Monday, January 25, 2010


Fear is a gripping, non physical, emotional being that takes hold of us when we least expect it. It holds us down and keeps us hidden safe and sound inside our thin outer shells.

Fear is one of those things that shoves your head under the water and holds it there forever, expecting you to breath while your under. Never knowing that if you could you would, so you suffocate. You suffocate on fear.

For me fear holds me back from a things here and there. Especially when it concerns me and something that involves me.

I'm not generally afraid of many things, just emotional issues. I fear the answers I will get, and I fear being hurt.

Fear is also one of THOSE, that holds us back or knocks us down, expecting us to get down and stay down and not try and conquer over it.

I fear telling Mighty Mouse that I love him still, and that no matter what I just want to be with him. I fear telling Curve Ball that I enjoy hanging out with him, and spending time with him. I fear telling both of them that I'm an incredible person and if there not smart they will miss something tremendously wonderful (and it's not often that I toot my own horn like that).

Sometimes I fear that I'll never see Mighty Mouse again and that just kills me, sometimes I wish I could let him or tell him to read what I write here because this is all me with no hold backs, a lot of honesty and full emotional input.

But then again there's that fear thing coming back again, and it tells me not too because I don't know the out come of it. I'm one of those "WHY?" people. I tend to ask why a lot because I fear the unknown. Basically I'm a big 'ol freakin' scaredy cat.

How do we overcome fear? How do I face my fears, and face my fears alone? Once again there's that alone thing, and here's the fear that goes with it...I fear living the rest of my life alone, with no one to really share my life with. I was almost there, almost done with that fear, when everything came crashing down around me.

Fear is what holds me back from telling the people I care about how I really feel. I don't want to jeopardize my friendships or relationships with them, so I don't say a thing, and I watch them be happy, as I drive away wondering when it will be my turn.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I'm alone. I don't like it much, and it gets rather depressing at times, just sitting here watching TV or playing Mario Brothers by myself. But I don't think there's much I can do about it.

I'm a people person. Unlike some people in my family I do enjoy being around people. Granted, just like everyone I like my alone time too, but I've had enough of that to last me a long while.

Is it so much to ask for to have someone special in my life? I'm 25 for God sakes, and I'm a FREAKIN 'LONE! I don't know what the hell has gone so wrong that the people just give up on me with out even really trying. That's what I feel like at least. I feel like people give up on me before I or we've even had a chance at anything real.

I miss having someone there at night to talk to and share my thoughts with. With Mighty Mouse and I not talking much and him being out on the boat, I find myself missing him more and more. Although he would never know it. The few days that we spent together were some of the best.

Having someone to hold me close at night is something I miss as much as his voice and presence. Is it so much to ask for to have someone do that? Sometimes it hurts to see people so happy when I'm not. It hurts me to see people that have significant others so happy and here I am with no one.

What can I do, besides sit here and wait? I have no clue, I can't even tell Curve ball that I like spending time with him no matter how annoying or loud he gets. He also has a girl-friend, but that's hasn't stopped us from hanging out before, but now that he's back in town it is different.

I hate being alone.