I know it has been a while since I have taken the time to write down my thoughts here for everyone to read. The semester previous to my current semester was a doozy. I had four classes that lasted for at least four hours or more each day but Friday. That was the most classes I had since I started at Gainesville College in 2002. Yes, it has been that long.
Currently I am unemployed. My plan A has not worked well since I can not go into the reserves with an open disability claim, and my claim still is not finished. At first being able to sit back and not have to worry so much about getting up or being late was nice, then the more I thought about, and the more that time passed the more I began to realize and fret more about not having more than just my BAH to help support me.
It's tough, very unpleasant, and I'm not even collecting unemployment. It's also getting to my favorite shopping season, and I have no money to shop either for myself or for my friends and family. My Mom was kind enough to let me buy some things on our credit card the other day, I really need winter clothes, I don't have that substantial of a wardrobe these days.
I went to the Georgia vs. Florida game on Saturday, and once again I was reminded of how much I want to go to the University. When we won and the players were running to the band and celebrating with the students, I just thought to myself that "I want to be a part of that." It's always been my desire to go to UGA ever since I was six and I went to my first football game. I'm almost done at Embry-Riddle, and I don't know what is next after I finish this summer.
Mom will possibly be shocked by my admission of the fact that, the thought of returning home has been running through my brain the last couple of days. Maybe it would be easier to return to Georgia after all, not that I don't love living in Jax, it's just if I want to go to UGA then somethings going to have to give. I don't know if it's a smart thing to do after all my hometown is not the brightest crayon in the box. But, I would be closer to family and my sister. Apparently our father has been driving her up the wall lately. Gee, why does that not surprise me?
Another thing is one again I'm just feeling a bit frustrated and sorry for myself. Not only because I've yet to successfully procure a job, but I still have no significant other. It's still just me and the dog, and everyone is always saying "oh you'll find someone" or "just be patient," frankly I'm just tired. I still believe that it's just going to be me and the dog for here on out. Sometimes when you're the kind of person that wants to share so much but has no one to share with, it just sucks. It would be nice to have someone to share my burden with right now, going it alone has taken a lot out of me.
I have so many thoughts and also fears, but that's just the way things go. I guess you could say or ask when is my luck going to change for the better?
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Fear again
I know I have talked about fear before, and the fact that it is the one thing that wants to shove your head under water and keep in there, while you do all you can to push up and grasp a tiny breath. In my life, i have a lot of fear. Why? I'm not entirely sure, in my honest opinion, i have beliefs but that may or may not be why.
What brings this topic up again is Zelda. Zelda has just recently been divorced from her husband of two years. Of those two years that they were married, I would say only about nine months to a year were actually spend co-habitating. They had been living together before they were married when they were both stationed in Virginia, but when the got married she was stationed here in Jax, and he was still up in VA. It is sad to say the it was doomed from the beginning.
Zelda has (in my opinion) had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that her marriage had ended or was ending. The whole time they were separated she kept wearing her ring, and she was already seeing someone else. Most people would have said that they were already divorced or separated and may or may not have worn there ring, such as she did. She has always felt throughout everything that she was still married. But that is her attitude towards her situation.
Although she has moved on and found a wonderful man who adores her and has waited for her, and would go to the ends of the earth for her, she is a little afraid. I don't blame her, I mean I would be too. As much as they both want a life together, they have spent the past six months apart. Zelda is back in Texas, and Ducky (sa copine) is in Virginia. She has gotten into a routine down there and she's afraid that everything that she felt for him might not still be there.
We had a nice long talk about that. It is a little scary when you are away from your significant other for such a long period of time, and after a while you have a routine without them, so when you think about including them in your routine again, it's a bit scary. You don't know what will happen when they are included into the routine again, but unless you let go of the tree and walk out on that limb, you'll never know what could have been. Don't let fear win! The moment it has won, it will do all it can to keep you from ever coming back up again.
I told Zelda that she should trust her feelings and not the fear. She would like to get married and have kids as much as Ducky does, but she's afraid. Mainly because of the ex-hubby. I told her to not only trust what he has said to her, look at his actions. Ducky does his best to include her into the major decisions of his life. He's currently looking for orders, and asked her where he thinks "they" should go. He want to go over seas, but she said she can't follow him overseas because they are not married yet, and she keeps putting it off.
Zelda has admitted that she's afraid, but then again I told her to think of his (Ducky's) parents, they talk to you and adore you and already consider you family. Did the ex-hubby family do that? Mmm, his brother and maybe a few others, but not his Mom. That woman, did not like Zelda at all. And when she asked his mom for help during their difficult time, she ignored her and blew her off, believing that her son would never put his hands on a woman.
Zelda thanked me for being "enlightening" I hoe she was sincere, I believer her to be but I'm unsure of most everything. Sometimes, it takes an outsider to talk to you and with you, so you can get a better perspective on how things could be. Sometimes that person winds up being one of your best friends that does what they can for you, and even if you yell at them, they are still there to back you up.
