I know it has been a while since I have taken the time to write down my thoughts here for everyone to read. The semester previous to my current semester was a doozy. I had four classes that lasted for at least four hours or more each day but Friday. That was the most classes I had since I started at Gainesville College in 2002. Yes, it has been that long.
Currently I am unemployed. My plan A has not worked well since I can not go into the reserves with an open disability claim, and my claim still is not finished. At first being able to sit back and not have to worry so much about getting up or being late was nice, then the more I thought about, and the more that time passed the more I began to realize and fret more about not having more than just my BAH to help support me.
It's tough, very unpleasant, and I'm not even collecting unemployment. It's also getting to my favorite shopping season, and I have no money to shop either for myself or for my friends and family. My Mom was kind enough to let me buy some things on our credit card the other day, I really need winter clothes, I don't have that substantial of a wardrobe these days.
I went to the Georgia vs. Florida game on Saturday, and once again I was reminded of how much I want to go to the University. When we won and the players were running to the band and celebrating with the students, I just thought to myself that "I want to be a part of that." It's always been my desire to go to UGA ever since I was six and I went to my first football game. I'm almost done at Embry-Riddle, and I don't know what is next after I finish this summer.
Mom will possibly be shocked by my admission of the fact that, the thought of returning home has been running through my brain the last couple of days. Maybe it would be easier to return to Georgia after all, not that I don't love living in Jax, it's just if I want to go to UGA then somethings going to have to give. I don't know if it's a smart thing to do after all my hometown is not the brightest crayon in the box. But, I would be closer to family and my sister. Apparently our father has been driving her up the wall lately. Gee, why does that not surprise me?
Another thing is one again I'm just feeling a bit frustrated and sorry for myself. Not only because I've yet to successfully procure a job, but I still have no significant other. It's still just me and the dog, and everyone is always saying "oh you'll find someone" or "just be patient," frankly I'm just tired. I still believe that it's just going to be me and the dog for here on out. Sometimes when you're the kind of person that wants to share so much but has no one to share with, it just sucks. It would be nice to have someone to share my burden with right now, going it alone has taken a lot out of me.
I have so many thoughts and also fears, but that's just the way things go. I guess you could say or ask when is my luck going to change for the better?
Showing posts with label UGA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label UGA. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
The beginning
There's no real way to start from the beginning, when you don't know what the beginning is.
All my life I have been surrounded by books. My Mom had a huge book shelf that her Dad, whom the grand-kids called Papa Chet, had built. It was a massive thing, but it held so many books, inludng some of my own. My Nanny (Moms, Mom) had a lot of books too, I rember all the different kinds of books and pictures. On top she had glasses that she collected on her many cruises.
I remember when I was little when we would go to the Piggly Wiggly, they alwas had these certain Disney books, Mom would usually try and get me one that I didn't already have. When we would get home I think I couldn't wait for bed time so she would read me my new book. There's one I still remember, it's vague but it was about Cinderlla and her ugly step sister, the book was pink, with Cinderella, Anastasia, and Drucilla on the cover looking in a mirror.
When I was six I started getting two or three books a week from something called Weekly reader. Funny thing is, I toted my weekly reader bag full of books to my first UGA football game.
I guess you could say, I was destined to love books. I have two bok cases right now, and one is completely filled, and the other is getting there. Whenever I was on the boat I would go through at least two or three a month. When your on the boat, there's not that much to do at night, so I would just lie in my rack and read. Mom would usually and me two or three for me if I couldn't get access to the Internet to buy own. Sometimes after I was finished with my books I would send them back to home to Mom.
I also had accumulated a lot of books when I lived I'm the barracks. When I first got to Jacksonville I had no clue what to expect, so for the first few months I lived there I had no tv unless I went to the common room. The number one priority when I first got to jax was to find a mall so I could find a book store and an American Eagle. That's also how I discovered my love of target, I had nothing else to do and didn't really know anyone, so I would just peruse the shelves of target.
All my life I have been surrounded by books. My Mom had a huge book shelf that her Dad, whom the grand-kids called Papa Chet, had built. It was a massive thing, but it held so many books, inludng some of my own. My Nanny (Moms, Mom) had a lot of books too, I rember all the different kinds of books and pictures. On top she had glasses that she collected on her many cruises.
