Chiana

I met Chiana in 2005, she was sitting in the lobby of the barracks where we lived, waiting for a ride to the hanger. Her hair was like most coming from boot-camp; horribly chopped off. She was wearing her "Smurf suit" that is what we call our sweat suits because their blue, and you look like a smurf wearing them, and no one looks their smurfiest.

It took as awhile to become friends, mainly because we didn't surf in the same circles. Sometimes we did, and other times she hung out with the girls that she came to the command with. I'm not sure of the exact time that we actually started hanging out more. I guess maybe I started talking to her in the hanger during one of my many trips back and forth from the flight line. Back then that was a trek, our shop was located outside the hanger right next to the "active flight line" line. The bathrooms were at the entrance of the hanger, so it was a journey.

We have had some incredible journeys together. From boyfriends and babies, to different commands in different states.

I remember when she got pregnant, she was living with me at the time, and hadn't really been at the house long. When she finally told me, I didn't really know what to say...it was not something that was planned...sometimes I still blame myself for not making her go home with me the night she got pregnant, but I was tired, she was drunk, and all I wanted to do was go home and not fight with her about going home. After I told her I supported her no matter what, she finally broke down and told me the reason she hadn't really unpacked her things was because she thought that I would kick her out and make her go back to the barracks. It seems silly now, but back then she didn't really know what I would do. One night I had made cookies, which she loved, and there were some left over for the next day. I get up in the morning and there are NO MORE COOKIES! She had a craving in the middle of the night for them so she ate them. That's why I call her Cookie Monster...she really liked chocolate-chip cookies.

We have done such crazy things like getting one of those old time photo's made in St. Augustine, on one of our many treks down there. The last time she was here we went the the Pirates museum in St. Augie. It was really neat and there was so much to read and see, it was very technological in there.

For the past couple of years she has been in Virginia. I remember when she started picking orders she wanted to stay here in Jax, but she also felt the need to go to VA and be there for her sister, who was raising a baby by herself for the most part. It's not been fun her being up there and me still being here. There are times when I want to hang out with someone, and I want her to be here talking to me and laughing with me but she can't she's in VA.

She is absolutely my bestie, with out her being here for me in those dark times, I don't know what I would've done. She has been there to boost me up when I am down, and keep my secrets. She makes me laugh and some of things she says to me just stay. I really miss having her around, before she left I was teaching her how to cook. She didn't really know then, but I hope the knows more now. It was always fun having her as a sous chef in my kitchen, she made baking and cooking that much more fun.

It is only a few more weeks until I get to see my bestie, and hopefully her boy-friend Jason. I just can't wait for the times that we get to spend more that a few hours together. Mayhem will soon ensue.

Images

You take a picture, you look at the screen, and what do you see?

I know I don't see myself. I don't see myself in some pictures the way I see myself. It gets a little aggravating, and sometimes when their done professionally, I'm REALLY picky about how they look. If I'm not comfortable it shows in my pictures. Sometimes the one that's posing knows if the pose they are doing makes them feel like a dumb ass or not.

Everyone has image issues, some or more pronounced that others, but we all deal with some sort of image issue or another. In today's society it is a sad and common occurrence. Take for example, my evil twin, she thinks she is so hideous, fat, and pail so she constantly feels the need to tan. She is obsessed with tanning, well she's OCD as it is but that's a different story. Oh, and evil twin, she's a 5'3 roughly 130-135 lbs...that's average for her height.

There are times when I really want a candid shot of me to display but then I look at it and I cringe. It will take me several shots just to find the one that I like. Sometimes I wish society would just pull their heads out their butts and realize that not everyone is the same. We are all designed differently, it's in our DNA.

Maybe one day the first picture I take of me will be the one I think shows me the way I see myself.

For Mom

This is for my Mom...

My Mom is a very special lady, who has by some miracle raised me. It's not to say that we haven't had out moments where we were both mad at each other, but that comes with life, and parents. For years my Mom left herself in a position of being in an unhappy marriage, one that I believe she entered into and stayed just to give me a father figure, since mine had no clue what being one meant and still doesn't really get it either, we would later find out that dude #2 was a MAJOR A HOLE.

