Navy life wonderings

Lately, I've been wondering more and more about whether or not I can make it the rest of my time in the Navy. Or if I'm even cut out to do my job.

After all, enough is enough.

It's hard for me. The hardest it's been in the past 6 years. Granted my last command drove me up the wall, but I never felt stupid. I had a lot of respect from my co-workers, and I didn't second guess myself as much as I do now.

The main reason it's so hard for me is because I'm not as up to par with my co-workers. They have the advantage of always been in the shop, always worked in their rate. Me? Ha! In the last 7 years this is what I've done.

• Worked in 1st LT for a year
• Went TAD on the boat for 6 months during my first deployment
• Spent 2 years in the Line Shack
• Worked 2 years in Corrosion

Then when I got to my shop at my current command I spent about 3 months or so actually working in my rate before I had to take a break from it and work on training on the computer.

I've only been working "Hard Core" Airframes stuff for the past couple of months. I'm trying, but it's not going very well. People talk to me like I'm stupid, treat me with no respect, and act like they should be given the respect they don't show me.

Mostly I don't get it! Why is it so hard for me to understand? Am I really not cut out to do this job after all? Maybe it's just the fact that I've never actually worked in my rate for very long, or it could be I just don't have very good leaders as far as supervisors go.

It stresses me out, and makes me feel like crap. I try to make myself feel better by remind myself that I haven't been doing this as long as they have, but at least I'm trying. Or at least I THINK I'm trying...it's eventually gotta come down to me becoming def to them or to something. It's a hard decision to make when you know there's something better out there as far as the Navy goes, but you can't get there because someone wasn't paying attention to your career and you got screwed out of orders to a new command by three months.

Granted that I was paying attention but I didn't know there was some new rule that came out and moved it back by three months. SO I'm stuck in hell for another year...WHAT-A-DRAG!!!

The scary part would be getting out and not knowing what the hell I was going to do for a job, or school for that matter. I don't know WHAT I WANT TO BE!!! I don't know if I could teach like my mom, or if I would even want to.

I've wanted to go the University of Georgia for most of my life, and I want to much to get there, I just don't know how or when I will get there.

It does bother me A LOT that I don't know my job as well as others do and I feel rather incompetent doing it sometimes, and all I want is to be good at what I do and UNDERSTAND! But the biggest thing is, how do you learn or understand if there's no one their willing to take the time and teach you?

Another thing is, I don't like it when people yell at me in front of others. If you have a problem with me or with something I did, come to me, don't announce it to the whole shop or shops. That's just wrong, and it's considered throwing someone under the bus. Secondly I'm a very private person and you yelling at me and talking down to me in front of an audience, is considered a violation of my privacy. I don't want the whole world knowing about my mistakes. Granted, I'm human and I will make mistakes and I accept that, but why can't other people accept the fact that there are better ways to talk to people in order to get what you want.

I know that being nice all the time isn't going to get you what you want, but talking down to someone and yelling at them like their stupid isn't either.

My question is: How do I leave the Navy and be able to financially support myself? Is it something that I can do, is it something I really want, or is it just a way for me to feel some sort of relief?

I don't know what to do next...

Wonder

Sometimes I wonder.

I wonder why things have happened the way they have.

Wonder why after all the time it took Mighty Mouse and I to be together, why in the blink of an eye, he was gone. With out even a fight or a second glance.

I most often wonder how he is, and if he misses me as much as I miss him. I'm glad to know when he's coming home. Excited for him so he gets to go home and see his kids. And of course Brinkley the Sheltie. They are all cute, the kids and the dog that is.

Then the other times I wonder, why did I ever develop something for an idiotic Curve Ball? The guy hasn't a clue. He's been my friend for years and we've been close the past few years. I've been there for him through his divorce, through the pregnancy of my best friend and room mate, through breaking up with his ex girl-friend (who was a bit on the loony side) and most recently through his DUI and MAJOR possibility of being separated from the Navy.

He has no clue...neither do I, I'll admit. I don't know why I feel for him. Maybe it's because I have such a big heart or maybe it's because he's just filling in the void.

I recently found out that he asked his current girl-friend to marry him, naturally she said yes. He even got his son to help out with it. I think it's the most ridiculous thing he's done YET!! Granted that's my OPINION, but it's still an opinion. I don't feel like they belong together. They haven't even been together very long and all of a sudden he thinks "Oh maybe I should marry her, she wont leave me, or nag me" I think though he's doing it for all the wrong reasons.

My OPINION is he's doing it to save face in court when he goes in for his DUI charges, and also because his former best friend and ex-wife are getting married. So he wants to get back at her by doing the same. I don't know though.

But the reason why I wonder so much is because I'm invited to Vegas, well BEGGED, I decide to come, and then I'm lied to WTF? I don't get it I wonder what's going through his small little pee brain...granted I never wanted a relationship but I did want a chance. A chance that no once seems to give me. They just give up and walk away, don't even try, just give up.

