Sunday, August 28, 2011

Feelings of failure

I hate failing. Especially when I try.

It gets to me when I fail, I don't like being a failure or the feeling or failing a test. I know I lack self confidence and maybe something else too. But I try hard and when I've taken my time looked up the answers and thought that I understood what the question asked and still I get it wrong. That's the lowest feeling on earth for me, besides rejection. I always failed when I was in school and I would always get grounded until I pulled my grades up. That and I would have to listen to Moms disappointment and embarrassment that she has a child that was failing English, the subject she taught.

Meteorology is not my cup of tea. I'm trying hard to understand the curriculum and what is being taught, and I really thought that I had gotten this section of the book about clouds and frost, but I didn't. I hate myself right now. I know it's not the end of the world, but to me it is. I try hard to get good grades, and I do the exact opposite of what I did when I was a kid. I actually turn off the TV so I wont have that as a distraction. the only noise that's going is the dryer, and the a/c blowing.

I'm not sure what I can do besides study more. I'm really trying to get focused in my classes right now. I'm very overwhelmed at the moment, and it just doesn't seem like the sun is going to come out any minute. I'm also trying to find a job and do my best to not spend as much money as I did before I got out. On one hand I save more because I'm not driving back and forth to Mayport all week, and therefore having to buy gas at least once a week. That's a savings of at least 50 dollars a week, but groceries...I do my best to spend 50 my budget was 75 but my goal is to always spend less to save more. The down side is 50 dollars doesn't buy much these days. My question is when is going to change for me? When are my efforts in school really going to pay off, and when am I going to feel like I don't fail every weekly test that is given in meteorology. I'm a deans list student now, and failure is just not an option for me. That's probably the one good thing the military teaches you is the fact that failure is not an option, you have to do your best every time to succeed, that's the only way that you can succeed is by trying your damnedest, and that's what I'm doing. It matter what, it just sucks.

I hate the feeling of failure

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Fear again

I know I have talked about fear before, and the fact that it is the one thing that wants to shove your head under water and keep in there, while you do all you can to push up and grasp a tiny breath. In my life, i have a lot of fear. Why? I'm not entirely sure, in my honest opinion, i have beliefs but that may or may not be why.

What brings this topic up again is Zelda. Zelda has just recently been divorced from her husband of two years. Of those two years that they were married, I would say only about nine months to a year were actually spend co-habitating. They had been living together before they were married when they were both stationed in Virginia, but when the got married she was stationed here in Jax, and he was still up in VA. It is sad to say the it was doomed from the beginning.

Zelda has (in my opinion) had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that her marriage had ended or was ending. The whole time they were separated she kept wearing her ring, and she was already seeing someone else. Most people would have said that they were already divorced or separated and may or may not have worn there ring, such as she did. She has always felt throughout everything that she was still married. But that is her attitude towards her situation.

Although she has moved on and found a wonderful man who adores her and has waited for her, and would go to the ends of the earth for her, she is a little afraid. I don't blame her, I mean I would be too. As much as they both want a life together, they have spent the past six months apart. Zelda is back in Texas, and Ducky (sa copine) is in Virginia. She has gotten into a routine down there and she's afraid that everything that she felt for him might not still be there.

We had a nice long talk about that. It is a little scary when you are away from your significant other for such a long period of time, and after a while you have a routine without them, so when you think about including them in your routine again, it's a bit scary. You don't know what will happen when they are included into the routine again, but unless you let go of the tree and walk out on that limb, you'll never know what could have been. Don't let fear win! The moment it has won, it will do all it can to keep you from ever coming back up again.

I told Zelda that she should trust her feelings and not the fear. She would like to get married and have kids as much as Ducky does, but she's afraid. Mainly because of the ex-hubby. I told her to not only trust what he has said to her, look at his actions. Ducky does his best to include her into the major decisions of his life. He's currently looking for orders, and asked her where he thinks "they" should go. He want to go over seas, but she said she can't follow him overseas because they are not married yet, and she keeps putting it off.

Zelda has admitted that she's afraid, but then again I told her to think of his (Ducky's) parents, they talk to you and adore you and already consider you family. Did the ex-hubby family do that? Mmm, his brother and maybe a few others, but not his Mom. That woman, did not like Zelda at all. And when she asked his mom for help during their difficult time, she ignored her and blew her off, believing that her son would never put his hands on a woman.

Zelda thanked me for being "enlightening" I hoe she was sincere, I believer her to be but I'm unsure of most everything. Sometimes, it takes an outsider to talk to you and with you, so you can get a better perspective on how things could be. Sometimes that person winds up being one of your best friends that does what they can for you, and even if you yell at them, they are still there to back you up.

I'm not sure what Zelda will do. It breaks my heart to think she doubts what she feels. I told her that they are the perfect match for each other because they do their best to communicate and include each other in their daily lives. We both agreed that never happened with the ex. It was always what he wanted to do, and not what they wanted to do. Relationships have to be a give and take. One person can't give all and the other person can't take all. Some relationships do that, but then where do they end up?

