Wonder

Sometimes I wonder.

I wonder why things have happened the way they have.

Wonder why after all the time it took Mighty Mouse and I to be together, why in the blink of an eye, he was gone. With out even a fight or a second glance.

I most often wonder how he is, and if he misses me as much as I miss him. I'm glad to know when he's coming home. Excited for him so he gets to go home and see his kids. And of course Brinkley the Sheltie. They are all cute, the kids and the dog that is.

Then the other times I wonder, why did I ever develop something for an idiotic Curve Ball? The guy hasn't a clue. He's been my friend for years and we've been close the past few years. I've been there for him through his divorce, through the pregnancy of my best friend and room mate, through breaking up with his ex girl-friend (who was a bit on the loony side) and most recently through his DUI and MAJOR possibility of being separated from the Navy.

He has no clue...neither do I, I'll admit. I don't know why I feel for him. Maybe it's because I have such a big heart or maybe it's because he's just filling in the void.

I recently found out that he asked his current girl-friend to marry him, naturally she said yes. He even got his son to help out with it. I think it's the most ridiculous thing he's done YET!! Granted that's my OPINION, but it's still an opinion. I don't feel like they belong together. They haven't even been together very long and all of a sudden he thinks "Oh maybe I should marry her, she wont leave me, or nag me" I think though he's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

My OPINION is he's doing it to save face in court when he goes in for his DUI charges, and also because his former best friend and ex-wife are getting married. So he wants to get back at her by doing the same. I don't know though.

But the reason why I wonder so much is because I'm invited to Vegas, well BEGGED, I decide to come, and then I'm lied to WTF? I don't get it I wonder what's going through his small little pee brain...granted I never wanted a relationship but I did want a chance. A chance that no once seems to give me. They just give up and walk away, don't even try, just give up.

I wonder why he doesn't or didn't see our connection. I know I'm in love with Mighty Mouse, and he's the absolute one and only mouse for me! =) But why do I like someone else? I understand your going to be attracted to other people, but why this idiot? It hurt to hear that Curve Ball had asked that famous question we all long to hear, but not as much as hearing that Mighty Mouse thought we weren't meant to be after all these years...I don't know...

I don't know what to think or what to do. Fighting is what I can do, I just don't know if it'll work...for either one...I just want to have my Mighty Mouse home with me and Daisy.

Fear

Fear is a gripping, non physical, emotional being that takes hold of us when we least expect it. It holds us down and keeps us hidden safe and sound inside our thin outer shells.

Fear is one of those things that shoves your head under the water and holds it there forever, expecting you to breath while your under. Never knowing that if you could you would, so you suffocate. You suffocate on fear.

For me fear holds me back from a things here and there. Especially when it concerns me and something that involves me.

I'm not generally afraid of many things, just emotional issues. I fear the answers I will get, and I fear being hurt.

Fear is also one of THOSE, that holds us back or knocks us down, expecting us to get down and stay down and not try and conquer over it.

I fear telling Mighty Mouse that I love him still, and that no matter what I just want to be with him. I fear telling Curve Ball that I enjoy hanging out with him, and spending time with him. I fear telling both of them that I'm an incredible person and if there not smart they will miss something tremendously wonderful (and it's not often that I toot my own horn like that).

Sometimes I fear that I'll never see Mighty Mouse again and that just kills me, sometimes I wish I could let him or tell him to read what I write here because this is all me with no hold backs, a lot of honesty and full emotional input.

But then again there's that fear thing coming back again, and it tells me not too because I don't know the out come of it. I'm one of those "WHY?" people. I tend to ask why a lot because I fear the unknown. Basically I'm a big 'ol freakin' scaredy cat.

How do we overcome fear? How do I face my fears, and face my fears alone? Once again there's that alone thing, and here's the fear that goes with it...I fear living the rest of my life alone, with no one to really share my life with. I was almost there, almost done with that fear, when everything came crashing down around me.

Fear is what holds me back from telling the people I care about how I really feel. I don't want to jeopardize my friendships or relationships with them, so I don't say a thing, and I watch them be happy, as I drive away wondering when it will be my turn.

Lone

I'm alone. I don't like it much, and it gets rather depressing at times, just sitting here watching TV or playing Mario Brothers by myself. But I don't think there's much I can do about it.

I'm a people person. Unlike some people in my family I do enjoy being around people. Granted, just like everyone I like my alone time too, but I've had enough of that to last me a long while.

Is it so much to ask for to have someone special in my life? I'm 25 for God sakes, and I'm a FREAKIN 'LONE! I don't know what the hell has gone so wrong that the people just give up on me with out even really trying. That's what I feel like at least. I feel like people give up on me before I or we've even had a chance at anything real.

I miss having someone there at night to talk to and share my thoughts with. With Mighty Mouse and I not talking much and him being out on the boat, I find myself missing him more and more. Although he would never know it. The few days that we spent together were some of the best.

Having someone to hold me close at night is something I miss as much as his voice and presence. Is it so much to ask for to have someone do that? Sometimes it hurts to see people so happy when I'm not. It hurts me to see people that have significant others so happy and here I am with no one.

What can I do, besides sit here and wait? I have no clue, I can't even tell Curve ball that I like spending time with him no matter how annoying or loud he gets. He also has a girl-friend, but that's hasn't stopped us from hanging out before, but now that he's back in town it is different.

I hate being alone.