I wonder why he doesn't or didn't see our connection. I know I'm in love with Mighty Mouse, and he's the absolute one and only mouse for me! =) But why do I like someone else? I understand your going to be attracted to other people, but why this idiot? It hurt to hear that Curve Ball had asked that famous question we all long to hear, but not as much as hearing that Mighty Mouse thought we weren't meant to be after all these years...I don't know...

I don't know what to think or what to do. Fighting is what I can do, I just don't know if it'll work...for either one...I just want to have my Mighty Mouse home with me and Daisy.

Fear

Fear is a gripping, non physical, emotional being that takes hold of us when we least expect it. It holds us down and keeps us hidden safe and sound inside our thin outer shells.

Fear is one of those things that shoves your head under the water and holds it there forever, expecting you to breath while your under. Never knowing that if you could you would, so you suffocate. You suffocate on fear.

For me fear holds me back from a things here and there. Especially when it concerns me and something that involves me.

I'm not generally afraid of many things, just emotional issues. I fear the answers I will get, and I fear being hurt.

Fear is also one of THOSE, that holds us back or knocks us down, expecting us to get down and stay down and not try and conquer over it.

I fear telling Mighty Mouse that I love him still, and that no matter what I just want to be with him. I fear telling Curve Ball that I enjoy hanging out with him, and spending time with him. I fear telling both of them that I'm an incredible person and if there not smart they will miss something tremendously wonderful (and it's not often that I toot my own horn like that).

Sometimes I fear that I'll never see Mighty Mouse again and that just kills me, sometimes I wish I could let him or tell him to read what I write here because this is all me with no hold backs, a lot of honesty and full emotional input.

But then again there's that fear thing coming back again, and it tells me not too because I don't know the out come of it. I'm one of those "WHY?" people. I tend to ask why a lot because I fear the unknown. Basically I'm a big 'ol freakin' scaredy cat.

How do we overcome fear? How do I face my fears, and face my fears alone? Once again there's that alone thing, and here's the fear that goes with it...I fear living the rest of my life alone, with no one to really share my life with. I was almost there, almost done with that fear, when everything came crashing down around me.

Fear is what holds me back from telling the people I care about how I really feel. I don't want to jeopardize my friendships or relationships with them, so I don't say a thing, and I watch them be happy, as I drive away wondering when it will be my turn.

Lone

I'm alone. I don't like it much, and it gets rather depressing at times, just sitting here watching TV or playing Mario Brothers by myself. But I don't think there's much I can do about it.

I'm a people person. Unlike some people in my family I do enjoy being around people. Granted, just like everyone I like my alone time too, but I've had enough of that to last me a long while.

Is it so much to ask for to have someone special in my life? I'm 25 for God sakes, and I'm a FREAKIN 'LONE! I don't know what the hell has gone so wrong that the people just give up on me with out even really trying. That's what I feel like at least. I feel like people give up on me before I or we've even had a chance at anything real.

I miss having someone there at night to talk to and share my thoughts with. With Mighty Mouse and I not talking much and him being out on the boat, I find myself missing him more and more. Although he would never know it. The few days that we spent together were some of the best.

Having someone to hold me close at night is something I miss as much as his voice and presence. Is it so much to ask for to have someone do that? Sometimes it hurts to see people so happy when I'm not. It hurts me to see people that have significant others so happy and here I am with no one.

What can I do, besides sit here and wait? I have no clue, I can't even tell Curve ball that I like spending time with him no matter how annoying or loud he gets. He also has a girl-friend, but that's hasn't stopped us from hanging out before, but now that he's back in town it is different.

I hate being alone.

More Boobage

Why is it that we full chested gals can not find a decent bra that looks good?

I love Victoria's Secret and Aeri. But, sometimes it is so hard to find my size. I'm only a 38B, I'm sure my mother would say other wise but, I am what I say I am.

It gets difficult when you go shopping at their stores and you to find your size but they don't have it. Why is that? It's not like I'm some random outrageous size. It's a normal size!!

Every time I go into Victoria's Secret I go to the PINK collection. Why? Because they have the cutest bra's. That and their really girly and colorful. Which are all things that I love.

Even when I go onto Aeri's website and look it gets difficult. I see a really cute 2 colored polka-dotted bra, and I click on it to see how much it is, and see if they have my size....

They don't.

You may wonder why web sites say they offer size 34A-38DD but yet, when you look for what you like they don't have your size in what they want. I know I wonder.

I had to shop by size, and it pulled up a few of their collections. The ones I clicked on wound up having my size highlighted in blue, but what erked me was that it was select collections. Not all.

Is that fair? Is it fair to only offer your size in select collections or patterns? Why not all? Doesn't their clothes depend on selling, so therefore they depend on us. Well, if they don't offer our size then don't they loose possible customers, as well as good business.

I get so frustrated shopping for bra's. Mainly because it's a little depressing when you can't buy the cute bra that you saw in the sales add.

