Feelings of failure

I hate failing. Especially when I try.

It gets to me when I fail, I don't like being a failure or the feeling or failing a test. I know I lack self confidence and maybe something else too. But I try hard and when I've taken my time looked up the answers and thought that I understood what the question asked and still I get it wrong. That's the lowest feeling on earth for me, besides rejection. I always failed when I was in school and I would always get grounded until I pulled my grades up. That and I would have to listen to Moms disappointment and embarrassment that she has a child that was failing English, the subject she taught.

Meteorology is not my cup of tea. I'm trying hard to understand the curriculum and what is being taught, and I really thought that I had gotten this section of the book about clouds and frost, but I didn't. I hate myself right now. I know it's not the end of the world, but to me it is. I try hard to get good grades, and I do the exact opposite of what I did when I was a kid. I actually turn off the TV so I wont have that as a distraction. the only noise that's going is the dryer, and the a/c blowing.

I'm not sure what I can do besides study more. I'm really trying to get focused in my classes right now. I'm very overwhelmed at the moment, and it just doesn't seem like the sun is going to come out any minute. I'm also trying to find a job and do my best to not spend as much money as I did before I got out. On one hand I save more because I'm not driving back and forth to Mayport all week, and therefore having to buy gas at least once a week. That's a savings of at least 50 dollars a week, but groceries...I do my best to spend 50 my budget was 75 but my goal is to always spend less to save more. The down side is 50 dollars doesn't buy much these days. My question is when is going to change for me? When are my efforts in school really going to pay off, and when am I going to feel like I don't fail every weekly test that is given in meteorology. I'm a deans list student now, and failure is just not an option for me. That's probably the one good thing the military teaches you is the fact that failure is not an option, you have to do your best every time to succeed, that's the only way that you can succeed is by trying your damnedest, and that's what I'm doing. It just....sucks...no matter what, it just sucks.

I hate the feeling of failure