I don't blame her, never have. I just wish she had the strength to leave sooner than we did, but she will say the exact same thing. It is my opinion, that with age comes not only wisdome but strength. Sometimes it can take a cataclysmic event to help one change their mind. My Mom has been both Mom and Dad for me, doing the best she could. She would even help me with homework albeit when I didn't ask, and didn't want help because I'd rather struggle than ask...I don't know why, still that way today though...through lot's of arguments and frustrating sobs, she helped me no matter what.

Mom still helps me out when I need it, for some strange reason I tend to call her if not every day then at least more than once, sometimes if I was bored at work I would send her multiple emails just to spell out one word, just to make her laugh and possibly improve her day. I don't know where I would be without her support. When I joined the Navy she was there, even when I blindsided her with my decsion. She has been with me every step of the way on most major decisons I've made, even when I decided to buy my house.

Theres a lot to be learned from out parents, some will teach us strength, and some may not teach us anyhting. Mom's main goal was NOT to be like her Mom. Mostly we don't know what we have learned from out parents until it's either to late, or were smart enough to stop, think, and remeber what all has been done for us. I believe my Mom learned from her Mom, what not to do. I've heard stories from my Nanny and her sister that growing up for them was not plesant, in fact one of my Aunts told me that she never remebered her Mom telling her she loved her, and she was never hugged. My Nanny remebers being six years old and her Mom sobbing into her hair as she brushed it "what did I do to deserve this?"

My mother had a very different upbringing than me too. She grew up the youngest of five kids, that's probably why she is as smart as she is, she was always there when her siblings were doing their homework. She lost one of her brothers when she was only a teenager, sometimes I think that along with Nanny's upbringing is why she is as bitter as she is these days. Then again it could be that she was in two bad marrages...why does that seem to be the family trait? Find a husband, have kids, oh wait husband's a douche, find a new Mister, then this one is a MAJOR A-HOLE, get rid of that one, THEN they find the right one. Makes me wonder sometimes.

Mom gave me all she could when I was growing up, sometimes I think I had WAY to much STUFF! I loved Barbie and stuffed animals, so naturally I had a gazillion of each. I remember before Christmas one year going into the closet in the guest bedroom looking for something, and my Barbie dream boat was in there. Mom quicley shooed me out of the room, even though I had seen the boat, it did not even register on my brain until well after Christmas was over and done.

When I was six Mom took me to my very first UGA football game. I remeber being so excited, and I wanted to see the band, so Mom and I walked over to the bridge where the bad marches in underneath for the pre-game show. Mom and I also laugh about that game because if we hadn't gone that way we would have had to walk all the way up the steps from the hedeges, verses down just a few. Lucky us!

No matter how frustated with Mom I've gotten she's always been there for me. I've done some not so nice things and hurt her feelings before, but there were times when I thought I was doing the right thing and keeping here away. We learn from our mistakes and move on. That's all you can do in life is learn from the past, just not to live in the past.

Mom was there for the dance recitles, t-ball games, and the ever embarrasing parent teacher confrences...she was never easy to deal with those days. I still do a bit of tip-toeing around my Mom, beacuse I don't want to say something to make her mad at me, and therfore never hear the end of, yes we still have those moments, there not great but it's just a part of the relationship. I wouldn't trade my Mom for anything, sometimes I really think she does to much for me, and sometimes I think she should leave me high and dry but she always says that's her job, she's a Mom.

Needless to say Mom, but thank you for everything, even if I don't say it and sometimes I take things for granted I appreciate what you do, sometimes I just wish I understood as much as you do, but that's what makes me, Me!

Food...all kinds

I bet you could guess that I like food, bit then again maybe you couldn't. Well I do, ever since I was able to be out on my own I have this liking of all different kinds of food, mainly baking but i do enjoy discovering new foods.

