Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I'm probably one of those rare people who do not like having anything focused on them for more than just a few minutes.
The reason for that is because the moment something good like that happens, and the moment after that when you make a mistake...there are a gazillion fingers pointing at you, criticizing, and basically saying you failed, you didn't deserve to have that good thing happen to you. You're a failure.
That then leads to the embarrassment of forgetting something as simple as not remembering to check to make the air was turned on, having to ask for help, and being looked down upon because you had to ask.
Humiliation and embarrassment at failing and not being able to perform my job to the best of my ability is not the most pleasant of feelings, I don't enjoy feeling that way at all.
I'm very lost at this moment. I'm lost in a lot of things, and I don't know which way to go, I need help and be show they way out, but I guess I will have to struggle a little longer in order to claw my way out. Let's just hope I survive.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I don't foresee my life getting any better, I mean it's not bad but it's not complete. Personally...I think I'm never going to truly get what I want from life. It's an understood fact that life is complicated and you don't always get what you want, but have you ever wanted to say "enough is enough, I deserve to have a something I want out of life?"
I'm in my mid 20's and I just don't feel as if I will ever get married, have a kid, you know, the whole nine yards. For a moment in time I thought I had it, and then...it was gone.
My career is coming to an end I just don't know on whose terms is going to be on, mine or theirs.
Politics, mean spirited, no leadership skills type people are trying my nerves to the point where I just...I just...I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say ef it, I'm done I'm done with it all. I hate feeling like an idiot, and forgetting things in a sequence. i don't mean to forget things but I do, a fair amount.
When people leave me hangin' and aide in me feeling like a complete ass, it makes me want to scream. That feeling is the worse one in the world, it ranks right up their with heart break with me. It's enough of a feeling to make me want to crawl in a hole and disappear, and the other half of it, is it makes my face turn and embarrassing shade of red. I think out of shame and humiliation, that sometimes when I don't want to mess up and make a mistake...I do.
Seriously, I'm wondering what else I will be hit with in the remainder of the year...this sucks...I'm tired of failing, and tired of when ever it seems that something good is going to happen, BOOM...a black cloud descends and rains it all away.
Facing the music is ridiculous, absurd, and just a pain...eventually I'll learn that everyone else in the world gets to have the life I want. A marriage, and a family...that's something I'll never have, and eventually I'll realize that.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Then why is it that I am seemingly failing at every turn? Is it me or is it my surroundings?
That's the question I ask myself on a daily bases...there used to be so many aspects of my job that I liked, but they have fallen by the way side recently.
There were so many good, great, and even better day's at my last command. But then again, there were bad days too. The thing is, the bad didn't out weigh the good, and everyone around there had your back no matter what. We were a family. We worked together, we lived together, we drank together, and yes, we even fought together. But that's what happens when you spend a majority of your day with the people you work with, that's the way you become.
To me, now...I work in a hostel unhealthy, chauvinistic driven environment. I have no leadership what so ever and it's very frustrating. I've been in for almost 8 years now, and this is the worst I have ever seen. You know that it's bad when the people that write you up don't have the full story, don't care if they do or don't there the buddy of your LPO, they go out and drink with them, and party with them and get away with EVERYTHING!!!
No matter how hard you try to do your job well, at some point you wind up failing.
I don't like that at all...I don't think people should aide in your failing, they should help you succeed, but they don't. I'm running on thin ice, no matter what I don't know what to do besides keep trying. The thing is, I'm tired of failing at trying. Everyone has a breaking point, and I get shoved towards mine on a daily bases.
When do you or when do I throw in the towel? When is enough, enough? Why is it that I tend to be "The one" the one who gets blamed, the one who seemingly finds herself in trouble...no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to succeed.
Friday, July 2, 2010
My answer: Yes, I have.
You might be wondering why on earth someone would be afraid or fear going to work...well I'll explain.
I work with a bunch of adolescent, juvenile males...who think they are quite possibly gods in their own right. I work with a couple of females too one's not so bad the other gets on my last nerve, but that's besides the point. These males that I work with are not the most cooperative of people and a few are not even good leaders and they have been into a leadership position.
