There come ls a point in life, as well as love and relationships that you have to go out on a limb.
And by going out on a limb I mean, putting yourself out there. Thats a tough thing to do, and many people are afraid of what that limb will get them into. I admit it, I'm a great big 'ol chicken! I'm afraid to go back out on that limb. The past time I put myself out there I got burned pretty badly.
My friend Quagmire is one of those as well. I saw how his girl-friend hurt him when she cheated on him, got pregnant and them said it was his. He's seen how divorce has hurt those around him and he doesn't want to go through that, so he puts up a wall so that no one can see what really lies beneath. The rare glimpses that I get behind the wall, I like the man that's there.
Its been a while since I was in a relationship and now a days the idea scares the hell out of me. Especially when I want to date someone I'm really good friends with. I don't want it to end badly if we ever get past the fear or the what if's.
I guess you could say the hardest part is that first step.
I put a wall up too, I'm just a scared a nervous, I don't want to find myself back at square one again. I do my best to live in the present and not to dwell on the last one that was, it drives me nuts!
How do you overcome your own fear of being rejected as well as your beaux's fear of a true relationship?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Math
I don't know what it is, but sometimes I get it and other times....I just DON'T!
Seriously! Can someone please tell me why the hell I don't get it!
I can do stuff on the homework and I do my best to carefully copy down the problems and work them out until their right, but then when it comes to the test, it's all Greek to me.
Math has never been my stong suit, this time around eventhough I get it, sometimes I think it has everything to do with my teacher and the lack of actual teaching that he does. I've never critized a teacher harsher than I have this dude, and my teacher from Aviation Law.
All my teacher did in Avi Law did was read from the book, jump around, talk about foot-ball, and then it was time to leave, class over. My math teacher just...doesn't get it!!!
I swear the dude is dilousinal when it comes to our class and our abilities. I understand there is a lesson plan that must be followed, but I think it can be adjusted to the needs of the calss. Not every calss is the same, let alone people.
I have never enjoyed failing, to me failing isn't an option. This is not like high school where you can go to summer school if you don't pass, this is the real world. I'm trying my damdest and nothing seems to be going my way.
Faling is something I did before I had a clue, it is not something as an adult that I want to have on my record, or my mind. I try and try and try again, I don't want to give up. I'm just not sure of what more I can do!
Class is almost over and I will be estatic when 1. I pass my class with at least and hopefully a B and 2.When I'm absolutely and completly finished with that calss and that teacher, I NEVER should have taken this calss with this teacher, it's obvious that I did not learn my lesson the first time around.
Some help would be aprreciated!
Seriously! Can someone please tell me why the hell I don't get it!
I can do stuff on the homework and I do my best to carefully copy down the problems and work them out until their right, but then when it comes to the test, it's all Greek to me.
Math has never been my stong suit, this time around eventhough I get it, sometimes I think it has everything to do with my teacher and the lack of actual teaching that he does. I've never critized a teacher harsher than I have this dude, and my teacher from Aviation Law.
All my teacher did in Avi Law did was read from the book, jump around, talk about foot-ball, and then it was time to leave, class over. My math teacher just...doesn't get it!!!
I swear the dude is dilousinal when it comes to our class and our abilities. I understand there is a lesson plan that must be followed, but I think it can be adjusted to the needs of the calss. Not every calss is the same, let alone people.
I have never enjoyed failing, to me failing isn't an option. This is not like high school where you can go to summer school if you don't pass, this is the real world. I'm trying my damdest and nothing seems to be going my way.
Faling is something I did before I had a clue, it is not something as an adult that I want to have on my record, or my mind. I try and try and try again, I don't want to give up. I'm just not sure of what more I can do!
Class is almost over and I will be estatic when 1. I pass my class with at least and hopefully a B and 2.When I'm absolutely and completly finished with that calss and that teacher, I NEVER should have taken this calss with this teacher, it's obvious that I did not learn my lesson the first time around.