Shopping for bra's is an ordeal, so much so that you have to shop online to find your size, even though it's a normal size. Do they really think all girls have itty bitty boobs, and if so WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Granted if we really wanted a bra we could probably go to Wal-Mart or Target. But would we be able to get the same quality?

I'm just wondering, and really wanting some cute bra's.

Dogs, cars and lieshes

Tonight, was one of THOSE nights. The one out of a million or so mundane nights that you've had before only this mundane night turned into something very different from what was expected.

After getting a surprise visit by one of my dear friends Zelda, we decided to go to the Dairy Queen and get a snack. She opted to take the dogs along. Since I had taken Daisy before, and I knew Minnie had done the same for Cindy, I figured why not. They would be tired by the time we got back anyway.

The walk there was uneventful, we got out ice cream and water, then we started out for home. That's when all hell broke loose so to speak.

Zelda had Cindy and I had Daisy and we were about to cross in the cross walk before the entrance to Taco Bell. That's when Cindy pulled out of he leash.

There was something in the road and Cindy jumped around it to see what it was and so did Zelda, by the time she realized that she no longer had her coller on, it was too late, Cindy was on the run.

We gave chase of Cindy, and I really thought she would stop. I figured she knew better being raised by Sarah.

She stopped for a moment in front of the boarded up Checkers, and I was only a few feet from her, and as I was about to grab her she took off.

We started running after her again, and mind you that I'm running in flip flops and Zelda's running in platforms.

There were some really nice people that tried to stop and help us corral Cindy. It almost worked, we had her blocked in by two cars, then she got through an opening...getting closer to the road...I ran after her after she got through the two cars trying to tap her in. Zelda was on the other side and I honestly thought our ordeal was almost over.

But remember, it was almost 10 o'clock at night on a Saturday on a very busy road in Jacksonville.

The next thing I know, Cindy had ran into traffic....

I heard Zelda yell for her, saw car's slamming on brakes and trying to stop, then I heard barking. I couldn't see what was happening...there were cars blocking my view, but the worse thing that could happen did happen...

She got hit by a car...then she turned around and barked at the car...like it was the cars fault for hitting her and she was showing her indignation of being hit by barking at it.

Once again she was off and running...I lost sight of her and I couldn't tell where she had gone. I didn't know if she would run back to my house or run back to her house which is in the same subdivision.

As Zelda and I are run/walking down a poorly lit road by the house, a really nice lady stopped and told us to get in...mind you I never take rides from strangers, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

She told us that she had been following Cindy and she saw two other guys running after her, so she turned around and came and picked us up.

As she turned into our Subdivision, I asked her to just drop us off at the beginning of our street, but Zelda said let's just ride around and see if we can find her. As we got a little further down the street, we could see that the two gentlemen had found her...at MY HOUSE!

When we pulled up to the house and I opened the garage door they were a little surprised to find out that she had ran all the way back to the house.

I finally had Cindy stopped we put her coller on and led her back into the house...of course saying thank you to the two gentlemen who took the time to help us.

The thing I didn't realize was that Cindy was bleeding...all over the place. Not bad, but she had cut up the pads of her paws from running on the pavement. I tried to calm her down once we got in the house but she just kept panting. Next thing you know, Zelda, Cindy and I are on our way to the Clay County Animal Emergency Room.

After a two hour visit and some powerful drugs later Cindy is on her way back to being the same 'ole pain in the rear dog...I'm just hoping that Minnie finally takes my advice and gets her a harness.

That way she can't slip out of collier and scare the hell out of anyone EVER again.

The only bad thing or hard thing was having to call Minnie and her sister to tell them what had happened. It was so hard to do, and I feel really horrible for what happened while she was here. It's safe to say I will NEVER dog sit again.

I feel awkward and a little reluctant when I talk to Minnie. This is two days after Cindy got hit by the car, and for me it's hard to face my friend. Even though she said it wasn't my fault and said I did the right thing, I feel like maybe she maybe a little mad at me. She may not say it but I feel like it's possible, even though she's an incredibly nice person, I think she's subject to the human emotion of madness.

Faith

Faith: What is it, and why do some of us tend to have more of it than others?

Me, I'm one of those that tends to have a lot faith in people and situations. Especially when it comes to my team. Curve Ball will tell me over and over again that Georgia will loose, and I say over and over again, no they wont. Why? Because I have faith in my team.

Sometimes I think I put to much faith in people. I guess I'm one of those people who chooses to see the good in people, or tries to see the good.

I have a lot of faith in my abilities, I just wish other people did too. People sell me short, don't give me enough credit, think I'm not good enough, or just think I'm stupid.

My co-workers and even my friends are guilty of not having faith in me or anything for that matter.

I'm the kind of person that wants to prove themselves. Prove that they can hang with the big boys, and play with big boy toys. But some people mistake that for being obstinate, when it's really just determination that drives me to finish my work, even when it's kicking my butt.

I also have faith in love. The love and bond that two people share despite the obstacles they must overcome in order to be. Most of all I have faith in me.