Tomato soup bowl

As I was cooking my dinner tonight...wait, let me re-phrase  that, as I was heating up my soup I was reminded about something from when I was a kid. The reason I was heating dinner rather than cooking per-se is because groceries have been costing me more money, so now that its getting colder outside, I'm resorting to buying soup, since it's cheaper and just a bit faster than preparing an actual meal for just me.

When I was growing up, my Mom had gotten these set of bowls as a gift. For what I'm not sure, there were four of them and each was different. One was onion, another was potato, another was mushroom, and the last one was tomato. They were really cute, they had recipes on the front for each different one, and they each had a handle like a cup on them.

For some strange reason, I would not eat out of any bowl but the tomato soup bowl. I didn't like tomato soup, really didn't even like tomato's at that point (still don't). It never failed that each time Mom served something that required a bowl (other than cereal and ice cream) I could be found eating out of that bowl.

What reminds me about that bowl, and I'm sure Mom has a picture of me eating out of that bowl too, was I was fixing myself vegetable soup for dinner. That's one of the soups that I always eat that and chicken-noodle. It's just one of those things as a kid that you tend to cling to, almost like a security blanket, except mine was a tomato soup bowl.

Kinda funny when you think about it!

Wants vs. Needs and a little rant about computers

For most of my life, I do believe my Mom has always talked about wants vs. needs and vice versa. I believe she tought me that it's not always about the wants but more about the needs.

I've been thinking a lot lately of a lot of wants. I keep thinking I want this and I want that, but how do I get that want? Then I have to stop, smack myself in the head and tell myself to shut the hell up, because I don't have anything to spare to splurge on a frivoulous want. Now I have to think about, what do I really need? Is is a necsessatiy? Is it something that can wiat? The one thing that tends to go back and forth on the needs and wants list is books, I love to read and I haven't read in a while. For the moment I'm waiting for the last of the Inheratince cycle to come out. For those of you that don't know, it's the last of the Erragon books.

There's so much that I want to do but can't at the moment, but human nature just makes me repetidly think about it. One such thing is an iPad and an iMac. I DO need a desktop, the desktop I have currently is OLD and OUTDATED, it's currently running Windows XP service pack 2. I even have my first laptop that has Windowns XP but it's service pack 1. The reason I believe I need a computer other than my laptop is the fact that my laptop recently went all wonky on me, and I can't update iTunes, or uninstall it, and the program that I was told to download and PAY FOR to fix the problem, couldn't fix it, and created an issue with my speakers. If I plug my headphones in, I can't here anything, the light on my laptop says the volume is on mute, but it's not I canm turn it onm and off but the ligfht never does.

My point to that rant is, I need to get my computer fixed, but I don't have anything other than another older than my current laptop, to use, but it doesn't have Microsoft Office on it. I made the mistake of trying to uprgrade that computer to Windows 7 when it came out from Windows Vista. BIG PROBLEM, BIG BLUNDER. My computer didn't really like it so it hasn't worked the same since. Ever since I got my newer laptop a year ago, I've been trying to figure out how to get rid of my older computers. I've been doing my best ot purge all information so that it's just bare bones of an operating system.

Wow, that was quite the Bunny trail I went down, sheesh let me get to the point. I need to fix my laptop but everything is on this one that I need for class, including the software for my Eaglevision classes. That's why I THINK I need a new computer. I want an iPad because they are so FREAKIN NEAT! Mom, has one and I was continuously commondering it when she was here two weeks ago.

SO to really break it down,, I'm putting myslef out there with my list of wants and needs, I'm hoping to find a way to acomplish this list all my own. I think it's important (at least to me) to be able to accomplish things on my own and by myeslf, makes me feel like I earned it more.

