad day and the little bit of kindness they get is from you. It could be the brightest point in their day, maybe even change it for the better.

The biggest thing with me is why are people or a person in general mean on purpose? What is it about deliberately hurting someone that gets them off? Do they have that low of self esteem that they have to go and attack someone else, just for sheer hell of it?

My other question is, why are people deliberately mean to me? On at least a daily bases, it gets thrown in my face by one of my co-workers that I don't know how to do my job. It may start off nice, as a general discussion for instance, I'll say something and then the will turn around and say :"At least I know how to do my job"

That makes me so mad that they say that, I can't even defend myself, the moment I even try, i have insults thrown at me. I hate being talked down to, and when I try and learn something that I don't know how to do, they usually give me a hard time and then they try and take over what I'm doing...I really hate that.

Today, we were filling out a Green MAF for a calender inspection that was done. Our primary maintenance data system has been down for the past couple of days and just came back up today. The only catch was, calender inspections were not operational yet. When we went to maintenance to sign off what we call a 14-day inspection, I wasn't sure where the MAF (maintenance action form) was in the ADB(aircraft discrepancy book) so I was taking my time while Dem sum was looking in the other book.

He finally tells me, after I had flipped to the last MAF in the active section and just about to flip to the special section, to look under specials. Sorry, but I'm not that failure with the ADB. So I find the MAF and I start asking questions..."Am I supposed to just sign this?" I'm not sure of what I was doing, if it had been on the computer I wouldn't need to ask, but it's on paper and it's not a normal thing so I asked.

His response: "You're not the only one doing a special" he flipped the MAF over and showed me the back..."You gotta but your name down tool box, time you started" well I knew all that but then he said "You can't just put yourself down for time, I just put you on this MAF for two hours...just go, just leave I'll do it..."

I hadn't written anything yet, didn't even try was looking over what other people had written before me. Didn't say I was going to put time on or anything, I didn't even get the chance to try. To me that was a slap in the face. This guy is so impatient and has no leadership qualities what so ever that he can't even take the time and show me how to do something I'm not sure how to do.

Yes, I understand he thinks he better than me because he was there before me and been in our shop longer. My friend Yena said that if someone told him he would get a NAM for training someone, then he'd probably do it then. However, I devote my off time to working on my program. Making sure that it's good, I have a lot of pride in what I do. But, I'm always willing to help people. I help people in my shop as well as out. I try to be a good leader, and have the patience to teach something new to someone.

It's frustrating to do that sometimes, but if you don't take the time to stop and teach someone how are they going to learn? And eventually when you move on up in the rankings, if you haven't taught them well, how are they going to be able to step in and take charge?

Enough, is enough...Ms. Nice girl is leaving the building with a vengeance and slamming doors as she goes. My ass as been bitten one to many times, and I'm tired of it. Thankfully, one of my friends (who is higher ranking than the both of us) offered to help me out. I vented to him and said that it was ok for right now, I'm not sure what the next step needs to be, because I'm sick and tired of being talked down to, and being spoken to like I'm and idiot. He told me that when I want him to talk to Dem sum, just holler and he will do it. Evidently, I'm not the only one in my shop that goes to him with issues. Since my LPO and Chief aren't that approachable, and are unsympathetic, and unhelpful, D-Red is the one we all go to. He's the first higher raking or first PO1 (Petty Officer First Class) that I could sit down and tell him strait up what I was thinking, and how I was feeling.

THAT'S HOW A PO1 is supposed to be. There supposed to help out their junior sailors with anything that comes their way. Or at least that's the way it used to be...maybe the new Navy isn't getting better than the old Navy...maybe the new Navy needs to take a page out of an older play book as far as higher ranking people go, and learn again how to take care of their people. After all, that's how the Chief Petty Officer got it's start.

The most skilled petty officer was called "Chief" he was the one that the junior enlisted looked up to, that's why he was called Chief. Where has that gone? Why is it that people just don't care anymore? I still do, I care a lot about my job and performance. I always strive to do my best, Why can't others see that?

Mike

2009-08-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

A few days ago my mom posted something about Mike. It was the story of who she thought for the longest time was Mike, but as it turned out was just one of my Chiefs that I was friends with.

That happened on my first cruise, and sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday.

We had a lot of fun together then, and still did until recently. But that's another story for another day.

It made me a little sad to read that, but it was still funny at the same time. It's one of those bitter sweet memories that people like to talk about.

