Saturday, April 25, 2009

Not ok...

I'm not ok, and I can pretend all I want that I am but I know that I'm not. I don't want anyone to see me or know how hurt I really am. I don't know what to do, I'm at a loss and very very frustrated. Sometimes when I think of the great times we had together I wonder why and how we got here to this point. I don't understand it I really don't and talking about it doesn't even help it just makes me even more frustrated because I can't do anything about it, not matter how hard I try I can't. I'm so hurt no one can understand and I really don't want advice form people, I just don't know what to do. I think now about how his friends must be really happy that he's gotten rid of me and his family too. His family never even met me and is probably glad that were no longer together. He meant so much to me and I can't even tell him, it's like we never meant anything to each other, and I almost wish I had never met him, never fallen in love with him, never seen him again. I can say again and again how confused and I don't understand how this happened, but it doesn't do anything. I loved him so much, and I just want to understand this, I want to know what I should do, but no one can tell me that. Part of me just wants to hurt him so bad for hurting me to understand how I feel. He's always been the one I could talk to and now I can't even talk to him. The other part wants to just put him in box and forget, I just want to forget everything so I don't have to feel this way. I want to send everything he ever gave me back to him, hurt him. But I really don't want to, I just want to understand, I just want to talk to him and I NEVER GOING TO GET THAT!!!! I'm so tired, I'm tired of talking about it and I'm tired of thinking, I miss him though and I just wish I had never met him.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Curve ball

Just when you think that things can't get anymore complicated than they already are, you get thrown a curve ball. So, my curve ball comes from one of my friends. Naturally. This is the one friend that I haven't talked to that much in months. Probably due to the fact that he had a girl-friend, I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. My phone goes off at 3:30 this morning and I'm hoping that it's my guy, but in the back of my mind I know it's not before I even look at the phone. There's only one person I know of that will text me that early in the morning. He starts off saying he's not in a mood right now. Naturally I'm a little confused, I know he doesn't accidentally text me anything. Then the other one said that he needed someone to talk to. Well at that point I'm awake so I bite, I asked him what's up, and he goes on to say that he's told his girl-friend to leave to go back to her parents house, and that he's really worried about going IA and not seeing his son for a year. Mostly he doesn't want his son to grow up with out a father. I told him he wasn't dead, so he's not going to grow up without him. He just has to go away for a little while then he gets to come back and be with him. He tells me that I understand him, and I've been the only one that he has trusted with a lot of things and he just needs to talk to me. His girl just doesn't understand and is no help to him. He said he moved back to the other side of the river for a reason he doesn't know but he missed having me near. Go figure ya know! He says he wants to be next to me, he needs someone to hold. I'm a little taken aback by what he says, I can't believe this is coming from him of all people. Then he said he liked having me there before, and it's just something for me to know. We continue to talk for a little while longer until I ask if he really needs to talk to someone in person, and if so I'll come get him, since he didn't want to drive. We meet at ihop and talk for another hour or so, then we came back to my house and crashed. It was nice I'll admit to have someone in the house with me, but it's just not the same as with Him. Being with Might Mouse is incredible, I love it when he would hold me close, the sound of his breathing, and just knowing that he was beside me was an incredible feeling. I'm very devoted to that man, and I'm not ready to give up, or to give it all up without a second glance. He's the love of my life, and I'm nothing without him. I don't know what I'm going to do about my curve ball, I'm not with and I'm not without my guy. The only thing I know to do is to be a friend and that's all, that's all I can be. I will just keep looking for Orion, maybe he'll help us find each other again.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Never knowing the right thing to do.