Wants

• iPad
• new douvet and sheets for my bed room with bedskirt
• new house
• Christian Loubuittin sparkely heels
• L.K. Bennett nude heels
• To take a cruise with some friends
• Go to Europe with Mom
• Get all my artwork in the house framed
• Get more decoration for the house
• Chirstmas tree
• Comcast internet and TV

Needs

• JOB
• More winter clothes than what I have
• Money

As you can tell I have more wants than needs. I hate the feeling of not having enough money, and being scared out of my mind everyday about what is going to come up next and bite me in the ass. I'm looking at differnt jobs everyday, I thinkmy biggest problem is I'm not finished with either of my degrees. One will be finished in March, the other should be May or June.

To me we are a wanting society. It's always about the want and less about the need, We need to help the holmess, but we don't want to take the time and do it. We need jobs in America but we want to go somewhere else that has cheap labor, so that anything that is wanted can be bought because the owner operator of the cheap labor is turning a high profit. Yet again, we need jobs, but the people of Congress and the politicians do not want to work together to figure this out. Word to the fat cat's on the Hill....Pull your well paid asses out of your rear ends, and help us find a solution!

Well that's my rant for the night, I'm going to wash my face and try and sleep, good night all!

Traveling bug...

I know, WOW...TWO in one day! That's saying something for sure! It's just something I've been thinking about and I just wanted to share my thoughts again. It's been three years since I've been anywhere outside the continental US, and I'm longing to get out for a vacation. My biggest desire is to go back to Europe and visit Paris and London again, maybe even see Italy again.

When I was eighteen I went on a cruise with my Nanny and my three year old cousin. It was on one of the newer cruising companies, but one that is very much up my alley. I went on a Disney cruise. It was a lot of fun for me, I was still a bit scared at that point to go out on my own and try some new things but at this point I'm less gun shy and more gung-ho!

They have a new ship that is making it's maiden voyage in March called the Disney Fantasy, and I WANT TO GO! Maybe not necessarily on the maiden voyage, but on that ship YES! I was just looking at photos and videos of the ship today, and boy howdy is it neat. They have this really neat water slide that goes over the side of the ship that they uniquely call an AquaDuck. No, not an Aqueduct an AquaDuck, in honour of Donald Duck. Who happens to be my favorite duck.

They (the imagineers at Disney) build their ships around the attractions, which is very different from most cruising companies. The neatest thing is that not only do they have families and kids in mind but they also do a lot for the adults. They have adult only areas two adult only restaurants, as well as a health club and spa. Almost every night theirs a Broadway show that is performed and theirs always a movie playing in a stadium seat theatre, as well as a promenade deck to run around if you feel like it. The new ship is very different in size from the first two ships. The Disney Fantasy and the Disney Dream are much bigger and have more to offer.

This picture shows the differnce between the two newest ships and the older ships that are in the foreground. Somehow some way I have got to find myself cruising on the water again.

M*A*S*H

Most people older than I, will know what my title means, some that are younger or my age may know too, but since this was a sitcom slash dramedy in the 1980's. It's probably a show you wouldn't think someone my age would like or own. But then again, I'm very different from a lot of people my age.

I could easily say its one of my favorite old shows. I have the first four seasons on DVD. You can watch them as re-runs on TV LAND and other networks, its just such a different show from what you see today. I love it and enjoy watching it over and over again.

MASH is set during the Korean war. The best part about the show is the humor. It's humor that doesn't have to be profane or inappropriate. The humor is poking fun at the situations with a lot of sarcasm pointed at a lot of historical figures and events that take place during the war. There have been some people who look at me like I'm crazy when they find out I actually have it on DVD.

My opinion is, don't knock it 'till you try it. It's just a show that has humor that you don't find in today's world of TV. There have been times when I'm rolling due to something that "Pierce" has done to "Frank Burns" or a combination of "Frank" and "Margaret." I've been watching it again the past couple of nights since I've been sick and yet again can't sleep. To me it's a show that doesn't get old. If you have the time and want to try something new sit down and watch an episode or two. Never know, you might just like it.

Thoughts all over the place

I know it has been a while since I have taken the time to write down my thoughts here for everyone to read. The semester previous to my current semester was a doozy. I had four classes that lasted for at least four hours or more each day but Friday. That was the most classes I had since I started at Gainesville College in 2002. Yes, it has been that long.