Some help would be aprreciated!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Lime Light...
For me, being in the lime light is not a good thing. Well, it is but it isn't. Most people love the spotlight and enjoy the attention that they get. NOT ME!
I'm probably one of those rare people who do not like having anything focused on them for more than just a few minutes.
The reason for that is because the moment something good like that happens, and the moment after that when you make a mistake...there are a gazillion fingers pointing at you, criticizing, and basically saying you failed, you didn't deserve to have that good thing happen to you. You're a failure.
That then leads to the embarrassment of forgetting something as simple as not remembering to check to make the air was turned on, having to ask for help, and being looked down upon because you had to ask.
Humiliation and embarrassment at failing and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability is not the most pleasant of feelings, I don't enjoy feeling that way at all.
I'm very lost at this moment. I'm lost in a lot of things, and I don't know which way to go, I need help and be show they way out, but I guess I will have to struggle a little longer in order to claw my way out. Let's just hope I survive.
I'm probably one of those rare people who do not like having anything focused on them for more than just a few minutes.
The reason for that is because the moment something good like that happens, and the moment after that when you make a mistake...there are a gazillion fingers pointing at you, criticizing, and basically saying you failed, you didn't deserve to have that good thing happen to you. You're a failure.
That then leads to the embarrassment of forgetting something as simple as not remembering to check to make the air was turned on, having to ask for help, and being looked down upon because you had to ask.
Humiliation and embarrassment at failing and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability is not the most pleasant of feelings, I don't enjoy feeling that way at all.
I'm very lost at this moment. I'm lost in a lot of things, and I don't know which way to go, I need help and be show they way out, but I guess I will have to struggle a little longer in order to claw my way out. Let's just hope I survive.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Facing the music
Strike up the band, and tell the "Fat Lady" to start warming up her vocals, because I think I'm dunzo...
I don't foresee my life getting any better, I mean it's not bad but it's not complete. Personally...I think I'm never going to truly get what I want from life. It's an understood fact that life is complicated and you don't always get what you want, but have you ever wanted to say "enough is enough, I deserve to have a something I want out of life?"
I'm in my mid 20's and I just don't feel as if I will ever get married, have a kid, you know, the whole nine yards. For a moment in time I thought I had it, and then...it was gone.
My career is coming to an end I just don't know on whose terms is going to be on, mine or theirs.
Politics, mean spirited, no leadership skills type people are trying my nerves to the point where I just...I just...I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say ef it, I'm done I'm done with it all. I hate feeling like an idiot, and forgetting things in a sequence. i don't mean to forget things but I do, a fair amount.
When people leave me hangin' and aide in me feeling like a complete ass, it makes me want to scream. That feeling is the worse one in the world, it ranks right up their with heart break with me. It's enough of a feeling to make me want to crawl in a hole and disappear, and the other half of it, is it makes my face turn and embarrassing shade of red. I think out of shame and humiliation, that sometimes when I don't want to mess up and make a mistake...I do.
Seriously, I'm wondering what else I will be hit with in the remainder of the year...this sucks...I'm tired of failing, and tired of when ever it seems that something good is going to happen, BOOM...a black cloud descends and rains it all away.
Facing the music is ridiculous, absurd, and just a pain...eventually I'll learn that everyone else in the world gets to have the life I want. A marriage, and a family...that's something I'll never have, and eventually I'll realize that.
I don't foresee my life getting any better, I mean it's not bad but it's not complete. Personally...I think I'm never going to truly get what I want from life. It's an understood fact that life is complicated and you don't always get what you want, but have you ever wanted to say "enough is enough, I deserve to have a something I want out of life?"
I'm in my mid 20's and I just don't feel as if I will ever get married, have a kid, you know, the whole nine yards. For a moment in time I thought I had it, and then...it was gone.
My career is coming to an end I just don't know on whose terms is going to be on, mine or theirs.