I don't think I even knew at that point how much I loved him. It's surprising to know that my mom knew before me that I was in love with him. And I do love him still very very much so.

There has been so much that has happened between then and now. Good and bad. The one thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him. I know my Mom, and other people may not understand, but I can't explain it. The best way I can though is to say "You're not Me" and the fact is that you don't feel what I feel or hear or say what I say.

I know it's tough, I can't make it easy for anyone not even myself to understand. I'm stubborn and head strong to the very end.

The night that I know I fell in love with him was our first "date" if you want to call it that. We were in Dubai and that morning I had literally ran into him in the p-way outside my birthing. We went to the Sandbox and wound up staying out there the entire day. Playing pool, walking around and talking, and enjoying each others company.

I don't think I had ever talked to someone for that long that I hadn't really known before. But it was one of the best nights of my life. There was just something about him that made me so comfortable and so attracted to him.

After the sun went down that night, it started to get a little cold, and I asked him to walk back with me to grab my coat, naturally he agreed, he's southern and he's a gentlemen, what else would he say. As we walked back to the ship, he put his arm around me, and told me he wanted to kiss me. Oh man, did I want him to do that. But were in the Navy and there's no PDA!!

We spent the next few hours drinking, laughing, and having so much fun. I sat there next to him and knew that I never wanted to be with anyone else.

But due to circumstances beyond my control, it took 5 years for us to finally be with each other again, be in love with each other, give in to every emotion we held back from each other, and share the love we had for each other. But not everything ends with a happy ending....in the blink of an eye, without warning he was gone from me...gone from us....

Maybe my happy ending is still to come, maybe someday I will heal....but I will always have Dubai and the Sandbox.

Cianas Birthday Present

2009-08-08T18:09:00.000-07:00

For my B-F-F Chianas birthday I knew I wanted to get her something really special and very unique to her personality.

Well, for starters she likes Skulls. She had a really cute skull sticker on the back of her car, I think it has a bow on it, can't remember. One day Zelda and I are perusing the selves of Home Depot...we like to go in there and drool and dream....n e ways back to my story.

So there I was in the middle of the LA.....oh wait wrong story, that belongs in a sea story, which I'm sure I will eventually post about, just not not. Ok, now back to my original story.

Zelda and I were walking around looking at flowers and appliances, and we passed by where they make keys and they have a bunch of different looking lanyards. I looked to see if they had a UGA one, naturally they didn't, but they had a really cute one that had skulls on it, and it was pink.

Normally, I wouldn't get her something pink, but it was cute so I got it. She loved it! I told her that it was only part one of her b-day gift. I had gotten the notion one weekend when my Bragger mom and I went to Jo Anne's Fabrics looking for something or another for her corceting project.

I saw all these really neat and colorful fabrics and I loved them all, it made me want to create something and use all the fabrics in all different colors that I saw. Then I came across some skull fabric and it was the same kind that one of my Chiefs had as a skull cap that our departed CO had hand made for him.

It was then that I decided that I could make something useful for Chiana and make it really personal and special. So today after I left my wonderful duty morning of being a janitor slash Gardener (we had to pull weeds in front of the door to the squadron) I went to Jo Anne's and picked up some fabric and when I got home I went to work on it.

Naturally it never starts off as planned and I really didn't think that it would take me all day, but always remember, measure twice, cut once. My handles wound up being too short, so I had to cut and re-do. But during my process I had to switch sewing machines twice, and broke thread and got my fabric stuck due to my thread getting stuck many, many times. Oh and not to mention I broke almost all my needles.

I say almost all my needles because as I was putting everything up I found the other needle that had fallen out of the package. I was a little perturbed because I was on the last part of sewing the bag and then my needle broke. But woo hoo! I had found one, so I talked nice to my machine all the way through out the completion of the bag, and it turned out rather nice.

Oh and did I mention, I've never made anything like that before, and I didn't even have a patter. Just looked at a bag I had and sketched out what I wanted to do and away I went.

I started my project and 1030 this morning, I finished it at 1930 this evening, didn't even feel like it was that long. But I finished and here is the finished project.

Only people from Georgia.....

2009-08-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was sent out on an early morning food run to of all places in the world to be at 9 in morning Tropical Smoothie.

As I was standing there waiting for my smoothies to be finished, another customer walked in. As I was about to find out she too was from Georgia.

She approached me and asked if that was my car out there with the Georgia tag. I said I was and we started making pleasant conversation.