Currently I am unemployed. My plan A has not worked well since I can not go into the reserves with an open disability claim, and my claim still is not finished. At first being able to sit back and not have to worry so much about getting up or being late was nice, then the more I thought about, and the more that time passed the more I began to realize and fret more about not having more than just my BAH to help support me.

It's tough, very unpleasant, and I'm not even collecting unemployment. It's also getting to my favorite shopping season, and I have no money to shop either for myself or for my friends and family. My Mom was kind enough to let me buy some things on our credit card the other day, I really need winter clothes, I don't have that substantial of a wardrobe these days.

I went to the Georgia vs. Florida game on Saturday, and once again I was reminded of how much I want to go to the University. When we won and the players were running to the band and celebrating with the students, I just thought to myself that "I want to be a part of that." It's always been my desire to go to UGA ever since I was six and I went to my first football game. I'm almost done at Embry-Riddle, and I don't know what is next after I finish this summer.

Mom will possibly be shocked by my admission of the fact that, the thought of returning home has been running through my brain the last couple of days. Maybe it would be easier to return to Georgia after all, not that I don't love living in Jax, it's just if I want to go to UGA then somethings going to have to give. I don't know if it's a smart thing to do after all my hometown is not the brightest crayon in the box. But, I would be closer to family and my sister. Apparently our father has been driving her up the wall lately. Gee, why does that not surprise me?

Another thing is one again I'm just feeling a bit frustrated and sorry for myself. Not only because I've yet to successfully procure a job, but I still have no significant other. It's still just me and the dog, and everyone is always saying "oh you'll find someone" or "just be patient," frankly I'm just tired. I still believe that it's just going to be me and the dog for here on out. Sometimes when you're the kind of person that wants to share so much but has no one to share with, it just sucks. It would be nice to have someone to share my burden with right now, going it alone has taken a lot out of me.

I have so many thoughts and also fears, but that's just the way things go. I guess you could say or ask when is my luck going to change for the better?

Feelings of failure

I hate failing. Especially when I try.

It gets to me when I fail, I don't like being a failure or the feeling or failing a test. I know I lack self confidence and maybe something else too. But I try hard and when I've taken my time looked up the answers and thought that I understood what the question asked and still I get it wrong. That's the lowest feeling on earth for me, besides rejection. I always failed when I was in school and I would always get grounded until I pulled my grades up. That and I would have to listen to Moms disappointment and embarrassment that she has a child that was failing English, the subject she taught.

Meteorology is not my cup of tea. I'm trying hard to understand the curriculum and what is being taught, and I really thought that I had gotten this section of the book about clouds and frost, but I didn't. I hate myself right now. I know it's not the end of the world, but to me it is. I try hard to get good grades, and I do the exact opposite of what I did when I was a kid. I actually turn off the TV so I wont have that as a distraction. the only noise that's going is the dryer, and the a/c blowing.

I'm not sure what I can do besides study more. I'm really trying to get focused in my classes right now. I'm very overwhelmed at the moment, and it just doesn't seem like the sun is going to come out any minute. I'm also trying to find a job and do my best to not spend as much money as I did before I got out. On one hand I save more because I'm not driving back and forth to Mayport all week, and therefore having to buy gas at least once a week. That's a savings of at least 50 dollars a week, but groceries...I do my best to spend 50 my budget was 75 but my goal is to always spend less to save more. The down side is 50 dollars doesn't buy much these days. My question is when is going to change for me? When are my efforts in school really going to pay off, and when am I going to feel like I don't fail every weekly test that is given in meteorology. I'm a deans list student now, and failure is just not an option for me. That's probably the one good thing the military teaches you is the fact that failure is not an option, you have to do your best every time to succeed, that's the only way that you can succeed is by trying your damnedest, and that's what I'm doing. It just....sucks...no matter what, it just sucks.

I hate the feeling of failure

Fear again

I know I have talked about fear before, and the fact that it is the one thing that wants to shove your head under water and keep in there, while you do all you can to push up and grasp a tiny breath. In my life, i have a lot of fear. Why? I'm not entirely sure, in my honest opinion, i have beliefs but that may or may not be why.