Still you're wondering, Why is she afraid?
I'm afraid of what they will blame on my next on how much trouble I will be in because I'm not there to defend myself, nor is their anyone else in that shop that will defend me. If something is not going the way it's supposed to, they do their best to find an escape goat...so therefore I'm it.
I went on vacation, a real vacation to me for two weeks, and I knew something would go wrong while I was gone and I would pay the price...I was right.
I'm not perfect by any means, and I don't pretend to be. I do my best to my job to the best of my ability but lately it's become to much and I want out. My program at work that I'm in charge of is training. That's monitoring at least 25 peoples qualifications and doing my best to stay on top of it but it's more difficult than people realize.
The people I work with are very critical of pretty much anything I do. I've been accused of being critical too, but I've never made someone feel as if they don't matter or that their just a walking piece of crap. My good friend Red says it should be "water off a ducks back" it's getting there but it still makes me so mad, that no matter how hard I try, to them I always seem to fail.
When I went to work in the morning I was already dreading it, maybe you could say I brought the animosity on to myself with the dread of going to work. The moment I walked into the shop and tried to start getting my "ducks in a row" I got bitched at and blamed.
They had already blamed me for causing them to work Saturday, and criticized me for trying to get my alternate his multiple views in our training program temporally taken away, so that he couldn't go in there and delete some of his qualifications. Maybe I was in the wrong, but the girl in maint admin who threw me under the bus, well let's just say I will not be talking to her any time soon...she should've learned her lesson the first time she threw someone under the bus.
When our extremely annoying jack-ass of a second class that likes to THINK he's a LEADER came in he automatically started b!*&^ing me out...why I don't understand or know. But he starts yelling at me as if I've done something wrong. Saying that I can't sit in the shop and work on my program anymore, since the girl I can't stand worked on my program for me until 9 one evening...gee how many off duty hours has she ever put in?
I say "No biggie, I can't come in and work on it during the weekend" and he then he gets his panties in an even bigger bunch and yells "it is a big deal, she stayed here 'till 9 one night, you have to work late or something you can't work on it during the day."
Now, who died and made him a Master Chief?
It was all down hill from there although one of my good friend Giggles tried to cheer me up with a fried twinki, and some of his home made gumbo. Which was very good and he said he would make more just for me.
The other part of the blame game was they were saying that the stuff they needed to scan in (which I'm still wondering what they needed to scan since we had everything scanned in already) was at my house. I'm still a little confused at who started THAT one, considering the binder that has all the paperwork was in the cabinet above my desk. Makes you wonder did they even TRY to LOOK!?!?
When I came in I had looked for my binder because I had other things to put in there but it wasn't on my desk, and when I asked Princesses (the girl I can't stand) that's when I was informed for the second time that day that I had the binder at my house...because that's what someone said...honestly does anyone look anymore? All I had to do was move some binder's around in the cabinet above my desk and there it was, granted not where I had left it, but it was still in the shop...
Nothing will appease these angry gods who have a really big stick up their butts. I hate going to work because I just know I'll get in trouble for something or another...I'm afraid of getting in trouble for stupid stuff that I have no control over. Mountains out of mole hills has lost it's appeal.
I've got less than a year left and I want out of that hostel environment out the shop and out of the command.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I've been staying with my Cousin Gouzetta and her husband, he's stationed here in San Diego. Where they live, it's so beautiful! They live in an area that is surrounded by mountains and it's such a breathtaking view and it is such a big difference as far as heat goes too. I'm from the South and I live in Florida so I am very much used to the extreme humidity and tipple digit temperatures. I get here and it's COOL!!! I can't believe the difference but it's really nice.
Were going to go to Hollywood tomorrow, and I'm very excited! I've always wanted to go, not only that but were also going to Madame Tussuad's Wax Museum, and there they have many celebrities but the one I want to see the most is Vivien Lee as Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With the Wind...she's wearing the green drapes dress, oh I can't wait.