I remember when I was little when we would go to the Piggly Wiggly, they alwas had these certain Disney books, Mom would usually try and get me one that I didn't already have. When we would get home I think I couldn't wait for bed time so she would read me my new book. There's one I still remember, it's vague but it was about Cinderlla and her ugly step sister, the book was pink, with Cinderella, Anastasia, and Drucilla on the cover looking in a mirror.
When I was six I started getting two or three books a week from something called Weekly reader. Funny thing is, I toted my weekly reader bag full of books to my first UGA football game.
I guess you could say, I was destined to love books. I have two bok cases right now, and one is completely filled, and the other is getting there. Whenever I was on the boat I would go through at least two or three a month. When your on the boat, there's not that much to do at night, so I would just lie in my rack and read. Mom would usually and me two or three for me if I couldn't get access to the Internet to buy own. Sometimes after I was finished with my books I would send them back to home to Mom.
I also had accumulated a lot of books when I lived I'm the barracks. When I first got to Jacksonville I had no clue what to expect, so for the first few months I lived there I had no tv unless I went to the common room. The number one priority when I first got to jax was to find a mall so I could find a book store and an American Eagle. That's also how I discovered my love of target, I had nothing else to do and didn't really know anyone, so I would just peruse the shelves of target.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
For Mom
This is for my Mom...
My Mom is a very special lady, who has by some miracle raised me. It's not to say that we haven't had out moments where we were both mad at each other, but that comes with life, and parents. For years my Mom left herself in a position of being in an unhappy marriage, one that I believe she entered into and stayed just to give me a father figure, since mine had no clue what being one meant and still doesn't really get it either, we would later find out that dude #2 was a MAJOR A HOLE.
I don't blame her, never have. I just wish she had the strength to leave sooner than we did, but she will say the exact same thing. It is my opinion, that with age comes not only wisdome but strength. Sometimes it can take a cataclysmic event to help one change their mind. My Mom has been both Mom and Dad for me, doing the best she could. She would even help me with homework albeit when I didn't ask, and didn't want help because I'd rather struggle than ask...I don't know why, still that way today though...through lot's of arguments and frustrating sobs, she helped me no matter what.
Mom still helps me out when I need it, for some strange reason I tend to call her if not every day then at least more than once, sometimes if I was bored at work I would send her multiple emails just to spell out one word, just to make her laugh and possibly improve her day. I don't know where I would be without her support. When I joined the Navy she was there, even when I blindsided her with my decsion. She has been with me every step of the way on most major decisons I've made, even when I decided to buy my house.
Theres a lot to be learned from out parents, some will teach us strength, and some may not teach us anyhting. Mom's main goal was NOT to be like her Mom. Mostly we don't know what we have learned from out parents until it's either to late, or were smart enough to stop, think, and remeber what all has been done for us. I believe my Mom learned from her Mom, what not to do. I've heard stories from my Nanny and her sister that growing up for them was not plesant, in fact one of my Aunts told me that she never remebered her Mom telling her she loved her, and she was never hugged. My Nanny remebers being six years old and her Mom sobbing into her hair as she brushed it "what did I do to deserve this?"
My mother had a very different upbringing than me too. She grew up the youngest of five kids, that's probably why she is as smart as she is, she was always there when her siblings were doing their homework. She lost one of her brothers when she was only a teenager, sometimes I think that along with Nanny's upbringing is why she is as bitter as she is these days. Then again it could be that she was in two bad marrages...why does that seem to be the family trait? Find a husband, have kids, oh wait husband's a douche, find a new Mister, then this one is a MAJOR A-HOLE, get rid of that one, THEN they find the right one. Makes me wonder sometimes.
Mom gave me all she could when I was growing up, sometimes I think I had WAY to much STUFF! I loved Barbie and stuffed animals, so naturally I had a gazillion of each. I remember before Christmas one year going into the closet in the guest bedroom looking for something, and my Barbie dream boat was in there. Mom quicley shooed me out of the room, even though I had seen the boat, it did not even register on my brain until well after Christmas was over and done.
When I was six Mom took me to my very first UGA football game. I remeber being so excited, and I wanted to see the band, so Mom and I walked over to the bridge where the bad marches in underneath for the pre-game show. Mom and I also laugh about that game because if we hadn't gone that way we would have had to walk all the way up the steps from the hedeges, verses down just a few. Lucky us!