Then she asked where Barrow County was. She thought it was near Atlanta or Athens. I told her that it was about 45 minutes North East of Atlanta. Between Athens and Atlanta. We both agreed that we miss is and it's such a great place to live. I told the lady that I liked it around fall when all the leaves began to change.

Then the Lady asked me if Staham, or Statham as she said it, was in Barrow County. I replied that it was and that I grew up there. She then said that she has family there and asked if I knew them.

Being polite I said I may who knows maybe I would maybe I wouldn't. So she gives me the name of her family, and asked if I knew them, I said I didn't think so and she begins to tell me that her cousins daughter just recently started attending Berry College.

I got my smoothies, said good-bye and started back for work. As I got back in my car I came to this conclusion....Only people in Georgia would ask if you knew someone from Georgia.

Kindness

2009-08-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

The other day someone payed me the kind of complement I had never received before. They said they wanted to be like me, because I am always so nice to people, and I always smile.

I don't know why anyone would want to be me, but I appreciate it none the less. I am or I think I try to be a kind person. I like to be nice to people, it's my nature I guess. When I was growing up people were not very nice to me. They picked on me and called me names, I never understood why.

I'm one of those people that try their best to do what they can for my friends or for anyone that deserves it, and even those that don't.

When my friend told me this I was a little blown away, she said she wanted to be nicer to people because she feels she's a bitch most of the time. Which, in all honesty she is but she can be nice too, when she tried. She didn't think I got mad and blew up at people. My Chief that had been sitting in there listing started laughing and told her that I have in fact blown up on people, and she's seen it, it just takes a while to do it.

I have a really big heart, and I'm sensitive to the extreme. Which is a quality I'm not that fond of. Emotions are not my best friend, their my worst enemy, I think it has a lot to do with anxiety. I want to do what I can for people because I want to and I know that most will not go that extra mile for anyone no matter what.

Morale of the story or rambling is be nice to be nice, not to get anything out of it but to give a little part of you to someone else, and maybe you will be that one person that shows them that kindness in that day, or week. They may take the kindness that you have shown and put it to good use, or even start a chain and pass it one.

Red bags...

2009-07-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

Is it me, or am I the only one who takes the red bags to Target to go shopping?

Reason I'm asking is because I never see anyone else taking those bags in, and when I do I almost feel bad because their use to just using the plastic bags. But I always hated using those darn things.

For one, when you have something cold and you put it in the bag the bag would stick to the cold thing, but if you get the reusable bags it doesn't. Thing two, there were always entirely too many bags to contend with, and never more than two items or more in each bag.

I love using the reusable bags. There's so much more than can fit in there and you can carry them a lot better than you could a regular plastic bag. Example, you can put multiple bags over your shoulder like a carrying bag. Can you do that with a plastic bag? You could try but I'm not sure if the bag would stay intact.

Going paperless is a great idea. At least to me it is! Their are multiple uses for the bags you don't even have to use them to buy groceries. If you go there for other things use it then. Try it out, go to a store like Target grab a reusable bag and try it out see how you like it, you never know until you try.

Bath time

2009-07-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Today was bath time. Bath time, for Daisy and Cindy Lou. It's quite the ordeal for Cindy to get a bath, reason being is that she's a big 'ole chicken when it comes to getting a bath. Her Mom told me that she had her teeth brushed and her ears cleaned and the bath was the last part of it. Then after she was done with her bath she was going to go home and pout.

Daisy is relatively calm when it comes to getting a bath. A lot less than Cindy, but she looks like she enjoys it to me. It's a struggle at first to get her all wet but once you start the scrubbing and spray her on her tummy she really likes it.

Another part of bath time is Cindy and Daisy playing. Well Daisy tries to play and Cindy just tries to eat her. Not really but that's what it looks like. So Cindy went first today, because she started playing rough the moment the moment those two saw each other. Her Mom had to tighten down her caller she said "this time their will be no escape artist." Normally what happens is, the moment Cindy sees the water and knows what's going on she does her best to get away from it. So when one person tries to pull and she's pulling in the opposite direction, she's bound to slip out of her caller.

They really are a pair those two. An odd pair but their friends. Really they are! Once they've calmed down, they will even take naps with each other.

Trying to sleep when you have a very playful dog...

2009-07-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today I came home from work and I decided that it was time to take a nap. I've been so exhausted the past couple of day's and I don't know why. I haven't been working out on the flight line so I know it's not the heat. Sometimes it pays off to be stuck in front of a computer.