The only down side to being here besides missing my baby girl Daisy is WORK! It's not that I miss work, I really don't miss work, that's why I took time off. It's the fact that no matter where I go I can't escape work, people I work with, and being blamed for something beyond my control.
It is such an aggravation getting a call at 1230 in the morning to answer a question. They have no respect for me and no respect for time either.
It's not cool to go on to my Facebook and see that I'm being blamed and harassed because they think it's my fault that they have to work the weekend, when I know that it is because there are numerous programs that need to be worked on and we don't have the time to work on them during the work day, so sadly when that happens before a big inspection we have to go into work.
When you go onto someones Facebook and post something like that on their wall for everyone to see, that's when and where I draw the line. My Facebook is there for me and my friends to talk to each other and keep in touch, it's not there for SOME people who think their still in high school to pull stupid stunts like that. Granted, I know they don't care but I deleted these people from my account, granted that one already had and saved me the trouble, but still.
Sometime I really don't get it. I don't get why people act the way they do, not only that but why the act a certain way towards certain people. What is it that drives them to do that? I guess that's a question that will forever be unanswered. It's also another reason why I want to get out. People have told me time and time again don't let this place determine your future in the Navy considering that I did that before, this time it's different. I'm done, and I really don't care anymore. I've tried to do everything right but I've failed. My command failed me, and so has the Navy.
I'm not sure of what else to say besides I'm done. I'm done being a victim if that's what I am, and I'm done being the punching bag slash escape goat. It's a little sad but I'm ready for a new adventure, I'm ready for my life to really begin.
Monday, May 31, 2010
There are some things that the Navy does that does not make a lot of sense to anyone but the one who is making the rules up. One of their wacky ideas is giving us a standardized test to see if we can advance.
I've probably talked about it before but I think it's one of the most retarded ideas out there.
To me it's not understandable to evaluate whether or not some one is ready for advancement on how well they can take a test. Some people honestly have a difficult time taking test but does that mean they can not advance to the next pay grade? If you ask me, I would say NO!!!
Some people have that kind of smarts to take a test and pass it with flying colors, but that does not say if this person is ready for the responsibility of a leadership position. Besides the fact that the test that we take are difficult if you don't or haven't ever worked on a fixed wing aircraft or for what we call AIMD which stands for Aircraft Intermediate Maintenance Department.
Basically what the Navy has done is shot themselves in the foot. What I mean by that is, the Navy had overmanned itself and it can't seem to "pay" for all of us anymore. So what they are doing or have done is to create "hired teenier" and that means after a certain amount of years at one pay grade if you don't advance to the next, then your out. Granted with a nice separation bonus of about 30k but still.
I am an Airframer, and my rate is damn near completely locked up, and the Navy has only just begun to push people out, and it's looking like I may be one of the ones that gets forced out. Which is fairly ridiculous. Since when is it smarter to kick people out that want to be there and keep people that really don't want to be there.
September is my last hope of getting advanced and if I don't, I'm not sure what will be next for me. If I do make Second Class I'm not sure if I will stay in or not. I'm at the point now where I'm almost tired of it all. That and since I have Daisy now, I don't want to go out on a long deployment and have to leave her with Mom. Although Mom wouldn't mind so to speak, I would. I hate imposing on others as well as having to depend on them for some things.
I guess the good thing about being in the Navy has been the places I've gone and the people that I have met, after all I did meet Mighty Mouse on my first deployment, and nothing could beat that experience, no matter what happens.
It's taught me who I am and who I want to be. I am a colorful person, who loves life and culture. I want to have a job that helps people. Maybe even a web designer. I'm a very creative person, and I would like to have the opportunity to fully explore that side of me. After all, I would still be helping people, just making a little bit more money for it.
The down side is, I don't know what I would do for health care, dental, or how I would pay for my mortgage. There are a lot of I don't knows that are still out there, and I don't know where the answer may lie. My career in the Navy has been good and not so good. I loved my job a long time ago, and now...I'm not sure if I do anymore. I'm ready to see the world how I want to see it. Be in charge of myself and do what I want without fear of getting in trouble. I hate fear, and hate fearing the unknown.