No matter how frustated with Mom I've gotten she's always been there for me. I've done some not so nice things and hurt her feelings before, but there were times when I thought I was doing the right thing and keeping here away. We learn from our mistakes and move on. That's all you can do in life is learn from the past, just not to live in the past.
Mom was there for the dance recitles, t-ball games, and the ever embarrasing parent teacher confrences...she was never easy to deal with those days. I still do a bit of tip-toeing around my Mom, beacuse I don't want to say something to make her mad at me, and therfore never hear the end of, yes we still have those moments, there not great but it's just a part of the relationship. I wouldn't trade my Mom for anything, sometimes I really think she does to much for me, and sometimes I think she should leave me high and dry but she always says that's her job, she's a Mom.
Needless to say Mom, but thank you for everything, even if I don't say it and sometimes I take things for granted I appreciate what you do, sometimes I just wish I understood as much as you do, but that's what makes me, Me!
My Mom is a very special lady, who has by some miracle raised me. It's not to say that we haven't had out moments where we were both mad at each other, but that comes with life, and parents. For years my Mom left herself in a position of being in an unhappy marriage, one that I believe she entered into and stayed just to give me a father figure, since mine had no clue what being one meant and still doesn't really get it either, we would later find out that dude #2 was a MAJOR A HOLE.
I don't blame her, never have. I just wish she had the strength to leave sooner than we did, but she will say the exact same thing. It is my opinion, that with age comes not only wisdome but strength. Sometimes it can take a cataclysmic event to help one change their mind. My Mom has been both Mom and Dad for me, doing the best she could. She would even help me with homework albeit when I didn't ask, and didn't want help because I'd rather struggle than ask...I don't know why, still that way today though...through lot's of arguments and frustrating sobs, she helped me no matter what.
Mom still helps me out when I need it, for some strange reason I tend to call her if not every day then at least more than once, sometimes if I was bored at work I would send her multiple emails just to spell out one word, just to make her laugh and possibly improve her day. I don't know where I would be without her support. When I joined the Navy she was there, even when I blindsided her with my decsion. She has been with me every step of the way on most major decisons I've made, even when I decided to buy my house.
Theres a lot to be learned from out parents, some will teach us strength, and some may not teach us anyhting. Mom's main goal was NOT to be like her Mom. Mostly we don't know what we have learned from out parents until it's either to late, or were smart enough to stop, think, and remeber what all has been done for us. I believe my Mom learned from her Mom, what not to do. I've heard stories from my Nanny and her sister that growing up for them was not plesant, in fact one of my Aunts told me that she never remebered her Mom telling her she loved her, and she was never hugged. My Nanny remebers being six years old and her Mom sobbing into her hair as she brushed it "what did I do to deserve this?"
My mother had a very different upbringing than me too. She grew up the youngest of five kids, that's probably why she is as smart as she is, she was always there when her siblings were doing their homework. She lost one of her brothers when she was only a teenager, sometimes I think that along with Nanny's upbringing is why she is as bitter as she is these days. Then again it could be that she was in two bad marrages...why does that seem to be the family trait? Find a husband, have kids, oh wait husband's a douche, find a new Mister, then this one is a MAJOR A-HOLE, get rid of that one, THEN they find the right one. Makes me wonder sometimes.
Mom gave me all she could when I was growing up, sometimes I think I had WAY to much STUFF! I loved Barbie and stuffed animals, so naturally I had a gazillion of each. I remember before Christmas one year going into the closet in the guest bedroom looking for something, and my Barbie dream boat was in there. Mom quicley shooed me out of the room, even though I had seen the boat, it did not even register on my brain until well after Christmas was over and done.
When I was six Mom took me to my very first UGA football game. I remeber being so excited, and I wanted to see the band, so Mom and I walked over to the bridge where the bad marches in underneath for the pre-game show. Mom and I also laugh about that game because if we hadn't gone that way we would have had to walk all the way up the steps from the hedeges, verses down just a few. Lucky us!
No matter how frustated with Mom I've gotten she's always been there for me. I've done some not so nice things and hurt her feelings before, but there were times when I thought I was doing the right thing and keeping here away. We learn from our mistakes and move on. That's all you can do in life is learn from the past, just not to live in the past.
