The Lime Light...

For me, being in the lime light is not a good thing. Well, it is but it isn't. Most people love the spotlight and enjoy the attention that they get. NOT ME!

I'm probably one of those rare people who do not like having anything focused on them for more than just a few minutes.

The reason for that is because the moment something good like that happens, and the moment after that when you make a mistake...there are a gazillion fingers pointing at you, criticizing, and basically saying you failed, you didn't deserve to have that good thing happen to you. You're a failure.

That then leads to the embarrassment of forgetting something as simple as not remembering to check to make the air was turned on, having to ask for help, and being looked down upon because you had to ask.

Humiliation and embarrassment at failing and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability is not the most pleasant of feelings, I don't enjoy feeling that way at all.

I'm very lost at this moment. I'm lost in a lot of things, and I don't know which way to go, I need help and be show they way out, but I guess I will have to struggle a little longer in order to claw my way out. Let's just hope I survive.

Curve ball

Just when you think that things can't get anymore complicated than they already are, you get thrown a curve ball. So, my curve ball comes from one of my friends. Naturally. This is the one friend that I haven't talked to that much in months. Probably due to the fact that he had a girl-friend, I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. My phone goes off at 3:30 this morning and I'm hoping that it's my guy, but in the back of my mind I know it's not before I even look at the phone. There's only one person I know of that will text me that early in the morning. He starts off saying he's not in a mood right now. Naturally I'm a little confused, I know he doesn't accidentally text me anything. Then the other one said that he needed someone to talk to. Well at that point I'm awake so I bite, I asked him what's up, and he goes on to say that he's told his girl-friend to leave to go back to her parents house, and that he's really worried about going IA and not seeing his son for a year. Mostly he doesn't want his son to grow up with out a father. I told him he wasn't dead, so he's not going to grow up without him. He just has to go away for a little while then he gets to come back and be with him. He tells me that I understand him, and I've been the only one that he has trusted with a lot of things and he just needs to talk to me. His girl just doesn't understand and is no help to him. He said he moved back to the other side of the river for a reason he doesn't know but he missed having me near. Go figure ya know! He says he wants to be next to me, he needs someone to hold. I'm a little taken aback by what he says, I can't believe this is coming from him of all people. Then he said he liked having me there before, and it's just something for me to know. We continue to talk for a little while longer until I ask if he really needs to talk to someone in person, and if so I'll come get him, since he didn't want to drive. We meet at ihop and talk for another hour or so, then we came back to my house and crashed. It was nice I'll admit to have someone in the house with me, but it's just not the same as with Him. Being with Might Mouse is incredible, I love it when he would hold me close, the sound of his breathing, and just knowing that he was beside me was an incredible feeling. I'm very devoted to that man, and I'm not ready to give up, or to give it all up without a second glance. He's the love of my life, and I'm nothing without him. I don't know what I'm going to do about my curve ball, I'm not with and I'm not without my guy. The only thing I know to do is to be a friend and that's all, that's all I can be. I will just keep looking for Orion, maybe he'll help us find each other again.