Politics, mean spirited, no leadership skills type people are trying my nerves to the point where I just...I just...I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say ef it, I'm done I'm done with it all. I hate feeling like an idiot, and forgetting things in a sequence. i don't mean to forget things but I do, a fair amount.
When people leave me hangin' and aide in me feeling like a complete ass, it makes me want to scream. That feeling is the worse one in the world, it ranks right up their with heart break with me. It's enough of a feeling to make me want to crawl in a hole and disappear, and the other half of it, is it makes my face turn and embarrassing shade of red. I think out of shame and humiliation, that sometimes when I don't want to mess up and make a mistake...I do.
Seriously, I'm wondering what else I will be hit with in the remainder of the year...this sucks...I'm tired of failing, and tired of when ever it seems that something good is going to happen, BOOM...a black cloud descends and rains it all away.
Facing the music is ridiculous, absurd, and just a pain...eventually I'll learn that everyone else in the world gets to have the life I want. A marriage, and a family...that's something I'll never have, and eventually I'll realize that.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Trying and epicly, seemingly, failing
There's a saying that goes; You try, you fail, you try again.....
Then why is it that I am seemingly failing at every turn? Is it me or is it my surroundings?
That's the question I ask myself on a daily bases...there used to be so many aspects of my job that I liked, but they have fallen by the way side recently.
There were so many good, great, and even better day's at my last command. But then again, there were bad days too. The thing is, the bad didn't out weigh the good, and everyone around there had your back no matter what. We were a family. We worked together, we lived together, we drank together, and yes, we even fought together. But that's what happens when you spend a majority of your day with the people you work with, that's the way you become.
To me, now...I work in a hostel unhealthy, chauvinistic driven environment. I have no leadership what so ever and it's very frustrating. I've been in for almost 8 years now, and this is the worst I have ever seen. You know that it's bad when the people that write you up don't have the full story, don't care if they do or don't there the buddy of your LPO, they go out and drink with them, and party with them and get away with EVERYTHING!!!
No matter how hard you try to do your job well, at some point you wind up failing.
I don't like that at all...I don't think people should aide in your failing, they should help you succeed, but they don't. I'm running on thin ice, no matter what I don't know what to do besides keep trying. The thing is, I'm tired of failing at trying. Everyone has a breaking point, and I get shoved towards mine on a daily bases.
When do you or when do I throw in the towel? When is enough, enough? Why is it that I tend to be "The one" the one who gets blamed, the one who seemingly finds herself in trouble...no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to succeed.
Then why is it that I am seemingly failing at every turn? Is it me or is it my surroundings?
That's the question I ask myself on a daily bases...there used to be so many aspects of my job that I liked, but they have fallen by the way side recently.
There were so many good, great, and even better day's at my last command. But then again, there were bad days too. The thing is, the bad didn't out weigh the good, and everyone around there had your back no matter what. We were a family. We worked together, we lived together, we drank together, and yes, we even fought together. But that's what happens when you spend a majority of your day with the people you work with, that's the way you become.
To me, now...I work in a hostel unhealthy, chauvinistic driven environment. I have no leadership what so ever and it's very frustrating. I've been in for almost 8 years now, and this is the worst I have ever seen. You know that it's bad when the people that write you up don't have the full story, don't care if they do or don't there the buddy of your LPO, they go out and drink with them, and party with them and get away with EVERYTHING!!!
No matter how hard you try to do your job well, at some point you wind up failing.
I don't like that at all...I don't think people should aide in your failing, they should help you succeed, but they don't. I'm running on thin ice, no matter what I don't know what to do besides keep trying. The thing is, I'm tired of failing at trying. Everyone has a breaking point, and I get shoved towards mine on a daily bases.
When do you or when do I throw in the towel? When is enough, enough? Why is it that I tend to be "The one" the one who gets blamed, the one who seemingly finds herself in trouble...no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to succeed.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Blame game
Q:Have you ever been afraid to go to work?
My answer: Yes, I have.