That's why I'm back at square one. I don't know where my future lies anymore. Guess sometime after September exam results come out in December I'll find out.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
After all, enough is enough.
It's hard for me. The hardest it's been in the past 6 years. Granted my last command drove me up the wall, but I never felt stupid. I had a lot of respect from my co-workers, and I didn't second guess myself as much as I do now.
The main reason it's so hard for me is because I'm not as up to par with my co-workers. They have the advantage of always been in the shop, always worked in their rate. Me? Ha! In the last 7 years this is what I've done.
- Worked in 1st LT for a year
- Went TAD on the boat for 6 months during my first deployment
- Spent 2 years in the Line Shack
- Worked 2 years in Corrosion
Then when I got to my shop at my current command I spent about 3 months or so actually working in my rate before I had to take a break from it and work on training on the computer.
I've only been working "Hard Core" Airframes stuff for the past couple of months. I'm trying, but it's not going very well. People talk to me like I'm stupid, treat me with no respect, and act like they should be given the respect they don't show me.
Mostly I don't get it! Why is it so hard for me to understand? Am I really not cut out to do this job after all? Maybe it's just the fact that I've never actually worked in my rate for very long, or it could be I just don't have very good leaders as far as supervisors go.
It stresses me out, and makes me feel like crap. I try to make myself feel better by remind myself that I haven't been doing this as long as they have, but at least I'm trying. Or at least I THINK I'm trying...it's eventually gotta come down to me becoming def to them or to something. It's a hard decision to make when you know there's something better out there as far as the Navy goes, but you can't get there because someone wasn't paying attention to your career and you got screwed out of orders to a new command by three months.
Granted that I was paying attention but I didn't know there was some new rule that came out and moved it back by three months. SO I'm stuck in hell for another year...WHAT-A-DRAG!!!
The scary part would be getting out and not knowing what the hell I was going to do for a job, or school for that matter. I don't know WHAT I WANT TO BE!!! I don't know if I could teach like my mom, or if I would even want to.
I've wanted to go the University of Georgia for most of my life, and I want to much to get there, I just don't know how or when I will get there.
It does bother me A LOT that I don't know my job as well as others do and I feel rather incompetent doing it sometimes, and all I want is to be good at what I do and UNDERSTAND! But the biggest thing is, how do you learn or understand if there's no one their willing to take the time and teach you?
Another thing is, I don't like it when people yell at me in front of others. If you have a problem with me or with something I did, come to me, don't announce it to the whole shop or shops. That's just wrong, and it's considered throwing someone under the bus. Secondly I'm a very private person and you yelling at me and talking down to me in front of an audience, is considered a violation of my privacy. I don't want the whole world knowing about my mistakes. Granted, I'm human and I will make mistakes and I accept that, but why can't other people accept the fact that there are better ways to talk to people in order to get what you want.
I know that being nice all the time isn't going to get you what you want, but talking down to someone and yelling at them like their stupid isn't either.
My question is: How do I leave the Navy and be able to financially support myself? Is it something that I can do, is it something I really want, or is it just a way for me to feel some sort of relief?
I don't know what to do next...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I wonder why things have happened the way they have.
Wonder why after all the time it took Mighty Mouse and I to be together, why in the blink of an eye, he was gone. With out even a fight or a second glance.
I most often wonder how he is, and if he misses me as much as I miss him. I'm glad to know when he's coming home. Excited for him so he gets to go home and see his kids. And of course Brinkley the Sheltie. They are all cute, the kids and the dog that is.
Then the other times I wonder, why did I ever develop something for an idiotic Curve Ball? The guy hasn't a clue. He's been my friend for years and we've been close the past few years. I've been there for him through his divorce, through the pregnancy of my best friend and room mate, through breaking up with his ex girl-friend (who was a bit on the loony side) and most recently through his DUI and MAJOR possibility of being separated from the Navy.
He has no clue...neither do I, I'll admit. I don't know why I feel for him. Maybe it's because I have such a big heart or maybe it's because he's just filling in the void.