What brings this topic up again is Zelda. Zelda has just recently been divorced from her husband of two years. Of those two years that they were married, I would say only about nine months to a year were actually spend co-habitating. They had been living together before they were married when they were both stationed in Virginia, but when the got married she was stationed here in Jax, and he was still up in VA. It is sad to say the it was doomed from the beginning.

Zelda has (in my opinion) had a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that her marriage had ended or was ending. The whole time they were separated she kept wearing her ring, and she was already seeing someone else. Most people would have said that they were already divorced or separated and may or may not have worn there ring, such as she did. She has always felt throughout everything that she was still married. But that is her attitude towards her situation.

Although she has moved on and found a wonderful man who adores her and has waited for her, and would go to the ends of the earth for her, she is a little afraid. I don't blame her, I mean I would be too. As much as they both want a life together, they have spent the past six months apart. Zelda is back in Texas, and Ducky (sa copine) is in Virginia. She has gotten into a routine down there and she's afraid that everything that she felt for him might not still be there.

We had a nice long talk about that. It is a little scary when you are away from your significant other for such a long period of time, and after a while you have a routine without them, so when you think about including them in your routine again, it's a bit scary. You don't know what will happen when they are included into the routine again, but unless you let go of the tree and walk out on that limb, you'll never know what could have been. Don't let fear win! The moment it has won, it will do all it can to keep you from ever coming back up again.

I told Zelda that she should trust her feelings and not the fear. She would like to get married and have kids as much as Ducky does, but she's afraid. Mainly because of the ex-hubby. I told her to not only trust what he has said to her, look at his actions. Ducky does his best to include her into the major decisions of his life. He's currently looking for orders, and asked her where he thinks "they" should go. He want to go over seas, but she said she can't follow him overseas because they are not married yet, and she keeps putting it off.

Zelda has admitted that she's afraid, but then again I told her to think of his (Ducky's) parents, they talk to you and adore you and already consider you family. Did the ex-hubby family do that? Mmm, his brother and maybe a few others, but not his Mom. That woman, did not like Zelda at all. And when she asked his mom for help during their difficult time, she ignored her and blew her off, believing that her son would never put his hands on a woman.

Zelda thanked me for being "enlightening" I hoe she was sincere, I believer her to be but I'm unsure of most everything. Sometimes, it takes an outsider to talk to you and with you, so you can get a better perspective on how things could be. Sometimes that person winds up being one of your best friends that does what they can for you, and even if you yell at them, they are still there to back you up.

I'm not sure what Zelda will do. It breaks my heart to think she doubts what she feels. I told her that they are the perfect match for each other because they do their best to communicate and include each other in their daily lives. We both agreed that never happened with the ex. It was always what he wanted to do, and not what they wanted to do. Relationships have to be a give and take. One person can't give all and the other person can't take all. Some relationships do that, but then where do they end up?

I'm hoping that by talking to her and being their to listen as well as dish out my opinion as we have always done, that I have helped her in some way. The man she is in love with is a great big 'ol teddy bear, he was raised by some great parents, and raised by a military father, which in my opinion again, has helped shape him into the kind and generous man that he is. I consider Ducky my brother. He became part of my extended family when Zelda brought him to movie night one night, because he was the new guy in the shop. I consider him as on of the girls, and a great friend to have. I look forward to the day that he and Zelda finally get married. Once that happens, and the ducklings start to come, they will truly be the most deliriously happy people I know.

Chemistry

When I say Chemistry I'm not talking about the science of chemistry I'm talking about the chemistry that may or may not exist between two people.

I was talking with one of my friends today and they were talking about the chemistry that they had just discovered between them and someone she new, but barley. Has anyone else ever found that they have an amazing chemistry with someone, and that the moment that person walks in the room, anyone and everyone that is in the room can just fell the tension between the two of you?

