It has been a rough few weeks, and days. Sometimes, it seems as if the dreariness that I fell will never end and go away. Things have not been going that great for me since my stint on active duty has ended. My mood has been really somber, and very much teetering on the edge of endless tears. The frustration and the emptiness of my current predicament weighs heavy on my mind as well as shoulders.
It is not easy for someone like me that comes off active duty to come to terms with the fact that, after years of a constant motion of duty, I have to start all over again, and that means starting off at the bottom. When I entered the military eight years ago I had worked my way up from earning minimum wake of 5.50 an hour to 7.75.
Now a days the minimum wage IS what I was making then. It is hard trying to come to terms with it, as well as the pressure that comes with the searching of jobs. When you are on your way out of the military they really do not prepare you enough (in my opinion) for the obstacles that you will face, once you are on the outside. Although, I'm not sure what they could do differently to better prepare us for the outside.
It is never a fun time when the darkness begins to envelop me and threaten to take me down. A lot of times, it will take me a few days to slowly come out of it a begin to feel better. Mostly it's thanks in part to my friends and my dog that help bring me out of the haze. Mostly I make my self suffer because it is just me here. I'm not as lucky as some people that have someone to go home to.
Now that I don't have a constant day-to-day interaction with co-workers, I have a lacking of social comfort. School does not count because I only talk to them once a week. My friends have busy lives, especially Minnie. Sometimes I don't know how that girl does what she does...but somehow, she does it with grace and a warm smile. It does get very lonely not having someone to go on new adventures with. Evil twin and Zelda are in Corpus Christi, Ducky is in Virginia along with Chiana, Alex is a new mom, and doesn't share the same spirit as I do. They all have separate lives and I miss them all. These individual people became my family over the years.
Thanks to them all, I don't know where I would be without them!
It's hard to push away the darkness, especially when you are someone like me that internalizes everything. As much as I do need help, I want to be able to make it on my own. When I was growing up, I never wanted to ask for help for fear of being though of stupid. It takes a lot still for me to ask for help, mainly because as previously stated, I want to do it on my own. The thing that I have to realize is, I do need help, and there are people or a person to help...Mom. She may not be fully aware of how I feel but she does try to help me.
To those who have someone to go home to every night, that has someone to hug them at the end of the day, and tell them that everything is going to be ok. Please, be thankful, no matter what that you do have that someone there to support you. Me, I just have Daisy to go home to, and sleep with, and sometimes that just isn't enough. Everyone tells me that I'll eventually find someone, but I don't feel it.
Finding a way out of the haze is an every day battle, no matter who you are. I do my best to be an up-beat and happy person, but when the world feels like it's going to crash down around me, that's the moment that I feel despair and sink to the inside. I am my own worse enemy, I am harder on myself than other people are, and I berate myself for than anyone could imagine. To me if I do something wrong, or mess up on something it's ten times worse. No one could possibly do worse than myself.
It is never a fun spot to be in, the haze. If anyone out there goes through it if they ever need someone to talk to my inbox is always open. The dark and haze is not the place to be, I have to make myself get out more even though I'm almost afraid to.The moral of my story tonight is, it is never easy starting over. Thar's all for tonight, my darling Dizzy (Daisy) is ready to go up-stairs and go to bed, and my hip is bothering my again, so the pain is making me bid you adieu until tomorrow.
Showing posts with label Chiana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chiana. Show all posts
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Chiana
I met Chiana in 2005, she was sitting in the lobby of the barracks where we lived, waiting for a ride to the hanger. Her hair was like most coming from boot-camp; horribly chopped off. She was wearing her "Smurf suit" that is what we call our sweat suits because their blue, and you look like a smurf wearing them, and no one looks their smurfiest.
It took as awhile to become friends, mainly because we didn't surf in the same circles. Sometimes we did, and other times she hung out with the girls that she came to the command with. I'm not sure of the exact time that we actually started hanging out more. I guess maybe I started talking to her in the hanger during one of my many trips back and forth from the flight line. Back then that was a trek, our shop was located outside the hanger right next to the "active flight line" line. The bathrooms were at the entrance of the hanger, so it was a journey.
We have had some incredible journeys together. From boyfriends and babies, to different commands in different states.