The further I trace my roots back, the more I discover that my Ancestors came from France. They came from the Champagne region and also what the French call, la campagne ( countryside) of Brittany. How ironic I know but that's not what I'm talking about, I really enjoy French cuisine. There is something about their food that is addictive and delectable. I love bread and the French are all about bread and wine it seems, but they have so many different types of bread and usually it's fresh from the boulangerie (bakery) there are baguette, croissants and this really hard and round type I can't remember at this time.

Usually you can get all kinds of baked goods at a boulangerie from pâtisserie (pastries) such as my favorite, tarts. Sad thing is I can't find anything that would remotely resemble a bakery around where I live, there are a few but none of them make fresh bread. They mostly do cakes, cookies and some will even do tartlets which are smaller versions of a tart meant for one person. I like Strawberry, and fruit tartlets, those are really good.

I like baking more than cooking. Some would ask "isn't it one in the same?" My answer would be it's the same mess wise and production wise, but in the end baking to me envolves a lot more attention to detail. It's fun to try a new recipe and try to see how it comes out, and most of you know, as well as my mom, 99% of the time it doesn't come out like the picture. Baking is an adventure as much as cooking is and I'm always trying to "up the anty" by finding new things to cook and bake.

When I was growing up my mom didn't experiment much in the kitchen, probably due to some a-holes taste buds and I'm not talking about yet current Hubby. Although he is rather set in his ways, mom grew mire as a cook with him then she ever had. Her speciality is crockpot candy, sweet and salty all in one...oh how addictive they can be! I was having a conversation with my friend quagmire one night, just talking about cooking, and food. We both love to cook it and he loves to eat it! The thing is, I have not tried or ate sOme of the things he has. Quagmire has eatin all kinds of shell fish, like oysters, mussls, clams, and crab. All I've had is shrimp, lobster tail, and oyster stew (although I think I called it horsey stew, and naturally like any kid, I ate it with catsup). My family was never a big seafood conoiseour, we grew up on grits, mashed potatoes, a steak on the grill, porkchops, and collard greens. Sometimes I swear I can still smell my Nanny cooking them, man how those things stunk up the house...I NEVER ate them, probably because they smelled bad.

Italian food is another favorite of mine, oh, how I love pasta! Although I'm beginning to think that meat in the pasta sauce maybe a Southern, or an American invention. I made pasta ( which I keep forgetting I'm NOT supposed to have/ eat a lot of) the other night, it was...ok although fire roasted tomato sauc with Cabernet Sauvignon is NOT a good combo with meat, I think it's because Cabernet Sauvignon is a red wine, and it goes better with fish. I stay far away from fish, memories of catfish from the pond when I was little, although seeing a whole fried shrimp has not turned me off shrimp. That was a Greek experience...ordered fried shrimp for lunch at this place in Greece, and we got grief shrimp all right, eyes, attenna, everything!

Now, I can't make any Italian dessert, I can however eat some terramisu. Which is the classic italian desert of lady fingers soaked in expresso, with a vanilla custard and coco power lightly sprinkled. I'm having thst in just a few days, I can not wait!

Until next time, this is my end tonight! Happy?

"I am what I am and that's all that I am"

As I get older, I get the chance to look back and learn something else about myself and who I am as a person.

I gues you could say my favorite quote would be Popey's "I am what I am and that's all that I am." To me it says a lot and it speakes volumes, as some people would say.

I am the type of person that does not like to be put in akward situations. They make me feel very uncofortable, and that there are a million people staring at me, waiting for me to do something. When I was a junior in high school our prom was on a boat at Stone Mountain. I did not dance one dance, I did not pose for a lot of pictures (I did not have a lot of friends at that school or at that point) with people, I stayed up on the top deck of the boat for the entire night, just watching the laser show that was being put on up on the carving.

Sometimes, I think trhat the reason being was that a stupid boy I had once gone out with was there with a girl who was at one point in time, my marching buddy...

I would say hello and talk to the people that came up to the top deck, but other than that I hid from an akward situation. I didn't even dance one dance that night. My date was kind of a douche, and a dork...and not the good kind of dork that I like...he was just CREEPY.

It is easy for some people to be comfortable in their own skin...For me though? It's not...I am a very self consious person, but I have a really great personality as well as a big heart. I enjoy doing good things for people. Generally speaking, most are my friends and maybe someday they will repay the favor.