I recently found out that he asked his current girl-friend to marry him, naturally she said yes. He even got his son to help out with it. I think it's the most ridiculous thing he's done YET!! Granted that's my OPINION, but it's still an opinion. I don't feel like they belong together. They haven't even been together very long and all of a sudden he thinks "Oh maybe I should marry her, she wont leave me, or nag me" I think though he's doing it for all the wrong reasons.
My OPINION is he's doing it to save face in court when he goes in for his DUI charges, and also because his former best friend and ex-wife are getting married. So he wants to get back at her by doing the same. I don't know though.
But the reason why I wonder so much is because I'm invited to Vegas, well BEGGED, I decide to come, and then I'm lied to WTF? I don't get it I wonder what's going through his small little pee brain...granted I never wanted a relationship but I did want a chance. A chance that no once seems to give me. They just give up and walk away, don't even try, just give up.
I wonder why he doesn't or didn't see our connection. I know I'm in love with Mighty Mouse, and he's the absolute one and only mouse for me! =) But why do I like someone else? I understand your going to be attracted to other people, but why this idiot? It hurt to hear that Curve Ball had asked that famous question we all long to hear, but not as much as hearing that Mighty Mouse thought we weren't meant to be after all these years...I don't know...
I don't know what to think or what to do. Fighting is what I can do, I just don't know if it'll work...for either one...I just want to have my Mighty Mouse home with me and Daisy.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Fear is one of those things that shoves your head under the water and holds it there forever, expecting you to breath while your under. Never knowing that if you could you would, so you suffocate. You suffocate on fear.
For me fear holds me back from a things here and there. Especially when it concerns me and something that involves me.
I'm not generally afraid of many things, just emotional issues. I fear the answers I will get, and I fear being hurt.
Fear is also one of THOSE, that holds us back or knocks us down, expecting us to get down and stay down and not try and conquer over it.
I fear telling Mighty Mouse that I love him still, and that no matter what I just want to be with him. I fear telling Curve Ball that I enjoy hanging out with him, and spending time with him. I fear telling both of them that I'm an incredible person and if there not smart they will miss something tremendously wonderful (and it's not often that I toot my own horn like that).
Sometimes I fear that I'll never see Mighty Mouse again and that just kills me, sometimes I wish I could let him or tell him to read what I write here because this is all me with no hold backs, a lot of honesty and full emotional input.
But then again there's that fear thing coming back again, and it tells me not too because I don't know the out come of it. I'm one of those "WHY?" people. I tend to ask why a lot because I fear the unknown. Basically I'm a big 'ol freakin' scaredy cat.
How do we overcome fear? How do I face my fears, and face my fears alone? Once again there's that alone thing, and here's the fear that goes with it...I fear living the rest of my life alone, with no one to really share my life with. I was almost there, almost done with that fear, when everything came crashing down around me.
Fear is what holds me back from telling the people I care about how I really feel. I don't want to jeopardize my friendships or relationships with them, so I don't say a thing, and I watch them be happy, as I drive away wondering when it will be my turn.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I'm a people person. Unlike some people in my family I do enjoy being around people. Granted, just like everyone I like my alone time too, but I've had enough of that to last me a long while.
Is it so much to ask for to have someone special in my life? I'm 25 for God sakes, and I'm a FREAKIN 'LONE! I don't know what the hell has gone so wrong that the people just give up on me with out even really trying. That's what I feel like at least. I feel like people give up on me before I or we've even had a chance at anything real.
I miss having someone there at night to talk to and share my thoughts with. With Mighty Mouse and I not talking much and him being out on the boat, I find myself missing him more and more. Although he would never know it. The few days that we spent together were some of the best.
Having someone to hold me close at night is something I miss as much as his voice and presence. Is it so much to ask for to have someone do that? Sometimes it hurts to see people so happy when I'm not. It hurts me to see people that have significant others so happy and here I am with no one.
What can I do, besides sit here and wait? I have no clue, I can't even tell Curve ball that I like spending time with him no matter how annoying or loud he gets. He also has a girl-friend, but that's hasn't stopped us from hanging out before, but now that he's back in town it is different.
I hate being alone.