Not ok...

I'm not ok, and I can pretend all I want that I am but I know that I'm not. I don't want anyone to see me or know how hurt I really am. I don't know what to do, I'm at a loss and very very frustrated. Sometimes when I think of the great times we had together I wonder why and how we got here to this point. I don't understand it I really don't and talking about it doesn't even help it just makes me even more frustrated because I can't do anything about it, not matter how hard I try I can't. I'm so hurt no one can understand and I really don't want advice form people, I just don't know what to do. I think now about how his friends must be really happy that he's gotten rid of me and his family too. His family never even met me and is probably glad that were no longer together. He meant so much to me and I can't even tell him, it's like we never meant anything to each other, and I almost wish I had never met him, never fallen in love with him, never seen him again. I can say again and again how confused and I don't understand how this happened, but it doesn't do anything. I loved him so much, and I just want to understand this, I want to know what I should do, but no one can tell me that. Part of me just wants to hurt him so bad for hurting me to understand how I feel. He's always been the one I could talk to and now I can't even talk to him. The other part wants to just put him in box and forget, I just want to forget everything so I don't have to feel this way. I want to send everything he ever gave me back to him, hurt him. But I really don't want to, I just want to understand, I just want to talk to him and I NEVER GOING TO GET THAT!!!! I'm so tired, I'm tired of talking about it and I'm tired of thinking, I miss him though and I just wish I had never met him.