In a haze and funk

It has been a rough few weeks, and days. Sometimes, it seems as if the dreariness that I fell will never end and go away. Things have not been going that great for me since my stint on active duty has ended. My mood has been really somber, and very much teetering on the edge of endless tears. The frustration and the emptiness of my current predicament weighs heavy on my mind as well as shoulders.

It is not easy for someone like me that comes off active duty to come to terms with the fact that, after years of a constant motion of duty, I have to start all over again, and that means starting off at the bottom. When I entered the military eight years ago I had worked my way up from earning minimum wake of 5.50 an hour to 7.75.

Now a days the minimum wage IS what I was making then. It is hard trying to come to terms with it, as well as the pressure that comes with the searching of jobs. When you are on your way out of the military they really do not prepare you enough (in my opinion) for the obstacles that you will face, once you are on the outside. Although, I'm not sure what they could do differently to better prepare us for the outside.

It is never a fun time when the darkness begins to envelop me and threaten to take me down. A lot of times, it will take me a few days to slowly come out of it a begin to feel better. Mostly it's thanks in part to my friends and my dog that help bring me out of the haze. Mostly I make my self suffer because it is just me here. I'm not as lucky as some people that have someone to go home to.

Now that I don't have a constant day-to-day interaction with co-workers, I have a lacking of social comfort. School does not count because I only talk to them once a week. My friends have busy lives, especially Minnie. Sometimes I don't know how that girl does what she does...but somehow, she does it with grace and a warm smile. It does get very lonely not having someone to go on new adventures with. Evil twin and Zelda are in Corpus Christi, Ducky is in Virginia along with Chiana, Alex is a new mom, and doesn't share the same spirit as I do. They all have separate lives and I miss them all. These individual people became my family over the years.

Thanks to them all, I don't know where I would be without them!

It's hard to push away the darkness, especially when you are someone like me that internalizes everything. As much as I do need help, I want to be able to make it on my own. When I was growing up, I never wanted to ask for help for fear of being though of stupid. It takes a lot still for me to ask for help, mainly because as previously stated, I want to do it on my own. The thing that I have to realize is, I do need help, and there are people or a person to help...Mom. She may not be fully aware of how I feel but she does try to help me.

To those who have someone to go home to every night, that has someone to hug them at the end of the day, and tell them that everything is going to be ok. Please, be thankful, no matter what that you do have that someone there to support you. Me, I just have Daisy to go home to, and sleep with, and sometimes that just isn't enough. Everyone tells me that I'll eventually find someone, but I don't feel it.

Finding a way out of the haze is an every day battle, no matter who you are. I do my best to be an up-beat and happy person, but when the world feels like it's going to crash down around me, that's the moment that I feel despair and sink to the inside. I am my own worse enemy, I am harder on myself than other people are, and I berate myself for than anyone could imagine. To me if I do something wrong, or mess up on something it's ten times worse. No one could possibly do worse than myself.

It is never a fun spot to be in, the haze. If anyone out there goes through it if they ever need someone to talk to my inbox is always open. The dark and haze is not the place to be, I have to make myself get out more even though I'm almost afraid to.The moral of my story tonight is, it is never easy starting over. Thar's all for tonight, my darling Dizzy (Daisy) is ready to go up-stairs and go to bed, and my hip is bothering my again, so the pain is making me bid you adieu until tomorrow.

At a loss

For the past few day's I've been at a loss...a loss of words, ideas, and as usual sleep. The only good thing about the past couple of days is, I got to spend some time with my good friend Zelda.

Sadly, the only reason she was in town was so that she could appear at her divorce hearing, and get her name changed without all the hassle. She also hadn't seen her soon to be ex since she left back in March. From what she told me, it was a little tense and she was a little nervous too.

I think I'm beginning to go a little stir crazy being at home so much, then again it is the end of the semester and I just want it to be over. If everything goes well I should be graduating in May. That just blows my mind, and makes me anxious at the same time. Once again, I have to do what I don't want to do...hurry up and wait. In the Navy that's what you do for every thing. Flight schedule, any meal on the boat, liberty lines to get OFF the boat, nothing but hurry and wait.

For the next 6 months or so I'm going to have a full load of classes, the one I'm not looking forward to is the cap-stone. Apparently that course is nothing but a big, long, drug out paper. I don't mind writing as long as I have a lot of info and can be opinionated about it. There is so much more that I want to do, but my University does not offer much more off the subject of aviation. I would love to study more on history, re-learn French, and dance. I miss dancing, all though I do it in all the time in my house, when no one is looking!

While Zelda was here we also went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt.2 in 3D. It was an amazing movie, and very emotional. If you've read the books then you know what I'm talking about. It's strange to say that I saw the first movie at IMAX, and that's what got me started on the books. I never thought that I would get sucked into that world before I saw the movie and read the book, but I did! I love going to Harry Potter over at Islands of Adventure in Orlando. It's so neat what they did bringing the movie alive like that. So amazing!

I guess that is all for now, Dizzy is giving me that look that says lets go to bed...I just hope tonight she decides NOT to sleep at my feet under the covers after I'm completely knocked out, and after I've told her numerous times not to.

Dogs, cars and lieshes

Tonight, was one of THOSE nights. The one out of a million or so mundane nights that you've had before only this mundane night turned into something very different from what was expected.

After getting a surprise visit by one of my dear friends Zelda, we decided to go to the Dairy Queen and get a snack. She opted to take the dogs along. Since I had taken Daisy before, and I knew Minnie had done the same for Cindy, I figured why not. They would be tired by the time we got back anyway.

The walk there was uneventful, we got out ice cream and water, then we started out for home. That's when all hell broke loose so to speak.