Mom was there for the dance recitles, t-ball games, and the ever embarrasing parent teacher confrences...she was never easy to deal with those days. I still do a bit of tip-toeing around my Mom, beacuse I don't want to say something to make her mad at me, and therfore never hear the end of, yes we still have those moments, there not great but it's just a part of the relationship. I wouldn't trade my Mom for anything, sometimes I really think she does to much for me, and sometimes I think she should leave me high and dry but she always says that's her job, she's a Mom.
Needless to say Mom, but thank you for everything, even if I don't say it and sometimes I take things for granted I appreciate what you do, sometimes I just wish I understood as much as you do, but that's what makes me, Me!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Navy life wonderings
Lately, I've been wondering more and more about whether or not I can make it the rest of my time in the Navy. Or if I'm even cut out to do my job.
After all, enough is enough.
It's hard for me. The hardest it's been in the past 6 years. Granted my last command drove me up the wall, but I never felt stupid. I had a lot of respect from my co-workers, and I didn't second guess myself as much as I do now.
The main reason it's so hard for me is because I'm not as up to par with my co-workers. They have the advantage of always been in the shop, always worked in their rate. Me? Ha! In the last 7 years this is what I've done.
After all, enough is enough.
It's hard for me. The hardest it's been in the past 6 years. Granted my last command drove me up the wall, but I never felt stupid. I had a lot of respect from my co-workers, and I didn't second guess myself as much as I do now.
The main reason it's so hard for me is because I'm not as up to par with my co-workers. They have the advantage of always been in the shop, always worked in their rate. Me? Ha! In the last 7 years this is what I've done.
- Worked in 1st LT for a year
- Went TAD on the boat for 6 months during my first deployment
- Spent 2 years in the Line Shack
- Worked 2 years in Corrosion
Then when I got to my shop at my current command I spent about 3 months or so actually working in my rate before I had to take a break from it and work on training on the computer.
I've only been working "Hard Core" Airframes stuff for the past couple of months. I'm trying, but it's not going very well. People talk to me like I'm stupid, treat me with no respect, and act like they should be given the respect they don't show me.
Mostly I don't get it! Why is it so hard for me to understand? Am I really not cut out to do this job after all? Maybe it's just the fact that I've never actually worked in my rate for very long, or it could be I just don't have very good leaders as far as supervisors go.
It stresses me out, and makes me feel like crap. I try to make myself feel better by remind myself that I haven't been doing this as long as they have, but at least I'm trying. Or at least I THINK I'm trying...it's eventually gotta come down to me becoming def to them or to something. It's a hard decision to make when you know there's something better out there as far as the Navy goes, but you can't get there because someone wasn't paying attention to your career and you got screwed out of orders to a new command by three months.
Granted that I was paying attention but I didn't know there was some new rule that came out and moved it back by three months. SO I'm stuck in hell for another year...WHAT-A-DRAG!!!
The scary part would be getting out and not knowing what the hell I was going to do for a job, or school for that matter. I don't know WHAT I WANT TO BE!!! I don't know if I could teach like my mom, or if I would even want to.
I've wanted to go the University of Georgia for most of my life, and I want to much to get there, I just don't know how or when I will get there.
It does bother me A LOT that I don't know my job as well as others do and I feel rather incompetent doing it sometimes, and all I want is to be good at what I do and UNDERSTAND! But the biggest thing is, how do you learn or understand if there's no one their willing to take the time and teach you?
Another thing is, I don't like it when people yell at me in front of others. If you have a problem with me or with something I did, come to me, don't announce it to the whole shop or shops. That's just wrong, and it's considered throwing someone under the bus. Secondly I'm a very private person and you yelling at me and talking down to me in front of an audience, is considered a violation of my privacy. I don't want the whole world knowing about my mistakes. Granted, I'm human and I will make mistakes and I accept that, but why can't other people accept the fact that there are better ways to talk to people in order to get what you want.
I know that being nice all the time isn't going to get you what you want, but talking down to someone and yelling at them like their stupid isn't either.
My question is: How do I leave the Navy and be able to financially support myself? Is it something that I can do, is it something I really want, or is it just a way for me to feel some sort of relief?
I don't know what to do next...
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