Feelings of failure

I hate failing. Especially when I try.

It gets to me when I fail, I don't like being a failure or the feeling or failing a test. I know I lack self confidence and maybe something else too. But I try hard and when I've taken my time looked up the answers and thought that I understood what the question asked and still I get it wrong. That's the lowest feeling on earth for me, besides rejection. I always failed when I was in school and I would always get grounded until I pulled my grades up. That and I would have to listen to Moms disappointment and embarrassment that she has a child that was failing English, the subject she taught.

Meteorology is not my cup of tea. I'm trying hard to understand the curriculum and what is being taught, and I really thought that I had gotten this section of the book about clouds and frost, but I didn't. I hate myself right now. I know it's not the end of the world, but to me it is. I try hard to get good grades, and I do the exact opposite of what I did when I was a kid. I actually turn off the TV so I wont have that as a distraction. the only noise that's going is the dryer, and the a/c blowing.

I'm not sure what I can do besides study more. I'm really trying to get focused in my classes right now. I'm very overwhelmed at the moment, and it just doesn't seem like the sun is going to come out any minute. I'm also trying to find a job and do my best to not spend as much money as I did before I got out. On one hand I save more because I'm not driving back and forth to Mayport all week, and therefore having to buy gas at least once a week. That's a savings of at least 50 dollars a week, but groceries...I do my best to spend 50 my budget was 75 but my goal is to always spend less to save more. The down side is 50 dollars doesn't buy much these days. My question is when is going to change for me? When are my efforts in school really going to pay off, and when am I going to feel like I don't fail every weekly test that is given in meteorology. I'm a deans list student now, and failure is just not an option for me. That's probably the one good thing the military teaches you is the fact that failure is not an option, you have to do your best every time to succeed, that's the only way that you can succeed is by trying your damnedest, and that's what I'm doing. It just....sucks...no matter what, it just sucks.

I hate the feeling of failure

The Lime Light...

For me, being in the lime light is not a good thing. Well, it is but it isn't. Most people love the spotlight and enjoy the attention that they get. NOT ME!

I'm probably one of those rare people who do not like having anything focused on them for more than just a few minutes.

The reason for that is because the moment something good like that happens, and the moment after that when you make a mistake...there are a gazillion fingers pointing at you, criticizing, and basically saying you failed, you didn't deserve to have that good thing happen to you. You're a failure.

That then leads to the embarrassment of forgetting something as simple as not remembering to check to make the air was turned on, having to ask for help, and being looked down upon because you had to ask.

Humiliation and embarrassment at failing and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability is not the most pleasant of feelings, I don't enjoy feeling that way at all.

I'm very lost at this moment. I'm lost in a lot of things, and I don't know which way to go, I need help and be show they way out, but I guess I will have to struggle a little longer in order to claw my way out. Let's just hope I survive.

Trying and epicly, seemingly, failing

There's a saying that goes; You try, you fail, you try again.....

Then why is it that I am seemingly failing at every turn? Is it me or is it my surroundings?

That's the question I ask myself on a daily bases...there used to be so many aspects of my job that I liked, but they have fallen by the way side recently.

There were so many good, great, and even better day's at my last command. But then again, there were bad days too. The thing is, the bad didn't out weigh the good, and everyone around there had your back no matter what. We were a family. We worked together, we lived together, we drank together, and yes, we even fought together. But that's what happens when you spend a majority of your day with the people you work with, that's the way you become.

To me, now...I work in a hostel unhealthy, chauvinistic driven environment. I have no leadership what so ever and it's very frustrating. I've been in for almost 8 years now, and this is the worst I have ever seen. You know that it's bad when the people that write you up don't have the full story, don't care if they do or don't there the buddy of your LPO, they go out and drink with them, and party with them and get away with EVERYTHING!!!

No matter how hard you try to do your job well, at some point you wind up failing.

I don't like that at all...I don't think people should aide in your failing, they should help you succeed, but they don't. I'm running on thin ice, no matter what I don't know what to do besides keep trying. The thing is, I'm tired of failing at trying. Everyone has a breaking point, and I get shoved towards mine on a daily bases.

When do you or when do I throw in the towel? When is enough, enough? Why is it that I tend to be "The one" the one who gets blamed, the one who seemingly finds herself in trouble...no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to succeed.