Getting back to point of the story. When I came home today, after taking Daisy out to potty and do all that good stuff, I immediately went upstairs put my pj's on and tried to lay down and sleep for a little while. What I didn't know was what the dog was going to do while I tried to sleep.

At first she was ok or I think she was ok with me going upstairs to lie down, but then I realized that she really wanted me to play with her. Weather I'm laying down or sitting in my chair.

She keeps coming and jumping on the bed with her favorite toy a squeaky Elephant I call Horton, after Horton hears a Who. Daisy has the Elephant in her mouth and she keeps hitting me with it, and will not stop. I have my hand above my head and she takes the Elephant and tries to put it my hand. What she's saying is "come on, throw the toy, I want you to throw toy."

Naturally, I throw the Elephant out of the room, and time and time again she kept bringing it back to me . Finally I was so tired that I just quit throwing it, and she hopped up on the bed curled up in a little ball and decided to take a nap herself. There's one thing you got to know about my baby girl...she's relentless, but she's cute!

Airframers and the amusment we find in the simple things #3

2009-07-08T16:36:00.000-07:00

One again my co-workers have done it. They've found amusement amongst themselves, and to I get the opportunity to write about it. It's similar to the Three Stooges, although the one stooge in this story didn't mind what they were doing.

We'll call my three stooges Father, Son, and Dem sum. Besides that's some of the many names that they are called. It starts out with Father sitting on the table in the shop waiting for the meeting to be over with, when Son noticed a hanging shoe lace from Fathers boot, and the comedy ensued from there.

As it turns out Son likes to play jokes on Father and Dem sum likes to join in on whatever he can. Father didn't mind he was laughing along with them. Son took one shoe lace from each boot and tied it together. Mind you that Fathers legs are dangling off the table at this point. Well, Son then decides to tie one shoe lace to the table legs, and while Son was doing that Dem sum decided to tie the other shoe string to the other side of the table. He did that while Father was distracted.

When Son finished tying the shoe lace Father starting laughing when he realized that he couldn't get down from the table and if he did, he would fall off, head first. While the rest of us including Father are laughing at his predicament, here comes the Night Check supervisor from out of no where with scissors and cuts his shoe lace free from the table.

Most of us were still laughing, ans then someone asked why he did that we were having fun. He said "I know, but I wasn't" and then her started laughing. It was amusing to watch father try and re lace his boots, especially since he didn't even them out to begin with and now one side was shorter than the other, then he couldn't even lace his boot all the way up and wrap the laces around. So what did he do? He laced his boot halfway up then snipped off the odd end.

Also, it seems that the other day when Father was once again distracted by Son, that another stooge we call "T" zip-tied him to the FOD can in the shop. Father didn't realize that he was zip-tied to the can, so when he got up to go somewhere, he stood up and started clanking when he walked and then he noticed he was zip-tied to the can. He just laughed and said "free seat" and sat down.

All I'm saying is everyone has their own set of stooges. These are just a mere 3 of the many.

What tha!

2009-07-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

What else is next? Fist the one person in this world I love the most leaves me then my curve ball finds out he's leaving on Sunday. He's not going to Iraq yet, he has to go through training. But he's going there eventually and he'll be back about this time next year. I'm sad to see him go, he's one of my close friends and I don't really know what's next at least as far as I go? I'm at a loss for most anything these days, I'm not sure what to do, most of my friends say there's nothing I can do. It just seems that I'm losing at every turn. My best friend just told me she's engaged and when her fiancee gets back from cruise their going to be married. I'm very happy for her but at the same time it hurts because I was going to be getting married when my guy got back next summer, now I'm not and it hurts every day that I think about that and no one not even me, can do anything about it.