When she began talking about her newly found chemistry, I thought about Mighty Mouse and the chemistry that we had together. It was something that I had never had up until that point. Also, I had never thought that in a million years I would meet someone so incredible and funny on a boat floating around in the middle of the Gulf. Chemistry between two people is something that is unexpected but a major WOW factor. It can have a good and also a bod effect on you. The effect will on you will not be known until it's happened.

 It's gotten to the point where I do my best NOT to think about him. I'm doing my best to move past that point in my life, and just keep on chugging forth. I met him during my first Mediterranean slash Gulf deployment. I had been working in the HAZMAT supply office and it was my job one day to "tag" the line to make sure no one else came and got in line, so we could all go eat lunch.

It just so happens that it was the very day he was the last one in line. We wound up hitting it off right away, talking and laughing, just having a great time. That's when the sparks of chemistry started to fly. I guess you could say that we were one of those people that instantly find chemistry together. We were lucky to have found each other.

The chemistry that we had together was amazing, and I loved every minute of it. If I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. It was an amazing ride.

What happened to the chemistry and what happened between us? Well, that is another story for another day, you'll just have to check back to see what else their is.

In a haze and funk

It has been a rough few weeks, and days. Sometimes, it seems as if the dreariness that I fell will never end and go away. Things have not been going that great for me since my stint on active duty has ended. My mood has been really somber, and very much teetering on the edge of endless tears. The frustration and the emptiness of my current predicament weighs heavy on my mind as well as shoulders.

It is not easy for someone like me that comes off active duty to come to terms with the fact that, after years of a constant motion of duty, I have to start all over again, and that means starting off at the bottom. When I entered the military eight years ago I had worked my way up from earning minimum wake of 5.50 an hour to 7.75.

Now a days the minimum wage IS what I was making then. It is hard trying to come to terms with it, as well as the pressure that comes with the searching of jobs. When you are on your way out of the military they really do not prepare you enough (in my opinion) for the obstacles that you will face, once you are on the outside. Although, I'm not sure what they could do differently to better prepare us for the outside.

It is never a fun time when the darkness begins to envelop me and threaten to take me down. A lot of times, it will take me a few days to slowly come out of it a begin to feel better. Mostly it's thanks in part to my friends and my dog that help bring me out of the haze. Mostly I make my self suffer because it is just me here. I'm not as lucky as some people that have someone to go home to.

Now that I don't have a constant day-to-day interaction with co-workers, I have a lacking of social comfort. School does not count because I only talk to them once a week. My friends have busy lives, especially Minnie. Sometimes I don't know how that girl does what she does...but somehow, she does it with grace and a warm smile. It does get very lonely not having someone to go on new adventures with. Evil twin and Zelda are in Corpus Christi, Ducky is in Virginia along with Chiana, Alex is a new mom, and doesn't share the same spirit as I do. They all have separate lives and I miss them all. These individual people became my family over the years.

Thanks to them all, I don't know where I would be without them!

It's hard to push away the darkness, especially when you are someone like me that internalizes everything. As much as I do need help, I want to be able to make it on my own. When I was growing up, I never wanted to ask for help for fear of being though of stupid. It takes a lot still for me to ask for help, mainly because as previously stated, I want to do it on my own. The thing that I have to realize is, I do need help, and there are people or a person to help...Mom. She may not be fully aware of how I feel but she does try to help me.

To those who have someone to go home to every night, that has someone to hug them at the end of the day, and tell them that everything is going to be ok. Please, be thankful, no matter what that you do have that someone there to support you. Me, I just have Daisy to go home to, and sleep with, and sometimes that just isn't enough. Everyone tells me that I'll eventually find someone, but I don't feel it.

Finding a way out of the haze is an every day battle, no matter who you are. I do my best to be an up-beat and happy person, but when the world feels like it's going to crash down around me, that's the moment that I feel despair and sink to the inside. I am my own worse enemy, I am harder on myself than other people are, and I berate myself for than anyone could imagine. To me if I do something wrong, or mess up on something it's ten times worse. No one could possibly do worse than myself.