I remember when she got pregnant, she was living with me at the time, and hadn't really been at the house long. When she finally told me, I didn't really know what to say...it was not something that was planned...sometimes I still blame myself for not making her go home with me the night she got pregnant, but I was tired, she was drunk, and all I wanted to do was go home and not fight with her about going home. After I told her I supported her no matter what, she finally broke down and told me the reason she hadn't really unpacked her things was because she thought that I would kick her out and make her go back to the barracks. It seems silly now, but back then she didn't really know what I would do. One night I had made cookies, which she loved, and there were some left over for the next day. I get up in the morning and there are NO MORE COOKIES! She had a craving in the middle of the night for them so she ate them. That's why I call her Cookie Monster...she really liked chocolate-chip cookies.
We have done such crazy things like getting one of those old time photo's made in St. Augustine, on one of our many treks down there. The last time she was here we went the the Pirates museum in St. Augie. It was really neat and there was so much to read and see, it was very technological in there.
For the past couple of years she has been in Virginia. I remember when she started picking orders she wanted to stay here in Jax, but she also felt the need to go to VA and be there for her sister, who was raising a baby by herself for the most part. It's not been fun her being up there and me still being here. There are times when I want to hang out with someone, and I want her to be here talking to me and laughing with me but she can't she's in VA.
She is absolutely my bestie, with out her being here for me in those dark times, I don't know what I would've done. She has been there to boost me up when I am down, and keep my secrets. She makes me laugh and some of things she says to me just stay. I really miss having her around, before she left I was teaching her how to cook. She didn't really know then, but I hope the knows more now. It was always fun having her as a sous chef in my kitchen, she made baking and cooking that much more fun.
It is only a few more weeks until I get to see my bestie, and hopefully her boy-friend Jason. I just can't wait for the times that we get to spend more that a few hours together. Mayhem will soon ensue.
It took as awhile to become friends, mainly because we didn't surf in the same circles. Sometimes we did, and other times she hung out with the girls that she came to the command with. I'm not sure of the exact time that we actually started hanging out more. I guess maybe I started talking to her in the hanger during one of my many trips back and forth from the flight line. Back then that was a trek, our shop was located outside the hanger right next to the "active flight line" line. The bathrooms were at the entrance of the hanger, so it was a journey.
We have had some incredible journeys together. From boyfriends and babies, to different commands in different states.
I remember when she got pregnant, she was living with me at the time, and hadn't really been at the house long. When she finally told me, I didn't really know what to say...it was not something that was planned...sometimes I still blame myself for not making her go home with me the night she got pregnant, but I was tired, she was drunk, and all I wanted to do was go home and not fight with her about going home. After I told her I supported her no matter what, she finally broke down and told me the reason she hadn't really unpacked her things was because she thought that I would kick her out and make her go back to the barracks. It seems silly now, but back then she didn't really know what I would do. One night I had made cookies, which she loved, and there were some left over for the next day. I get up in the morning and there are NO MORE COOKIES! She had a craving in the middle of the night for them so she ate them. That's why I call her Cookie Monster...she really liked chocolate-chip cookies.
We have done such crazy things like getting one of those old time photo's made in St. Augustine, on one of our many treks down there. The last time she was here we went the the Pirates museum in St. Augie. It was really neat and there was so much to read and see, it was very technological in there.
For the past couple of years she has been in Virginia. I remember when she started picking orders she wanted to stay here in Jax, but she also felt the need to go to VA and be there for her sister, who was raising a baby by herself for the most part. It's not been fun her being up there and me still being here. There are times when I want to hang out with someone, and I want her to be here talking to me and laughing with me but she can't she's in VA.
She is absolutely my bestie, with out her being here for me in those dark times, I don't know what I would've done. She has been there to boost me up when I am down, and keep my secrets. She makes me laugh and some of things she says to me just stay. I really miss having her around, before she left I was teaching her how to cook. She didn't really know then, but I hope the knows more now. It was always fun having her as a sous chef in my kitchen, she made baking and cooking that much more fun.
It is only a few more weeks until I get to see my bestie, and hopefully her boy-friend Jason. I just can't wait for the times that we get to spend more that a few hours together. Mayhem will soon ensue.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
"I am what I am and that's all that I am"
As I get older, I get the chance to look back and learn something else about myself and who I am as a person.
I gues you could say my favorite quote would be Popey's "I am what I am and that's all that I am." To me it says a lot and it speakes volumes, as some people would say.
I am the type of person that does not like to be put in akward situations. They make me feel very uncofortable, and that there are a million people staring at me, waiting for me to do something. When I was a junior in high school our prom was on a boat at Stone Mountain. I did not dance one dance, I did not pose for a lot of pictures (I did not have a lot of friends at that school or at that point) with people, I stayed up on the top deck of the boat for the entire night, just watching the laser show that was being put on up on the carving.