You might be wondering why on earth someone would be afraid or fear going to work...well I'll explain.
I work with a bunch of adolescent, juvenile males...who think they are quite possibly gods in their own right. I work with a couple of females too one's not so bad the other gets on my last nerve, but that's besides the point. These males that I work with are not the most cooperative of people and a few are not even good leaders and they have been into a leadership position.
Still you're wondering, Why is she afraid?
I'm afraid of what they will blame on my next on how much trouble I will be in because I'm not there to defend myself, nor is their anyone else in that shop that will defend me. If something is not going the way it's supposed to, they do their best to find an escape goat...so therefore I'm it.
I went on vacation, a real vacation to me for two weeks, and I knew something would go wrong while I was gone and I would pay the price...I was right.
I'm not perfect by any means, and I don't pretend to be. I do my best to my job to the best of my ability but lately it's become to much and I want out. My program at work that I'm in charge of is training. That's monitoring at least 25 peoples qualifications and doing my best to stay on top of it but it's more difficult than people realize.
The people I work with are very critical of pretty much anything I do. I've been accused of being critical too, but I've never made someone feel as if they don't matter or that their just a walking piece of crap. My good friend Red says it should be "water off a ducks back" it's getting there but it still makes me so mad, that no matter how hard I try, to them I always seem to fail.
When I went to work in the morning I was already dreading it, maybe you could say I brought the animosity on to myself with the dread of going to work. The moment I walked into the shop and tried to start getting my "ducks in a row" I got bitched at and blamed.
They had already blamed me for causing them to work Saturday, and criticized me for trying to get my alternate his multiple views in our training program temporally taken away, so that he couldn't go in there and delete some of his qualifications. Maybe I was in the wrong, but the girl in maint admin who threw me under the bus, well let's just say I will not be talking to her any time soon...she should've learned her lesson the first time she threw someone under the bus.
When our extremely annoying jack-ass of a second class that likes to THINK he's a LEADER came in he automatically started b!*&^ing me out...why I don't understand or know. But he starts yelling at me as if I've done something wrong. Saying that I can't sit in the shop and work on my program anymore, since the girl I can't stand worked on my program for me until 9 one evening...gee how many off duty hours has she ever put in?
I say "No biggie, I can't come in and work on it during the weekend" and he then he gets his panties in an even bigger bunch and yells "it is a big deal, she stayed here 'till 9 one night, you have to work late or something you can't work on it during the day."
Now, who died and made him a Master Chief?
It was all down hill from there although one of my good friend Giggles tried to cheer me up with a fried twinki, and some of his home made gumbo. Which was very good and he said he would make more just for me.
The other part of the blame game was they were saying that the stuff they needed to scan in (which I'm still wondering what they needed to scan since we had everything scanned in already) was at my house. I'm still a little confused at who started THAT one, considering the binder that has all the paperwork was in the cabinet above my desk. Makes you wonder did they even TRY to LOOK!?!?
When I came in I had looked for my binder because I had other things to put in there but it wasn't on my desk, and when I asked Princesses (the girl I can't stand) that's when I was informed for the second time that day that I had the binder at my house...because that's what someone said...honestly does anyone look anymore? All I had to do was move some binder's around in the cabinet above my desk and there it was, granted not where I had left it, but it was still in the shop...
Nothing will appease these angry gods who have a really big stick up their butts. I hate going to work because I just know I'll get in trouble for something or another...I'm afraid of getting in trouble for stupid stuff that I have no control over. Mountains out of mole hills has lost it's appeal.
I've got less than a year left and I want out of that hostel environment out the shop and out of the command.
My answer: Yes, I have.
You might be wondering why on earth someone would be afraid or fear going to work...well I'll explain.
I work with a bunch of adolescent, juvenile males...who think they are quite possibly gods in their own right. I work with a couple of females too one's not so bad the other gets on my last nerve, but that's besides the point. These males that I work with are not the most cooperative of people and a few are not even good leaders and they have been into a leadership position.