I'm not sure what Zelda will do. It breaks my heart to think she doubts what she feels. I told her that they are the perfect match for each other because they do their best to communicate and include each other in their daily lives. We both agreed that never happened with the ex. It was always what he wanted to do, and not what they wanted to do. Relationships have to be a give and take. One person can't give all and the other person can't take all. Some relationships do that, but then where do they end up?
I'm hoping that by talking to her and being their to listen as well as dish out my opinion as we have always done, that I have helped her in some way. The man she is in love with is a great big 'ol teddy bear, he was raised by some great parents, and raised by a military father, which in my opinion again, has helped shape him into the kind and generous man that he is. I consider Ducky my brother. He became part of my extended family when Zelda brought him to movie night one night, because he was the new guy in the shop. I consider him as on of the girls, and a great friend to have. I look forward to the day that he and Zelda finally get married. Once that happens, and the ducklings start to come, they will truly be the most deliriously happy people I know.
What brings this topic up again is Zelda. Zelda has just recently been divorced from her husband of two years. Of those two years that they were married, I would say only about nine months to a year were actually spend co-habitating. They had been living together before they were married when they were both stationed in Virginia, but when the got married she was stationed here in Jax, and he was still up in VA. It is sad to say the it was doomed from the beginning.
Zelda has (in my opinion) had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that her marriage had ended or was ending. The whole time they were separated she kept wearing her ring, and she was already seeing someone else. Most people would have said that they were already divorced or separated and may or may not have worn there ring, such as she did. She has always felt throughout everything that she was still married. But that is her attitude towards her situation.
Although she has moved on and found a wonderful man who adores her and has waited for her, and would go to the ends of the earth for her, she is a little afraid. I don't blame her, I mean I would be too. As much as they both want a life together, they have spent the past six months apart. Zelda is back in Texas, and Ducky (sa copine) is in Virginia. She has gotten into a routine down there and she's afraid that everything that she felt for him might not still be there.
We had a nice long talk about that. It is a little scary when you are away from your significant other for such a long period of time, and after a while you have a routine without them, so when you think about including them in your routine again, it's a bit scary. You don't know what will happen when they are included into the routine again, but unless you let go of the tree and walk out on that limb, you'll never know what could have been. Don't let fear win! The moment it has won, it will do all it can to keep you from ever coming back up again.
I told Zelda that she should trust her feelings and not the fear. She would like to get married and have kids as much as Ducky does, but she's afraid. Mainly because of the ex-hubby. I told her to not only trust what he has said to her, look at his actions. Ducky does his best to include her into the major decisions of his life. He's currently looking for orders, and asked her where he thinks "they" should go. He want to go over seas, but she said she can't follow him overseas because they are not married yet, and she keeps putting it off.
Zelda has admitted that she's afraid, but then again I told her to think of his (Ducky's) parents, they talk to you and adore you and already consider you family. Did the ex-hubby family do that? Mmm, his brother and maybe a few others, but not his Mom. That woman, did not like Zelda at all. And when she asked his mom for help during their difficult time, she ignored her and blew her off, believing that her son would never put his hands on a woman.
Zelda thanked me for being "enlightening" I hoe she was sincere, I believer her to be but I'm unsure of most everything. Sometimes, it takes an outsider to talk to you and with you, so you can get a better perspective on how things could be. Sometimes that person winds up being one of your best friends that does what they can for you, and even if you yell at them, they are still there to back you up.
I'm not sure what Zelda will do. It breaks my heart to think she doubts what she feels. I told her that they are the perfect match for each other because they do their best to communicate and include each other in their daily lives. We both agreed that never happened with the ex. It was always what he wanted to do, and not what they wanted to do. Relationships have to be a give and take. One person can't give all and the other person can't take all. Some relationships do that, but then where do they end up?
I'm hoping that by talking to her and being their to listen as well as dish out my opinion as we have always done, that I have helped her in some way. The man she is in love with is a great big 'ol teddy bear, he was raised by some great parents, and raised by a military father, which in my opinion again, has helped shape him into the kind and generous man that he is. I consider Ducky my brother. He became part of my extended family when Zelda brought him to movie night one night, because he was the new guy in the shop. I consider him as on of the girls, and a great friend to have. I look forward to the day that he and Zelda finally get married. Once that happens, and the ducklings start to come, they will truly be the most deliriously happy people I know.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Going out on a limb...
There come ls a point in life, as well as love and relationships that you have to go out on a limb.
And by going out on a limb I mean, putting yourself out there. Thats a tough thing to do, and many people are afraid of what that limb will get them into. I admit it, I'm a great big 'ol chicken! I'm afraid to go back out on that limb. The past time I put myself out there I got burned pretty badly.
My friend Quagmire is one of those as well. I saw how his girl-friend hurt him when she cheated on him, got pregnant and them said it was his. He's seen how divorce has hurt those around him and he doesn't want to go through that, so he puts up a wall so that no one can see what really lies beneath. The rare glimpses that I get behind the wall, I like the man that's there.