I'm hoping that by talking to her and being their to listen as well as dish out my opinion as we have always done, that I have helped her in some way. The man she is in love with is a great big 'ol teddy bear, he was raised by some great parents, and raised by a military father, which in my opinion again, has helped shape him into the kind and generous man that he is. I consider Ducky my brother. He became part of my extended family when Zelda brought him to movie night one night, because he was the new guy in the shop. I consider him as on of the girls, and a great friend to have. I look forward to the day that he and Zelda finally get married. Once that happens, and the ducklings start to come, they will truly be the most deliriously happy people I know.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


When I say Chemistry I'm not talking about the science of chemistry I'm talking about the chemistry that may or may not exist between two people.

I was talking with one of my friends today and they were talking about the chemistry that they had just discovered between them and someone she new, but barley. Has anyone else ever found that they have an amazing chemistry with someone, and that the moment that person walks in the room, anyone and everyone that is in the room can just fell the tension between the two of you?

When she began talking about her newly found chemistry, I thought about Mighty Mouse and the chemistry that we had together. It was something that I had never had up until that point. Also, I had never thought that in a million years I would meet someone so incredible and funny on a boat floating around in the middle of the Gulf. Chemistry between two people is something that is unexpected but a major WOW factor. It can have a good and also a bod effect on you. The effect will on you will not be known until it's happened.

 It's gotten to the point where I do my best NOT to think about him. I'm doing my best to move past that point in my life, and just keep on chugging forth. I met him during my first Mediterranean slash Gulf deployment. I had been working in the HAZMAT supply office and it was my job one day to "tag" the line to make sure no one else came and got in line, so we could all go eat lunch.

It just so happens that it was the very day he was the last one in line. We wound up hitting it off right away, talking and laughing, just having a great time. That's when the sparks of chemistry started to fly. I guess you could say that we were one of those people that instantly find chemistry together. We were lucky to have found each other.

The chemistry that we had together was amazing, and I loved every minute of it. If I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. It was an amazing ride.

What happened to the chemistry and what happened between us? Well, that is another story for another day, you'll just have to check back to see what else their is.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

In a haze and funk

It has been a rough few weeks, and days. Sometimes, it seems as if the dreariness that I fell will never end and go away. Things have not been going that great for me since my stint on active duty has ended. My mood has been really somber, and very much teetering on the edge of endless tears. The frustration and the emptiness of my current predicament weighs heavy on my mind as well as shoulders.

It is not easy for someone like me that comes off active duty to come to terms with the fact that, after years of a constant motion of duty, I have to start all over again, and that means starting off at the bottom. When I entered the military eight years ago I had worked my way up from earning minimum wake of 5.50 an hour to 7.75.

Now a days the minimum wage IS what I was making then. It is hard trying to come to terms with it, as well as the pressure that comes with the searching of jobs. When you are on your way out of the military they really do not prepare you enough (in my opinion) for the obstacles that you will face, once you are on the outside. Although, I'm not sure what they could do differently to better prepare us for the outside.

It is never a fun time when the darkness begins to envelop me and threaten to take me down. A lot of times, it will take me a few days to slowly come out of it a begin to feel better. Mostly it's thanks in part to my friends and my dog that help bring me out of the haze. Mostly I make my self suffer because it is just me here. I'm not as lucky as some people that have someone to go home to.

Now that I don't have a constant day-to-day interaction with co-workers, I have a lacking of social comfort. School does not count because I only talk to them once a week. My friends have busy lives, especially Minnie. Sometimes I don't know how that girl does what she does...but somehow, she does it with grace and a warm smile. It does get very lonely not having someone to go on new adventures with. Evil twin and Zelda are in Corpus Christi, Ducky is in Virginia along with Chiana, Alex is a new mom, and doesn't share the same spirit as I do. They all have separate lives and I miss them all. These individual people became my family over the years.

Thanks to them all, I don't know where I would be without them!

It's hard to push away the darkness, especially when you are someone like me that internalizes everything. As much as I do need help, I want to be able to make it on my own. When I was growing up, I never wanted to ask for help for fear of being though of stupid. It takes a lot still for me to ask for help, mainly because as previously stated, I want to do it on my own. The thing that I have to realize is, I do need help, and there are people or a person to help...Mom. She may not be fully aware of how I feel but she does try to help me.

To those who have someone to go home to every night, that has someone to hug them at the end of the day, and tell them that everything is going to be ok. Please, be thankful, no matter what that you do have that someone there to support you. Me, I just have Daisy to go home to, and sleep with, and sometimes that just isn't enough. Everyone tells me that I'll eventually find someone, but I don't feel it.

Finding a way out of the haze is an every day battle, no matter who you are. I do my best to be an up-beat and happy person, but when the world feels like it's going to crash down around me, that's the moment that I feel despair and sink to the inside. I am my own worse enemy, I am harder on myself than other people are, and I berate myself for than anyone could imagine. To me if I do something wrong, or mess up on something it's ten times worse. No one could possibly do worse than myself.

It is never a fun spot to be in, the haze. If anyone out there goes through it if they ever need someone to talk to my inbox is always open. The dark and haze is not the place to be, I have to make myself get out more even though I'm almost afraid to.The moral of my story tonight is, it is never easy starting over. Thar's all for tonight, my darling Dizzy (Daisy) is ready to go up-stairs and go to bed, and my hip is bothering my again, so the pain is making me bid you adieu until tomorrow.