Sometimes, I think trhat the reason being was that a stupid boy I had once gone out with was there with a girl who was at one point in time, my marching buddy...
I would say hello and talk to the people that came up to the top deck, but other than that I hid from an akward situation. I didn't even dance one dance that night. My date was kind of a douche, and a dork...and not the good kind of dork that I like...he was just CREEPY.
It is easy for some people to be comfortable in their own skin...For me though? It's not...I am a very self consious person, but I have a really great personality as well as a big heart. I enjoy doing good things for people. Generally speaking, most are my friends and maybe someday they will repay the favor.
Another part of being me is embarassment, I don't like it. It goes back around to being in the spot light. Being in the spot light is NOT my idea of a good time. I don't like being the center of attention, and I don't like making mistakes either. I feel that if I make a mistake and there are witnisess to said mistake, then there will always be someone there, holding it over my head and the feeling that there are twenty thousands fingers pointing and laughing at you saying "you failed."
I get frustrated easily when I don't understand something. Most of the time it's math that is making me frustrated. I want to understand and understand clearly, I am still a little afraid of asking for help. Mom is the one that get's the phone call when I don't underswtand, and then if she doesn't understand...I'm screwed...well, not really...then I have to do my best to search through my book again, and scour the internet to find a problem similar to mine, so that I can understand.
Figuring things out on my own is a strong point. I like figuing out ways to make something work. That's how I learned to make my bags, I just looked at my other bags to get an idea of how to make it work.
I tend to explain myself to most everyone, I think Chiana and Evil twin are the only ones I don't have to, but I still feel the need on some occasions, and then I have these ladies tweeting in my ear, that they know how I work. Mighty Mouse was another I never had to explain myself to...untill the end that is, but that's another story for another day.
There is so much I want to do in this world I don't know if I will ever be able to do it all. One of my more crazier thoughts is living abroad. Either London, or Paris. Why? Because I enjoy forieghn culture.
Well I think that's enough for now, maybe more later.
I gues you could say my favorite quote would be Popey's "I am what I am and that's all that I am." To me it says a lot and it speakes volumes, as some people would say.
I am the type of person that does not like to be put in akward situations. They make me feel very uncofortable, and that there are a million people staring at me, waiting for me to do something. When I was a junior in high school our prom was on a boat at Stone Mountain. I did not dance one dance, I did not pose for a lot of pictures (I did not have a lot of friends at that school or at that point) with people, I stayed up on the top deck of the boat for the entire night, just watching the laser show that was being put on up on the carving.
Sometimes, I think trhat the reason being was that a stupid boy I had once gone out with was there with a girl who was at one point in time, my marching buddy...
I would say hello and talk to the people that came up to the top deck, but other than that I hid from an akward situation. I didn't even dance one dance that night. My date was kind of a douche, and a dork...and not the good kind of dork that I like...he was just CREEPY.
It is easy for some people to be comfortable in their own skin...For me though? It's not...I am a very self consious person, but I have a really great personality as well as a big heart. I enjoy doing good things for people. Generally speaking, most are my friends and maybe someday they will repay the favor.
Another part of being me is embarassment, I don't like it. It goes back around to being in the spot light. Being in the spot light is NOT my idea of a good time. I don't like being the center of attention, and I don't like making mistakes either. I feel that if I make a mistake and there are witnisess to said mistake, then there will always be someone there, holding it over my head and the feeling that there are twenty thousands fingers pointing and laughing at you saying "you failed."
I get frustrated easily when I don't understand something. Most of the time it's math that is making me frustrated. I want to understand and understand clearly, I am still a little afraid of asking for help. Mom is the one that get's the phone call when I don't underswtand, and then if she doesn't understand...I'm screwed...well, not really...then I have to do my best to search through my book again, and scour the internet to find a problem similar to mine, so that I can understand.
Figuring things out on my own is a strong point. I like figuing out ways to make something work. That's how I learned to make my bags, I just looked at my other bags to get an idea of how to make it work.
I tend to explain myself to most everyone, I think Chiana and Evil twin are the only ones I don't have to, but I still feel the need on some occasions, and then I have these ladies tweeting in my ear, that they know how I work. Mighty Mouse was another I never had to explain myself to...untill the end that is, but that's another story for another day.
There is so much I want to do in this world I don't know if I will ever be able to do it all. One of my more crazier thoughts is living abroad. Either London, or Paris. Why? Because I enjoy forieghn culture.
Well I think that's enough for now, maybe more later.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Cianas Birthday Present
For my B-F-F Chianas birthday I knew I wanted to get her something really special and very unique to her personality.