Another part of being me is embarassment, I don't like it. It goes back around to being in the spot light. Being in the spot light is NOT my idea of a good time. I don't like being the center of attention, and I don't like making mistakes either. I feel that if I make a mistake and there are witnisess to said mistake, then there will always be someone there, holding it over my head and the feeling that there are twenty thousands fingers pointing and laughing at you saying "you failed."

I get frustrated easily when I don't understand something. Most of the time it's math that is making me frustrated. I want to understand and understand clearly, I am still a little afraid of asking for help. Mom is the one that get's the phone call when I don't underswtand, and then if she doesn't understand...I'm screwed...well, not really...then I have to do my best to search through my book again, and scour the internet to find a problem similar to mine, so that I can understand.

Figuring things out on my own is a strong point. I like figuing out ways to make something work. That's how I learned to make my bags, I just looked at my other bags to get an idea of how to make it work.

I tend to explain myself to most everyone, I think Chiana and Evil twin are the only ones I don't have to, but I still feel the need on some occasions, and then I have these ladies tweeting in my ear, that they know how I work. Mighty Mouse was another I never had to explain myself to...untill the end that is, but that's another story for another day.

There is so much I want to do in this world I don't know if I will ever be able to do it all. One of my more crazier thoughts is living abroad. Either London, or Paris. Why? Because I enjoy forieghn culture.

Well I think that's enough for now, maybe more later.

Art

Art is something I love. I don't know what it is but I love it!


I'm not really into the whole paint on canvas, or modern art. Vintage art and old posters is what I really like. Photography is another part of art that I like. Harvey Edwards is one of the photographers that I'm partial to.



Harvey Edwards does ballet photography. I even have a copy of one of his works in my room. It's a very colorful piece. It's a bunch of costumes backstage at Ballet Boston Massachusetts.
It took me forever to find it, I searched all over art.com for it. I was trying to find something warm and colorful as an expression of me. I also have another one by him. It's called "Red Shoes." I have always loved ballet and point shoes, and this piece of art is one solitary pair of red point shoes in a sea of European pink satin pointe shoes.

The two pieces of vintage art I have are Parisian. There's a soft spot in my heart for Paris, and Parisian art. It's so different from everything, which is why I love it.

I'm an art nut! One of my favorite paintings that I wont bore you with a picture of is called "The consecration of the Emperor Napoleon" it's actually housed in the Louvre. The painting is HUGE it's as tall as the wall, and very wide, but very nice. The first time I saw it I was in French class (surprise, surprise) it was on a calender that my teacher had, and it seemed to me that I had seen it before. I instantly liked it, and I even have the calender page that has the paining on it still.



Take a look at the painting. Google it, and look how it's painted. See how the Pope is being ignored by Napoleon, and how tall Napoleon is.



Ever wondered where the "Napoleon complex" comes from?

Going out on a limb...

There come ls a point in life, as well as love and relationships that you have to go out on a limb.

And by going out on a limb I mean, putting yourself out there. Thats a tough thing to do, and many people are afraid of what that limb will get them into. I admit it, I'm a great big 'ol chicken! I'm afraid to go back out on that limb. The past time I put myself out there I got burned pretty badly.

My friend Quagmire is one of those as well. I saw how his girl-friend hurt him when she cheated on him, got pregnant and them said it was his. He's seen how divorce has hurt those around him and he doesn't want to go through that, so he puts up a wall so that no one can see what really lies beneath. The rare glimpses that I get behind the wall, I like the man that's there.

Its been a while since I was in a relationship and now a days the idea scares the hell out of me. Especially when I want to date someone I'm really good friends with. I don't want it to end badly if we ever get past the fear or the what if's.

I guess you could say the hardest part is that first step.

I put a wall up too, I'm just a scared a nervous, I don't want to find myself back at square one again. I do my best to live in the present and not to dwell on the last one that was, it drives me nuts!

How do you overcome your own fear of being rejected as well as your beaux's fear of a true relationship?