My 25th birthday

2009-07-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

On the 29th of June I turned 25. So since it was my birthday my friend Gin (Ginny Link) decided that she would make the best of it for me starting at 1145 the night before. The story with that is two years ago we had flown to VA to go to the boat on early det for COMPTUEX, and I told her as we were sitting on the bus going to the boat that it was my birthday, it was 1219 am and what does the woman do? She yells out that it's my birthday and tries to get everyone to sing happy birthday to me that was there, it wound up being just here but it was funny and embarrassing, but it was sweet of her to do. That's why she decided to show up at my house at 1145 on the 28th. I had just gotten back from SC and was exhausted and trying to sleep but she was persistent then she decides to call me and tell me to come down and let her in! I told her let yourself in you have a key!!! In all her bubblieness she came in and waited for it to be 19 minutes after midnight and proceeded to sing happy birthday to me, and she brought a balloon for me! So the very same morning much later now, I went and picked her up at her apartment and took her to PSD, then I had to stop and get gas on base. Shouldn't have stopped I just new she was going to do something, and oh boy did she. She's on the other side of the car standing up and talking to me over the car as I'm getting gas and then next thing you know she's telling everyone that it's my birthday as loud as she could. Then there was lunch and oh boy can she be a sneaky little devil, we had just sat down to eat and she was telling me she forgot her phone in the car (yeah, right) so I gave her the keys and she comes back sits down, and tells me I might want to move that box next to me before somebody trips over it. I has no idea where it cam from and she had this "I'm innocent look" on her face. She kept bugging me to open it. I was trying to wait until after I had finished my lunch but nope I had to open it then. She had made me a knotted UGA fleece blanket that had two different sides. One had Harry dawg on it, the Arches, and the Older UGA bulldog on it, the other side is my favorite, it has the UGA "G" on it printed in an Argyle style. So we've finished eating and I knew she was going to do something yet again and she did I couldn't walk fast enough. She started singing happy birthday to me as we walked out of Zaxby's. Gin is a one of a kind gal!

Daisy

2009-06-01T17:03:00.000-07:00

Daisy is my one year old beagle. She's a pain and a joy to have all at once. My baby girl is smart and she cares about everyone even me. The funny part is the way she tells you when she wants to play.

She has this squeaky green Elephant that I named Horton, from Horton hears a Who. When she wants to play she will find her Elephant and bring it to you squeak it and hit you or nudge you with it until you throw it. I can be sitting here typing and she will get the urge to play with the darn thing and then she'll come up to me and hit me with it repeatedly until I finally brake down and throw it for her. The key thing is to throw it far so she will run after it, that way she gets tired faster. She's so funny when it comes to going potty. She goes to the glass door and will rustle the blinds cry a bit and stand there at the corner of the couch where you can see her, and wait for you to get up. If you don't get up or notice her right away she will keep doing it. If you really, really, ignore her she'll do it a few times then she will bark at you and basically say to you I need to go out now let me out of here.

When it comes down to me being sad or crying she's the one who tries to make you feel better. She gives you that big brown puppy dog eyed look, until you can't help but smile. If that doesn't do it though she'll cry and then hop up on your lap, try to climb up your chest and hug you. It's really cute when she does it, and really sweet. She's a cuddle monkey that girl. She loves to cuddle. Whenever she sleeps in the bed she has to sleep right next to you, and not only that but she has to sleep under the covers most of the time. She's fun to play with and she loves everyone, and if you forget to fill her bowl with water she'll try and climb the counter to get some, or sit there and cry until you fill her bowl. I guess that's all about my Beagle Baby for now, I'm sure there will me more stories about her to come.

Airframers and the amusment we find in the simple things #2

2009-06-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

This is only the second installment of many stories that I'm sure I will wind up passing along, due to the insane things or strange things that my co-workers and I find ourselves doing.

So, to start my story here's the setting, myself and 3 other co-workers or shipmates for those who understand Navy lingo, we were out on one of our aircraft's checking the lead and lag of a rotor blade to see if there was a dampener leaking. Well, when we do that we have this large strap that we throw over the blade then one or two people will pull on the strap while one is up on the top of the aircraft looking at the dampener while the people on the ground are pulling. As we began to walk back to our shop one of the guys begins rolling up the strap and the other one picks up the other end. Then out of no where one of the guys tells the other chick were working with to jump in. They started swinging the strap like it was a jump rope. She runs up to it and the guys falter. They couldn't even get it up over her head, it was funny to see and then the guys were saying it would be funny to go and ask one of our Chiefs to join in. They jokingly ask him, and he declines saying they should get another strap and make it double dutch then he might decide to jump in.

It goes to show you that we really are a strange bunch and that we can find anything out there to entertain ourselves with. That and the fact that even as adults we still tend to do things that were fun to us as kids. Jump roping and laughing.