Well, for starters she likes Skulls. She had a really cute skull sticker on the back of her car, I think it has a bow on it, can't remember. One day Zelda and I are perusing the selves of Home Depot...we like to go in there and drool and dream....n e ways back to my story.
So there I was in the middle of the LA.....oh wait wrong story, that belongs in a sea story, which I'm sure I will eventually post about, just not not. Ok, now back to my original story.
Zelda and I were walking around looking at flowers and appliances, and we passed by where they make keys and they have a bunch of different looking lanyards. I looked to see if they had a UGA one, naturally they didn't, but they had a really cute one that had skulls on it, and it was pink.
Normally, I wouldn't get her something pink, but it was cute so I got it. She loved it! I told her that it was only part one of her b-day gift. I had gotten the notion one weekend when my Bragger mom and I went to Jo Anne's Fabrics looking for something or another for her corceting project.
I saw all these really neat and colorful fabrics and I loved them all, it made me want to create something and use all the fabrics in all different colors that I saw. Then I came across some skull fabric and it was the same kind that one of my Chiefs had as a skull cap that our departed CO had hand made for him.
It was then that I decided that I could make something useful for Chiana and make it really personal and special. So today after I left my wonderful duty morning of being a janitor slash Gardener (we had to pull weeds in front of the door to the squadron) I went to Jo Anne's and picked up some fabric and when I got home I went to work on it.
Naturally it never starts off as planned and I really didn't think that it would take me all day, but always remember, measure twice, cut once. My handles wound up being too short, so I had to cut and re-do. But during my process I had to switch sewing machines twice, and broke thread and got my fabric stuck due to my thread getting stuck many, many times. Oh and not to mention I broke almost all my needles.
I say almost all my needles because as I was putting everything up I found the other needle that had fallen out of the package. I was a little perturbed because I was on the last part of sewing the bag and then my needle broke. But woo hoo! I had found one, so I talked nice to my machine all the way through out the completion of the bag, and it turned out rather nice.
Oh and did I mention, I've never made anything like that before, and I didn't even have a patter. Just looked at a bag I had and sketched out what I wanted to do and away I went.
I started my project and 1030 this morning, I finished it at 1930 this evening, didn't even feel like it was that long. But I finished and here is the finished project.
Well, for starters she likes Skulls. She had a really cute skull sticker on the back of her car, I think it has a bow on it, can't remember. One day Zelda and I are perusing the selves of Home Depot...we like to go in there and drool and dream....n e ways back to my story.
So there I was in the middle of the LA.....oh wait wrong story, that belongs in a sea story, which I'm sure I will eventually post about, just not not. Ok, now back to my original story.
Zelda and I were walking around looking at flowers and appliances, and we passed by where they make keys and they have a bunch of different looking lanyards. I looked to see if they had a UGA one, naturally they didn't, but they had a really cute one that had skulls on it, and it was pink.
Normally, I wouldn't get her something pink, but it was cute so I got it. She loved it! I told her that it was only part one of her b-day gift. I had gotten the notion one weekend when my Bragger mom and I went to Jo Anne's Fabrics looking for something or another for her corceting project.
I saw all these really neat and colorful fabrics and I loved them all, it made me want to create something and use all the fabrics in all different colors that I saw. Then I came across some skull fabric and it was the same kind that one of my Chiefs had as a skull cap that our departed CO had hand made for him.
It was then that I decided that I could make something useful for Chiana and make it really personal and special. So today after I left my wonderful duty morning of being a janitor slash Gardener (we had to pull weeds in front of the door to the squadron) I went to Jo Anne's and picked up some fabric and when I got home I went to work on it.
Naturally it never starts off as planned and I really didn't think that it would take me all day, but always remember, measure twice, cut once. My handles wound up being too short, so I had to cut and re-do. But during my process I had to switch sewing machines twice, and broke thread and got my fabric stuck due to my thread getting stuck many, many times. Oh and not to mention I broke almost all my needles.
I say almost all my needles because as I was putting everything up I found the other needle that had fallen out of the package. I was a little perturbed because I was on the last part of sewing the bag and then my needle broke. But woo hoo! I had found one, so I talked nice to my machine all the way through out the completion of the bag, and it turned out rather nice.
Oh and did I mention, I've never made anything like that before, and I didn't even have a patter. Just looked at a bag I had and sketched out what I wanted to do and away I went.
I started my project and 1030 this morning, I finished it at 1930 this evening, didn't even feel like it was that long. But I finished and here is the finished project.
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