Zelda had Cindy and I had Daisy and we were about to cross in the cross walk before the entrance to Taco Bell. That's when Cindy pulled out of he leash.

There was something in the road and Cindy jumped around it to see what it was and so did Zelda, by the time she realized that she no longer had her coller on, it was too late, Cindy was on the run.

We gave chase of Cindy, and I really thought she would stop. I figured she knew better being raised by Sarah.

She stopped for a moment in front of the boarded up Checkers, and I was only a few feet from her, and as I was about to grab her she took off.

We started running after her again, and mind you that I'm running in flip flops and Zelda's running in platforms.

There were some really nice people that tried to stop and help us corral Cindy. It almost worked, we had her blocked in by two cars, then she got through an opening...getting closer to the road...I ran after her after she got through the two cars trying to tap her in. Zelda was on the other side and I honestly thought our ordeal was almost over.

But remember, it was almost 10 o'clock at night on a Saturday on a very busy road in Jacksonville.

The next thing I know, Cindy had ran into traffic....

I heard Zelda yell for her, saw car's slamming on brakes and trying to stop, then I heard barking. I couldn't see what was happening...there were cars blocking my view, but the worse thing that could happen did happen...

She got hit by a car...then she turned around and barked at the car...like it was the cars fault for hitting her and she was showing her indignation of being hit by barking at it.

Once again she was off and running...I lost sight of her and I couldn't tell where she had gone. I didn't know if she would run back to my house or run back to her house which is in the same subdivision.

As Zelda and I are run/walking down a poorly lit road by the house, a really nice lady stopped and told us to get in...mind you I never take rides from strangers, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

She told us that she had been following Cindy and she saw two other guys running after her, so she turned around and came and picked us up.

As she turned into our Subdivision, I asked her to just drop us off at the beginning of our street, but Zelda said let's just ride around and see if we can find her. As we got a little further down the street, we could see that the two gentlemen had found her...at MY HOUSE!

When we pulled up to the house and I opened the garage door they were a little surprised to find out that she had ran all the way back to the house.

I finally had Cindy stopped we put her coller on and led her back into the house...of course saying thank you to the two gentlemen who took the time to help us.

The thing I didn't realize was that Cindy was bleeding...all over the place. Not bad, but she had cut up the pads of her paws from running on the pavement. I tried to calm her down once we got in the house but she just kept panting. Next thing you know, Zelda, Cindy and I are on our way to the Clay County Animal Emergency Room.

After a two hour visit and some powerful drugs later Cindy is on her way back to being the same 'ole pain in the rear dog...I'm just hoping that Minnie finally takes my advice and gets her a harness.

That way she can't slip out of collier and scare the hell out of anyone EVER again.

The only bad thing or hard thing was having to call Minnie and her sister to tell them what had happened. It was so hard to do, and I feel really horrible for what happened while she was here. It's safe to say I will NEVER dog sit again.

I feel awkward and a little reluctant when I talk to Minnie. This is two days after Cindy got hit by the car, and for me it's hard to face my friend. Even though she said it wasn't my fault and said I did the right thing, I feel like maybe she maybe a little mad at me. She may not say it but I feel like it's possible, even though she's an incredibly nice person, I think she's subject to the human emotion of madness.

Bath time

Today was bath time. Bath time, for Daisy and Cindy Lou. It's quite the ordeal for Cindy to get a bath, reason being is that she's a big 'ole chicken when it comes to getting a bath. Her Mom told me that she had her teeth brushed and her ears cleaned and the bath was the last part of it. Then after she was done with her bath she was going to go home and pout.

Daisy is relatively calm when it comes to getting a bath. A lot less than Cindy, but she looks like she enjoys it to me. It's a struggle at first to get her all wet but once you start the scrubbing and spray her on her tummy she really likes it.

Another part of bath time is Cindy and Daisy playing. Well Daisy tries to play and Cindy just tries to eat her. Not really but that's what it looks like. So Cindy went first today, because she started playing rough the moment the moment those two saw each other. Her Mom had to tighten down her caller she said "this time their will be no escape artist." Normally what happens is, the moment Cindy sees the water and knows what's going on she does her best to get away from it. So when one person tries to pull and she's pulling in the opposite direction, she's bound to slip out of her caller.

They really are a pair those two. An odd pair but their friends. Really they are! Once they've calmed down, they will even take naps with each other.

Trying to sleep when you have a very playful dog...

Today I came home from work and I decided that it was time to take a nap. I've been so exhausted the past couple of day's and I don't know why. I haven't been working out on the flight line so I know it's not the heat. Sometimes it pays off to be stuck in front of a computer.

Getting back to point of the story. When I came home today, after taking Daisy out to potty and do all that good stuff, I immediately went upstairs put my pj's on and tried to lay down and sleep for a little while. What I didn't know was what the dog was going to do while I tried to sleep.

At first she was ok or I think she was ok with me going upstairs to lie down, but then I realized that she really wanted me to play with her. Weather I'm laying down or sitting in my chair.

She keeps coming and jumping on the bed with her favorite toy a squeaky Elephant I call Horton, after Horton hears a Who. Daisy has the Elephant in her mouth and she keeps hitting me with it, and will not stop. I have my hand above my head and she takes the Elephant and tries to put it my hand. What she's saying is "come on, throw the toy, I want you to throw toy."

Naturally, I throw the Elephant out of the room, and time and time again she kept bringing it back to me . Finally I was so tired that I just quit throwing it, and she hopped up on the bed curled up in a little ball and decided to take a nap herself. There's one thing you got to know about my baby girl...she's relentless, but she's cute!