Recylce

2009-05-26T16:25:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to touch on this subject for a while, I just haven't done it until now. I really believe that we should try and recycle what we can, believe it or not it does reduce the amount of waist that we go through and it is cost reducing if you re use something that you already have instead of trying to make it from scratch all over again. My reasoning for this is I look at where I work and I see how much waist we go through. We have what we call a Geedunk, that's Navy talk for candy. It has more than that like, chips, soda, water, cough drops, aspirin, coffee, oatmeal, and lots of other stuff. Well, when you're going there what seems like thirteen million times a day to get a water or a soda, and when you're done with it what do you do? Throw it away in the trash can. There's more that you can do with that if you or we would actually make an effort to recycle. We waste so much where I work and it doesn't seem to phase anyone that we can actually reduce the amount that were throwing away. Also, we have shredders that eat up lots of paper and what do we do when it's full....throw it in the trash instead of trying to recycle. If we actually could put forth and effort we could have a tremendous effect on the environment and a lot of other stuff. I know that I'm probably preaching to the Choir here but take the time and go the extra step to help the earth and reduce the amount of waist that we go through, if we don't do it who else is going to? The little green men from Mars? If there is such a thing! So come on get up don't throw that plastic bottle in the trash set it aside and recycle it.

Airframers and the amusment we find in the simple things

2009-05-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

Airframers are a special breed of NAVY worker bees. We are hard working, strong, and best of all amused by the little things. Primary example is how they guys I work with began entertaining themselves with foam from a part. They first began by throwing the the foam around the shop and trying to hit people with the foam, then they progressed to trying to stick their heads through the cut out in the foam. It was amusing to watch them do that, but the thing is don't let the guys anywhere near tape or zip ties or else you will have your hands zip tied behind your back and possibly have yourself tapped to a chair. Then if they get tired of throwing around just plain old foam they might find the tape. Then they will take the tape and wrap the foam up into a foam tape ball and throw it around the room. Sometimes the amusing part is just sitting inside the helicopter swapping sea stories back and forth. But then again it's also funny when someone finds out they have advanced to the next paygrade and their told to go stand in the corner, all the while that person is standing there trying not to laugh with you. Why oh why are we they way we are? We are a strange bunch of people so strange that some have been known to swing from the rafters and act like a monkey...seriously...others will just cut you off when you're talking and tell you to shut up, well even when you're not saying anything they will do it. Go figure at the strangeness.

Understanding...or not

2009-05-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you need someone to understand or many someones to understand they don't. They may or may not try. The only person that would know if they did or did not would be them. My friends, well most, with the exception of two don't seem to really understand why I do what I do. Friends are there to support you and be there for you through the bad times, it doesn't mean that they agree with what you are doing. Most of my friends don't understand why I still love Him, or why I still want to be with him. First of all they are not us, so therefore they don't understand what is between us or what we have talked about on a one on one bases, and second of all they may not have the devotion and patience and possibly the love that I posses. I'm the type of person that doesn't give up or doesn't want t0 give up. I don't do the bashing of the one that has hurt me and I'm not putting my life on hold. My friends seem to think that I'm putting my life on hold for Him, and I'm not. I will see other people if the occasion arises, but it will only be to fill the void. I don't want to be with any other person at this moment and I don't know when or if I will want to. But it's my decision to make, and I appreciate their concern, I just need them to understand that it's my decision to make and I'll make the one that suites me the best. Love is not a light switch, you can't turn it off and on at a moments notice.

Short comings and having it pointed out to you over and over again

2009-05-06T11:42:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I really don't get some people and their actions. I don't understand why people say they want to help when in all actuality they just want to do what they always do. Point and laugh at you. You can try your best and the moment you don't pass and don't fail there their to say that you failed that you don't know what you're doing. They point it out to you and it feels like someone is cutting you deep, the old rubbing salt into your wounds deal. It sucks, it makes me want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I don't like people knowing my business, mainly because the moment something happens there are a what feels like a million people there to point it out to you over and over again. I came very close to hitting someone today, and I'm not like that at all. But when someone repeatedly calls you a failure and has been there calling you such for years you reach the end of the rope, and all you want is for them to leave you alone and stop pointing out my faults. I don't know why it's always the nice people that get the short end of the stick. It's like you can never win no matter how hard you try. Makes you want to disappear, you try and you try and then you try again but you didn't make it the last time. Are they so insecure in their own body they have to make you feel even more insecure in yours? I just want to be left alone, I want people to quit harassing me and saying bad things about me, but that will never happen. I can say it all I want and it does nothing. It takes a lot to get me to the point where if you don't shut up I will turn around a slug you as hard as I can! I'm so tired of being the one that gets picked on that people just seem to hate, I don't get it, what did I ever do to them to deserve that? I hate failing and even when I don't fail but don't pass I feel like I failed and then when other people point it out to me and make fun of me and try to say stuff about me, I just want to run hide, cry and scream. I can't take much more, it's driving me insane to have people know my business and my short comings, I try my best and it's never any good, I'm an extremely private person and when you know my business and you shout it to the world it makes we want to leave and never come back. I'm so done with the stupid people I work with I want to go IA or somewhere where their not. I just want and need to go away for a little while, they wont miss me and they don't need me so why should I waste my time trying? They do fine with out me so send me someplace where someone will need me to help somewhere new where I can start over new, with no one there to point out my mistakes and short comings every chance they get.