It is never a fun spot to be in, the haze. If anyone out there goes through it if they ever need someone to talk to my inbox is always open. The dark and haze is not the place to be, I have to make myself get out more even though I'm almost afraid to.The moral of my story tonight is, it is never easy starting over. Thar's all for tonight, my darling Dizzy (Daisy) is ready to go up-stairs and go to bed, and my hip is bothering my again, so the pain is making me bid you adieu until tomorrow.

eBay

It amazes me sometime, what you can find on eBay. Lately when I can't sleep I find myself perusing the items of eBay.

I remembered a stuffed animal or a stuffed something I had as a kid, it was called a popable. It was some sort of strange looking thing, but it was cute. You could turn it into a football, a soccer ball, or a baseball. I had the one that turned into a football. I could never do it as a kid, so I always got Mom to do it for me.

I've also been able to find TON'S of different types of Barbies. I collected them for a long time, regular ones that you could take out of the box, and then the really nice ones that you were not supposed to take out of the box. I was stupid enough to take three of my "Gone With the Wind" dolls out of their box. I just wanted to touch their "real rooted" eyelashes. Scarlett's hair was gorgeous and I just wanted to feel how soft it was.

On one of my last shopping ventures I actually found the same cross-stitch book that Mom has., Although, this one is complete, it has all the patterns in there.

eBay has really exploded it seems to me. There is so much there, you can find anything from Antiques, to tutu's. Now people are even selling pointe shoes! If I needed to buy them all I would have to do is go to eBay, wouldn't need to go to a dance store of website, although I think discount dance sells them for less.

I'm tempted to sell my dolls on eBay, it's just difficult to part with them because some of them, well most of them are special to me. There's a wonderful supply of anything you could possibly think of in the world of eBay.

An idea

I have this idea...I want to set up a web page for people like me. I'm not sure what the entire concept would be, but I want to help people.

The other day I was thinking about when I first came in, I had no idea what to expect. When I went to the ship the first time, I was very unprepared. Now that I'm out, I would also like to be able to help that have been forced out too. I'd like to help by giving them easy access to information that is hard to get, and maybe answer some questions that people didn't think to ask.

Another part of it would be, maybe sending care packages to people that are deployed, that have no family or friends to send them things, so they ask our service to help hem out, send them goodies that they can't get where they are. I always loved it when I got homemade goodies, and I just want to be able to give someone else that joy of having so eying sent to them.

The beginning

There's no real way to start from the beginning, when you don't know what the beginning is.

All my life I have been surrounded by books. My Mom had a huge book shelf that her Dad, whom the grand-kids called Papa Chet, had built. It was a massive thing, but it held so many books, inludng some of my own. My Nanny (Moms, Mom) had a lot of books too, I rember all the different kinds of books and pictures. On top she had glasses that she collected on her many cruises.

I remember when I was little when we would go to the Piggly Wiggly, they alwas had these certain Disney books, Mom would usually try and get me one that I didn't already have. When we would get home I think I couldn't wait for bed time so she would read me my new book. There's one I still remember, it's vague but it was about Cinderlla and her ugly step sister, the book was pink, with Cinderella, Anastasia, and Drucilla on the cover looking in a mirror.

When I was six I started getting two or three books a week from something called Weekly reader. Funny thing is, I toted my weekly reader bag full of books to my first UGA football game.

I guess you could say, I was destined to love books. I have two bok cases right now, and one is completely filled, and the other is getting there. Whenever I was on the boat I would go through at least two or three a month. When your on the boat, there's not that much to do at night, so I would just lie in my rack and read. Mom would usually and me two or three for me if I couldn't get access to the Internet to buy own. Sometimes after I was finished with my books I would send them back to home to Mom.

I also had accumulated a lot of books when I lived I'm the barracks. When I first got to Jacksonville I had no clue what to expect, so for the first few months I lived there I had no tv unless I went to the common room. The number one priority when I first got to jax was to find a mall so I could find a book store and an American Eagle. That's also how I discovered my love of target, I had nothing else to do and didn't really know anyone, so I would just peruse the shelves of target.