Its been a while since I was in a relationship and now a days the idea scares the hell out of me. Especially when I want to date someone I'm really good friends with. I don't want it to end badly if we ever get past the fear or the what if's.
I guess you could say the hardest part is that first step.
I put a wall up too, I'm just a scared a nervous, I don't want to find myself back at square one again. I do my best to live in the present and not to dwell on the last one that was, it drives me nuts!
How do you overcome your own fear of being rejected as well as your beaux's fear of a true relationship?
And by going out on a limb I mean, putting yourself out there. Thats a tough thing to do, and many people are afraid of what that limb will get them into. I admit it, I'm a great big 'ol chicken! I'm afraid to go back out on that limb. The past time I put myself out there I got burned pretty badly.
My friend Quagmire is one of those as well. I saw how his girl-friend hurt him when she cheated on him, got pregnant and them said it was his. He's seen how divorce has hurt those around him and he doesn't want to go through that, so he puts up a wall so that no one can see what really lies beneath. The rare glimpses that I get behind the wall, I like the man that's there.
Its been a while since I was in a relationship and now a days the idea scares the hell out of me. Especially when I want to date someone I'm really good friends with. I don't want it to end badly if we ever get past the fear or the what if's.
I guess you could say the hardest part is that first step.
I put a wall up too, I'm just a scared a nervous, I don't want to find myself back at square one again. I do my best to live in the present and not to dwell on the last one that was, it drives me nuts!
How do you overcome your own fear of being rejected as well as your beaux's fear of a true relationship?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Fear
Fear is a gripping, non physical, emotional being that takes hold of us when we least expect it. It holds us down and keeps us hidden safe and sound inside our thin outer shells.
Fear is one of those things that shoves your head under the water and holds it there forever, expecting you to breath while your under. Never knowing that if you could you would, so you suffocate. You suffocate on fear.
For me fear holds me back from a things here and there. Especially when it concerns me and something that involves me.
I'm not generally afraid of many things, just emotional issues. I fear the answers I will get, and I fear being hurt.
Fear is also one of THOSE, that holds us back or knocks us down, expecting us to get down and stay down and not try and conquer over it.
I fear telling Mighty Mouse that I love him still, and that no matter what I just want to be with him. I fear telling Curve Ball that I enjoy hanging out with him, and spending time with him. I fear telling both of them that I'm an incredible person and if there not smart they will miss something tremendously wonderful (and it's not often that I toot my own horn like that).
Sometimes I fear that I'll never see Mighty Mouse again and that just kills me, sometimes I wish I could let him or tell him to read what I write here because this is all me with no hold backs, a lot of honesty and full emotional input.
But then again there's that fear thing coming back again, and it tells me not too because I don't know the out come of it. I'm one of those "WHY?" people. I tend to ask why a lot because I fear the unknown. Basically I'm a big 'ol freakin' scaredy cat.
How do we overcome fear? How do I face my fears, and face my fears alone? Once again there's that alone thing, and here's the fear that goes with it...I fear living the rest of my life alone, with no one to really share my life with. I was almost there, almost done with that fear, when everything came crashing down around me.
Fear is what holds me back from telling the people I care about how I really feel. I don't want to jeopardize my friendships or relationships with them, so I don't say a thing, and I watch them be happy, as I drive away wondering when it will be my turn.
Fear is one of those things that shoves your head under the water and holds it there forever, expecting you to breath while your under. Never knowing that if you could you would, so you suffocate. You suffocate on fear.
For me fear holds me back from a things here and there. Especially when it concerns me and something that involves me.
I'm not generally afraid of many things, just emotional issues. I fear the answers I will get, and I fear being hurt.
Fear is also one of THOSE, that holds us back or knocks us down, expecting us to get down and stay down and not try and conquer over it.
I fear telling Mighty Mouse that I love him still, and that no matter what I just want to be with him. I fear telling Curve Ball that I enjoy hanging out with him, and spending time with him. I fear telling both of them that I'm an incredible person and if there not smart they will miss something tremendously wonderful (and it's not often that I toot my own horn like that).
Sometimes I fear that I'll never see Mighty Mouse again and that just kills me, sometimes I wish I could let him or tell him to read what I write here because this is all me with no hold backs, a lot of honesty and full emotional input.
But then again there's that fear thing coming back again, and it tells me not too because I don't know the out come of it. I'm one of those "WHY?" people. I tend to ask why a lot because I fear the unknown. Basically I'm a big 'ol freakin' scaredy cat.
How do we overcome fear? How do I face my fears, and face my fears alone? Once again there's that alone thing, and here's the fear that goes with it...I fear living the rest of my life alone, with no one to really share my life with. I was almost there, almost done with that fear, when everything came crashing down around me.
Fear is what holds me back from telling the people I care about how I really feel. I don't want to jeopardize my friendships or relationships with them, so I don't say a thing, and I watch them be happy, as I drive away wondering when it will be my turn.
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