Not ok...

2009-04-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not ok, and I can pretend all I want that I am but I know that I'm not. I don't want anyone to see me or know how hurt I really am. I don't know what to do, I'm at a loss and very very frustrated. Sometimes when I think of the great times we had together I wonder why and how we got here to this point. I don't understand it I really don't and talking about it doesn't even help it just makes me even more frustrated because I can't do anything about it, not matter how hard I try I can't. I'm so hurt no one can understand and I really don't want advice form people, I just don't know what to do. I think now about how his friends must be really happy that he's gotten rid of me and his family too. His family never even met me and is probably glad that were no longer together. He meant so much to me and I can't even tell him, it's like we never meant anything to each other, and I almost wish I had never met him, never fallen in love with him, never seen him again. I can say again and again how confused and I don't understand how this happened, but it doesn't do anything. I loved him so much, and I just want to understand this, I want to know what I should do, but no one can tell me that. Part of me just wants to hurt him so bad for hurting me to understand how I feel. He's always been the one I could talk to and now I can't even talk to him. The other part wants to just put him in box and forget, I just want to forget everything so I don't have to feel this way. I want to send everything he ever gave me back to him, hurt him. But I really don't want to, I just want to understand, I just want to talk to him and I NEVER GOING TO GET THAT!!!! I'm so tired, I'm tired of talking about it and I'm tired of thinking, I miss him though and I just wish I had never met him.

Curve ball

2009-04-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

Just when you think that things can't get anymore complicated than they already are, you get thrown a curve ball. So, my curve ball comes from one of my friends. Naturally. This is the one friend that I haven't talked to that much in months. Probably due to the fact that he had a girl-friend, I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. My phone goes off at 3:30 this morning and I'm hoping that it's my guy, but in the back of my mind I know it's not before I even look at the phone. There's only one person I know of that will text me that early in the morning. He starts off saying he's not in a mood right now. Naturally I'm a little confused, I know he doesn't accidentally text me anything. Then the other one said that he needed someone to talk to. Well at that point I'm awake so I bite, I asked him what's up, and he goes on to say that he's told his girl-friend to leave to go back to her parents house, and that he's really worried about going IA and not seeing his son for a year. Mostly he doesn't want his son to grow up with out a father. I told him he wasn't dead, so he's not going to grow up without him. He just has to go away for a little while then he gets to come back and be with him. He tells me that I understand him, and I've been the only one that he has trusted with a lot of things and he just needs to talk to me. His girl just doesn't understand and is no help to him. He said he moved back to the other side of the river for a reason he doesn't know but he missed having me near. Go figure ya know! He says he wants to be next to me, he needs someone to hold. I'm a little taken aback by what he says, I can't believe this is coming from him of all people. Then he said he liked having me there before, and it's just something for me to know. We continue to talk for a little while longer until I ask if he really needs to talk to someone in person, and if so I'll come get him, since he didn't want to drive. We meet at ihop and talk for another hour or so, then we came back to my house and crashed. It was nice I'll admit to have someone in the house with me, but it's just not the same as with Him. Being with Might Mouse is incredible, I love it when he would hold me close, the sound of his breathing, and just knowing that he was beside me was an incredible feeling. I'm very devoted to that man, and I'm not ready to give up, or to give it all up without a second glance. He's the love of my life, and I'm nothing without him. I don't know what I'm going to do about my curve ball, I'm not with and I'm not without my guy. The only thing I know to do is to be a friend and that's all, that's all I can be. I will just keep looking for Orion, maybe he'll help us find each other again.

Never knowing the right thing to do.