At a loss

For the past few day's I've been at a loss...a loss of words, ideas, and as usual sleep. The only good thing about the past couple of days is, I got to spend some time with my good friend Zelda.

Sadly, the only reason she was in town was so that she could appear at her divorce hearing, and get her name changed without all the hassle. She also hadn't seen her soon to be ex since she left back in March. From what she told me, it was a little tense and she was a little nervous too.

I think I'm beginning to go a little stir crazy being at home so much, then again it is the end of the semester and I just want it to be over. If everything goes well I should be graduating in May. That just blows my mind, and makes me anxious at the same time. Once again, I have to do what I don't want to do...hurry up and wait. In the Navy that's what you do for every thing. Flight schedule, any meal on the boat, liberty lines to get OFF the boat, nothing but hurry and wait.

For the next 6 months or so I'm going to have a full load of classes, the one I'm not looking forward to is the cap-stone. Apparently that course is nothing but a big, long, drug out paper. I don't mind writing as long as I have a lot of info and can be opinionated about it. There is so much more that I want to do, but my University does not offer much more off the subject of aviation. I would love to study more on history, re-learn French, and dance. I miss dancing, all though I do it in all the time in my house, when no one is looking!

While Zelda was here we also went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt.2 in 3D. It was an amazing movie, and very emotional. If you've read the books then you know what I'm talking about. It's strange to say that I saw the first movie at IMAX, and that's what got me started on the books. I never thought that I would get sucked into that world before I saw the movie and read the book, but I did! I love going to Harry Potter over at Islands of Adventure in Orlando. It's so neat what they did bringing the movie alive like that. So amazing!

I guess that is all for now, Dizzy is giving me that look that says lets go to bed...I just hope tonight she decides NOT to sleep at my feet under the covers after I'm completely knocked out, and after I've told her numerous times not to.

Running rampant

It amazes me sometimes how much the mind will wonder. Especially if you're trying to sleep and your mind will not turn off. I have this affliction...I think, and worry, and review things in my head over and over and over. It gets most annoying when I'm trying to sleep. I've been given a sleep aide but I don't like the way it makes me feel. When it does work, I feel like I might pass out any minute and not make it to bed. I'm a closet control freak, I prefer to be in control. That way I can blame myself like I normally do when something doesn't go right.

Mom says I beat myself up way to much, and I need to learn to let some things go. Easier said than done. I don't know why I'm hard on myself, I just am, guess I developed it growing up, who knows!

It is always hardest at night to turn off my brain. Most of the time it causes me to toss and turn, losing sleep at each passing minute. Usually at that point when I know it wont shut off for a while, I'll either get up and read some if I have a book, or I'll watch TV for a little while longer until I can fall asleep.

Throwback, old school style!

Ok, I'm this really big kid. I can hear my mother laughing at that staement. I am and I am not afraid to show it! Does anyone remeber the old school cartoons? Like Looney Toons, or the old Mickey Mouse cartoons?

I've only seen a small amount of Mickey Mouse and company cartoons, I've seen more Looney Toons than any thing else. I haven't seen any good cartoons as of late. The ones that they have on today do not make that much since. For some reason they are lacking in the severly funny department. I could laugh and laugh at a good Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Now a days thanks to networks like, Boomerang, Toon Disney, and Nick Toon a lot of the cartoons that we used to see all the time are out there on those networks. Only problem is, you would have to have a satlight to see them, or comcast. Then  if you do not have the package deal then you still can't see them.

I was telling this to a friend of mine the other day over dinner, ans she told me that I should check out youtube. Her and her boy-friend are always on there watching old carttons. Boy howdy was she right! I've spent the past couple of nights watching old cartoons on the phone.

It's nice to be able to see them again. Cartton network has tried revamping Bugs and Daffy, but they are just not the same as the old versions are. The drawing is just a bit off, and they are trying to make it more modern, I guess. That was the great thing about old cartoons...THEY WERE OLD! The kind of humor that is in old cartoons is absolutley brilliant! That kind of humor just doesn't exist anymore, if you ask me.