Sometimes I never know what the right thing to do is. As far as trying to work things out without seeming pushy or crazy. I tend to over analyze, and fret about what I've written or said. Did I do the right thing my telling him why I deleted him? Did I do the right thing by emailing him to talk about it a little more in depth? That's one of the many things I get so irritated with about myself. There are times when I'm the strong one, and can fight for what I want, but then there are those times when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then the other half of the time I get absorbed in worrying about the future I loose the present, and add to the sabotaging of my relationship with the love of my life. As I was sitting there talking to my friend Minnie last night, she told me to be strong and had faith that we could still work through things and remain together. She was right last time, so I trust her judgment. But, as we were talking about what had happened, and why, I told her about the myspace bashing, and how I think a part of us loosing ourselves was due to the fact that his friends were in the house. Now, that may not seem like a real problem, but when you're doing the guy a favor by letting him stay there because he's gotten in trouble and your place is only 5 min from base versus 30 min, and you still try to talk to your girlfriend that's a thousand miles away, and talk to her normally it gets a little tough in my opinion. They guy and his girl were only going to be there for a week or so to watch after his place while he went to Texas at the end of February, well a week turned into about a month. It got harder and harder to talk to him when he wasn't alone or in his room. He would be out in the house talking to me then he would be in the same room, and the guy and his girl would begin to talk to him, then he would try and talk to them to answer whatever they were saying. There were times when I had to ask for him to call me back because it was hard to understand who he was talking to or what he was talking about. Then he would go out to eat with them and call me, and still try and talk to them. I would get so frustrated, because it's hard enough to have one conversation over the phone, but to try and have 3 conversations while on the phone gets a little tough. Yes, I would get a little aggravated but with all due cause. I think that when you have guest invited or over extended guests it can cause problems with anyone. Things were good before they came and stayed, then things got more difficult. I don't know if I'm right or not. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hurting of the heart and the pain of myspace

How do you go on when your heart has been broken into a million little pieces? Where do you find the strength to go on after so long? I have been in love with the most increadable man for the past five years of my life. I met him when I went out on my first six month gulf deployment. He was waiting on divorce papers, and I was just trying to get by. We began to talk to each other more and hang out on occasion and go to dinner on the mess decks. Before we knew it, we had fallen for each other, then again before we knew it the divorce papers had changed her mind, so he did the honnorable thing and tried to work things out, and stay for the sake of his son. We remained close friends and talked when we could. There was a period of absolutly no communication between us until recently, when I decided to email him just to say happy birthday. A few months after that communication between us began to increase and we were like two pees in a pod again. Talking, laughing and having a lot of fun with each other. Then finally one day he writes to tell me that he's made his desicion, he was going to get divorced. Seperate for now, then file the papers when he got back off deployment. I couldn't believe it after all the years of seeing other people and never having the same feeling that I had with him, and after him wanting to be with me for as long we were finally going to have our opportunity. Things were great for us they really were. We got to see each other for the fist time in years and it was an amazing time. Being able to be with him and fall asleep next to him, was the most amazing thing in the world to me. He had told me he wanted to marry me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me being happy and loving me. He even called me the his future wife. Then from out of no where (or at least to me) things changed. He's telling me we weren't meant to be, that he met someone and only knew them for 25 minutes and he felt something different for them that he'd never felt for me. That hurt more than you know, more than anyone could fathom. The man you love, the one you had planned to marry telling you it's over before it's even had a chance to really bolossom. We agreed to start over and take a step back, but I didn't anticipate my words to him comming back to haunt me in the form of his friends attacking me on myspace. All of a sudden the own your friends application isn't that fun anymore becuase the man you love, his message on own your friends reads that his female friend thinks he shouldn't be owned by a crazy b****. Then today it was changed again to his female friend and her husband jumping on the band wagon of calling me that. I deleted him, and it hurt, I took his picture off my computer and it hurt worse. I don't like the way I feel at the moment, I never thought I would be attacked on myspace like that or be hurt in this way by people who don't even know me. I feel like a zombie, I'm just trying to go on day by day, all the while hurting and not understanding what happened, why after five years of wanting to be with a person you throw it away in a matter of hours for no real reason. You can say it's because I was acting like the ex or because I got mad at something stupid you did and you got mad at me for something i did. To me your friends or our friends need to stay out of our relationship and let it be just us. They shouldn't bee the big influence on what happens or what you do, they should be there to give advice and support but not to attack. I'm walking around a former version of myself. I feel numb, confused, and really hurt. I never wanted to shut him out of my life, but I think I may just have to do that. I have loved him for so long and he's be my best friend through out everything, it's going to be hard not having him again. The funniest thing is, after everything I still love him and I still miss him.