Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Lime Light...

For me, being in the lime light is not a good thing. Well, it is but it isn't. Most people love the spotlight and enjoy the attention that they get. NOT ME!

I'm probably one of those rare people who do not like having anything focused on them for more than just a few minutes.

The reason for that is because the moment something good like that happens, and the moment after that when you make a mistake...there are a gazillion fingers pointing at you, criticizing, and basically saying you failed, you didn't deserve to have that good thing happen to you. You're a failure.

That then leads to the embarrassment of forgetting something as simple as not remembering to check to make the air was turned on, having to ask for help, and being looked down upon because you had to ask.

Humiliation and embarrassment at failing and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability is not the most pleasant of feelings, I don't enjoy feeling that way at all.

I'm very lost at this moment. I'm lost in a lot of things, and I don't know which way to go, I need help and be show they way out, but I guess I will have to struggle a little longer in order to claw my way out. Let's just hope I survive.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Facing the music

Strike up the band, and tell the "Fat Lady" to start warming up her vocals, because I think I'm dunzo...

I don't foresee my life getting any better, I mean it's not bad but it's not complete. Personally...I think I'm never going to truly get what I want from life. It's an understood fact that life is complicated and you don't always get what you want, but have you ever wanted to say "enough is enough, I deserve to have a something I want out of life?"

I'm in my mid 20's and I just don't feel as if I will ever get married, have a kid, you know, the whole nine yards. For a moment in time I thought I had it, and then...it was gone.

My career is coming to an end I just don't know on whose terms is going to be on, mine or theirs.

Politics, mean spirited, no leadership skills type people are trying my nerves to the point where I just...I just...I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say ef it, I'm done I'm done with it all. I hate feeling like an idiot, and forgetting things in a sequence. i don't mean to forget things but I do, a fair amount.

When people leave me hangin' and aide in me feeling like a complete ass, it makes me want to scream. That feeling is the worse one in the world, it ranks right up their with heart break with me. It's enough of a feeling to make me want to crawl in a hole and disappear, and the other half of it, is it makes my face turn and embarrassing shade of red. I think out of shame and humiliation, that sometimes when I don't want to mess up and make a mistake...I do.

Seriously, I'm wondering what else I will be hit with in the remainder of the year...this sucks...I'm tired of failing, and tired of when ever it seems that something good is going to happen, BOOM...a black cloud descends and rains it all away.

Facing the music is ridiculous, absurd, and just a pain...eventually I'll learn that everyone else in the world gets to have the life I want. A marriage, and a family...that's something I'll never have, and eventually I'll realize that.