Still you're wondering, Why is she afraid?
I'm afraid of what they will blame on my next on how much trouble I will be in because I'm not there to defend myself, nor is their anyone else in that shop that will defend me. If something is not going the way it's supposed to, they do their best to find an escape goat...so therefore I'm it.
I went on vacation, a real vacation to me for two weeks, and I knew something would go wrong while I was gone and I would pay the price...I was right.
I'm not perfect by any means, and I don't pretend to be. I do my best to my job to the best of my ability but lately it's become to much and I want out. My program at work that I'm in charge of is training. That's monitoring at least 25 peoples qualifications and doing my best to stay on top of it but it's more difficult than people realize.
The people I work with are very critical of pretty much anything I do. I've been accused of being critical too, but I've never made someone feel as if they don't matter or that their just a walking piece of crap. My good friend Red says it should be "water off a ducks back" it's getting there but it still makes me so mad, that no matter how hard I try, to them I always seem to fail.
When I went to work in the morning I was already dreading it, maybe you could say I brought the animosity on to myself with the dread of going to work. The moment I walked into the shop and tried to start getting my "ducks in a row" I got bitched at and blamed.
They had already blamed me for causing them to work Saturday, and criticized me for trying to get my alternate his multiple views in our training program temporally taken away, so that he couldn't go in there and delete some of his qualifications. Maybe I was in the wrong, but the girl in maint admin who threw me under the bus, well let's just say I will not be talking to her any time soon...she should've learned her lesson the first time she threw someone under the bus.
When our extremely annoying jack-ass of a second class that likes to THINK he's a LEADER came in he automatically started b!*&^ing me out...why I don't understand or know. But he starts yelling at me as if I've done something wrong. Saying that I can't sit in the shop and work on my program anymore, since the girl I can't stand worked on my program for me until 9 one evening...gee how many off duty hours has she ever put in?
I say "No biggie, I can't come in and work on it during the weekend" and he then he gets his panties in an even bigger bunch and yells "it is a big deal, she stayed here 'till 9 one night, you have to work late or something you can't work on it during the day."
Now, who died and made him a Master Chief?
It was all down hill from there although one of my good friend Giggles tried to cheer me up with a fried twinki, and some of his home made gumbo. Which was very good and he said he would make more just for me.
The other part of the blame game was they were saying that the stuff they needed to scan in (which I'm still wondering what they needed to scan since we had everything scanned in already) was at my house. I'm still a little confused at who started THAT one, considering the binder that has all the paperwork was in the cabinet above my desk. Makes you wonder did they even TRY to LOOK!?!?
When I came in I had looked for my binder because I had other things to put in there but it wasn't on my desk, and when I asked Princesses (the girl I can't stand) that's when I was informed for the second time that day that I had the binder at my house...because that's what someone said...honestly does anyone look anymore? All I had to do was move some binder's around in the cabinet above my desk and there it was, granted not where I had left it, but it was still in the shop...
Nothing will appease these angry gods who have a really big stick up their butts. I hate going to work because I just know I'll get in trouble for something or another...I'm afraid of getting in trouble for stupid stuff that I have no control over. Mountains out of mole hills has lost it's appeal.
I've got less than a year left and I want out of that hostel environment out the shop and out of the command.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
California and work bullshavick
I've been here in California for the past couple of day's and it's been a really great visit, it's going to be sad to go home and leave here.
I've been staying with my Cousin Gouzetta and her husband, he's stationed here in San Diego. Where they live, it's so beautiful! They live in an area that is surrounded by mountains and it's such a breathtaking view and it is such a big difference as far as heat goes too. I'm from the South and I live in Florida so I am very much used to the extreme humidity and tipple digit temperatures. I get here and it's COOL!!! I can't believe the difference but it's really nice.