2009-04-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I never know what the right thing to do is. As far as trying to work things out without seeming pushy or crazy. I tend to over analyze, and fret about what I've written or said. Did I do the right thing my telling him why I deleted him? Did I do the right thing by emailing him to talk about it a little more in depth? That's one of the many things I get so irritated with about myself. There are times when I'm the strong one, and can fight for what I want, but then there are those times when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then the other half of the time I get absorbed in worrying about the future I loose the present, and add to the sabotaging of my relationship with the love of my life. As I was sitting there talking to my friend Minnie last night, she told me to be strong and had faith that we could still work through things and remain together. She was right last time, so I trust her judgment. But, as we were talking about what had happened, and why, I told her about the myspace bashing, and how I think a part of us loosing ourselves was due to the fact that his friends were in the house. Now, that may not seem like a real problem, but when you're doing the guy a favor by letting him stay there because he's gotten in trouble and your place is only 5 min from base versus 30 min, and you still try to talk to your girlfriend that's a thousand miles away, and talk to her normally it gets a little tough in my opinion. They guy and his girl were only going to be there for a week or so to watch after his place while he went to Texas at the end of February, well a week turned into about a month. It got harder and harder to talk to him when he wasn't alone or in his room. He would be out in the house talking to me then he would be in the same room, and the guy and his girl would begin to talk to him, then he would try and talk to them to answer whatever they were saying. There were times when I had to ask for him to call me back because it was hard to understand who he was talking to or what he was talking about. Then he would go out to eat with them and call me, and still try and talk to them. I would get so frustrated, because it's hard enough to have one conversation over the phone, but to try and have 3 conversations while on the phone gets a little tough. Yes, I would get a little aggravated but with all due cause. I think that when you have guest invited or over extended guests it can cause problems with anyone. Things were good before they came and stayed, then things got more difficult. I don't know if I'm right or not. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot.

Hurting of the heart and the pain of myspace

2009-04-12T15:34:00.000-07:00

How do you go on when your heart has been broken into a million little pieces? Where do you find the strength to go on after so long? I have been in love with the most increadable man for the past five years of my life. I met him when I went out on my first six month gulf deployment. He was waiting on divorce papers, and I was just trying to get by. We began to talk to each other more and hang out on occasion and go to dinner on the mess decks. Before we knew it, we had fallen for each other, then again before we knew it the divorce papers had changed her mind, so he did the honnorable thing and tried to work things out, and stay for the sake of his son. We remained close friends and talked when we could. There was a period of absolutly no communication between us until recently, when I decided to email him just to say happy birthday. A few months after that communication between us began to increase and we were like two pees in a pod again. Talking, laughing and having a lot of fun with each other. Then finally one day he writes to tell me that he's made his desicion, he was going to get divorced. Seperate for now, then file the papers when he got back off deployment. I couldn't believe it after all the years of seeing other people and never having the same feeling that I had with him, and after him wanting to be with me for as long we were finally going to have our opportunity. Things were great for us they really were. We got to see each other for the fist time in years and it was an amazing time. Being able to be with him and fall asleep next to him, was the most amazing thing in the world to me. He had told me he wanted to marry me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me being happy and loving me. He even called me the his future wife. Then from out of no where (or at least to me) things changed. He's telling me we weren't meant to be, that he met someone and only knew them for 25 minutes and he felt something different for them that he'd never felt for me. That hurt more than you know, more than anyone could fathom. The man you love, the one you had planned to marry telling you it's over before it's even had a chance to really bolossom. We agreed to start over and take a step back, but I didn't anticipate my words to him comming back to haunt me in the form of his friends attacking me on myspace. All of a sudden the own your friends application isn't that fun anymore becuase the man you love, his message on own your friends reads that his female friend thinks he shouldn't be owned by a crazy b****. Then today it was changed again to his female friend and her husband jumping on the band wagon of calling me that. I deleted him, and it hurt, I took his picture off my computer and it hurt worse. I don't like the way I feel at the moment, I never thought I would be attacked on myspace like that or be hurt in this way by people who don't even know me. I feel like a zombie, I'm just trying to go on day by day, all the while hurting and not understanding what happened, why after five years of wanting to be with a person you throw it away in a matter of hours for no real reason. You can say it's because I was acting like the ex or because I got mad at something stupid you did and you got mad at me for something i did. To me your friends or our friends need to stay out of our relationship and let it be just us. They shouldn't bee the big influence on what happens or what you do, they should be there to give advice and support but not to attack. I'm walking around a former version of myself. I feel numb, confused, and really hurt. I never wanted to shut him out of my life, but I think I may just have to do that. I have loved him for so long and he's be my best friend through out everything, it's going to be hard not having him again. The funniest thing is, after everything I still love him and I still miss him.