Were going to go to Hollywood tomorrow, and I'm very excited! I've always wanted to go, not only that but were also going to Madame Tussuad's Wax Museum, and there they have many celebrities but the one I want to see the most is Vivien Lee as Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind...she's wearing the green drapes dress, oh I can't wait.
The only down side to being here besides missing my baby girl Daisy is WORK! It's not that I miss work, I really don't miss work, that's why I took time off. It's the fact that no matter where I go I can't escape work, people I work with, and being blamed for something beyond my control.
It is such an aggravation getting a call at 1230 in the morning to answer a question. They have no respect for me and no respect for time either.
It's not cool to go on to my Facebook and see that I'm being blamed and harassed because they think it's my fault that they have to work the weekend, when I know that it is because there are numerous programs that need to be worked on and we don't have the time to work on them during the work day, so sadly when that happens before a big inspection we have to go into work.
When you go onto someones Facebook and post something like that on their wall for everyone to see, that's when and where I draw the line. My Facebook is there for me and my friends to talk to each other and keep in touch, it's not there for SOME people who think their still in high school to pull stupid stunts like that. Granted, I know they don't care but I deleted these people from my account, granted that one already had and saved me the trouble, but still.
Sometime I really don't get it. I don't get why people act the way they do, not only that but why the act a certain way towards certain people. What is it that drives them to do that? I guess that's a question that will forever be unanswered. It's also another reason why I want to get out. People have told me time and time again don't let this place determine your future in the Navy considering that I did that before, this time it's different. I'm done, and I really don't care anymore. I've tried to do everything right but I've failed. My command failed me, and so has the Navy.
I'm not sure of what else to say besides I'm done. I'm done being a victim if that's what I am, and I'm done being the punching bag slash escape goat. It's a little sad but I'm ready for a new adventure, I'm ready for my life to really begin.
I've been staying with my Cousin Gouzetta and her husband, he's stationed here in San Diego. Where they live, it's so beautiful! They live in an area that is surrounded by mountains and it's such a breathtaking view and it is such a big difference as far as heat goes too. I'm from the South and I live in Florida so I am very much used to the extreme humidity and tipple digit temperatures. I get here and it's COOL!!! I can't believe the difference but it's really nice.
Were going to go to Hollywood tomorrow, and I'm very excited! I've always wanted to go, not only that but were also going to Madame Tussuad's Wax Museum, and there they have many celebrities but the one I want to see the most is Vivien Lee as Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind...she's wearing the green drapes dress, oh I can't wait.
The only down side to being here besides missing my baby girl Daisy is WORK! It's not that I miss work, I really don't miss work, that's why I took time off. It's the fact that no matter where I go I can't escape work, people I work with, and being blamed for something beyond my control.
It is such an aggravation getting a call at 1230 in the morning to answer a question. They have no respect for me and no respect for time either.
It's not cool to go on to my Facebook and see that I'm being blamed and harassed because they think it's my fault that they have to work the weekend, when I know that it is because there are numerous programs that need to be worked on and we don't have the time to work on them during the work day, so sadly when that happens before a big inspection we have to go into work.
When you go onto someones Facebook and post something like that on their wall for everyone to see, that's when and where I draw the line. My Facebook is there for me and my friends to talk to each other and keep in touch, it's not there for SOME people who think their still in high school to pull stupid stunts like that. Granted, I know they don't care but I deleted these people from my account, granted that one already had and saved me the trouble, but still.
Sometime I really don't get it. I don't get why people act the way they do, not only that but why the act a certain way towards certain people. What is it that drives them to do that? I guess that's a question that will forever be unanswered. It's also another reason why I want to get out. People have told me time and time again don't let this place determine your future in the Navy considering that I did that before, this time it's different. I'm done, and I really don't care anymore. I've tried to do everything right but I've failed. My command failed me, and so has the Navy.
I'm not sure of what else to say besides I'm done. I'm done being a victim if that's what I am, and I'm done being the punching bag slash escape goat. It's a little sad but I'm ready for a new adventure, I'm ready for my life to really begin.
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