If you really like a Bugs Bunny I'm going to put a video of one his cartoons in here so you can watch if you want to! Maybe you'll get hooked on Bugs again. Enjoy!

Outlet shopping

Do you remember when you were a kid and all the places your parents dragged you to, that you despised going to? I do!


What brings this up is the fact that over the weekend I went to the St. Augustine, Premium outlets. That was the first time I had been to an outlet center since I was a kid. It seems to me that outlets are the "bees knees" these days, compared to when I was a kid.


It was usually around school time, my Mom would take me and probably my cousin to the outlets in Commerce, GA. I never liked going. To me the trip was more for my Mom, than it was for us kids. The only place that was there, that we liked was the KB toys store. I don't remember what all was there when we went besides that place, but I think there was a place where you could make your own t-shirts. You chose the color and the screen print, and they would make it for you.


I've been meaning to go to the outlet center for a while. There are a lot more stores there that I like and want to check out. A great example would be the Coach Factory outlet store. I've been wanting a really nice designer handbag. Why? I don't have a great answer other than the fact that I like them, and I'm very picky about colors and what kind of bag I like. I felt kind of awkward walking in there since I know the bags are usually a little expensive. When I walked in they were very nice and immediately handed me a 30% off coupon! Now if that doesn't say "please shop here" I don't know what does. They were very nice and helped me out when I was looking for a wristlet, which doubles as a wallet. I found out that the factory outlet only has the discounted styles...BUT I did find myself a nice bag. It's smaller than I've had in a while but it looks better when you want to dress up. Vera Bradley is nice, but it's a little to casual for some things.


My bag is really cute, it's brown with the Coach "C's" embroidered all over it. I like neutral tone bags...they tend to go with just about everything. It was originally about $173.00, but it was already on discount for $109.00 with my "today only" discount of 30% I was able to get it for only $80.00. Now THAT is what I call a bargain.


Since I couldn't find the wristlet that I wanted I went ahead and went to the Coach store over at the St. Johns Town Center, and picked up the one I wanted. Then, today I had to go to the NEX and I went over to the Coach bag section, and found my wristlet for $10.00 cheaper than what I paid at the Coach store...SMH...next time I feel froggy, I need to go to the exchange FIRST then look at the factory outlet or even the regular store.


Another part of my outlet adventure was the Nike store. I needed some new shoes and work out clothes. They really didn't have that much to offer even if it was the outlet store. They had more at Dick's sporting goods that I liked, plus they had the shoes, but I decided I wanted to look for a bargain rather than full price. I was able to get one of the tank top style workout tops that I liked, for about $20.00 and it was originally priced at $45.00 I also got me some capri work out pants for $20.00 less than what they were at Dick's. Although the Nike outlet didn't have my shoes, I went back to Dick's and got the ones there. They were still on sale for $15.00 less than they were originally, even it was $75.00, there cute too...there PINK or magenta really and white. Somehow I've gotten into wearing pink again...I have no idea why, must be because I feel like a girl again.


When you work in a dominantly male environment and you can't do this and you can't do that, you take every opportunity when you are not working to look as smell like a girl.


Have I passed the discount (sorda) shopping bug to anyone? It's a little contagious!

Chiana

I met Chiana in 2005, she was sitting in the lobby of the barracks where we lived, waiting for a ride to the hanger. Her hair was like most coming from boot-camp; horribly chopped off. She was wearing her "Smurf suit" that is what we call our sweat suits because their blue, and you look like a smurf wearing them, and no one looks their smurfiest.

It took as awhile to become friends, mainly because we didn't surf in the same circles. Sometimes we did, and other times she hung out with the girls that she came to the command with. I'm not sure of the exact time that we actually started hanging out more. I guess maybe I started talking to her in the hanger during one of my many trips back and forth from the flight line. Back then that was a trek, our shop was located outside the hanger right next to the "active flight line" line. The bathrooms were at the entrance of the hanger, so it was a journey.

We have had some incredible journeys together. From boyfriends and babies, to different commands in different states.

I remember when she got pregnant, she was living with me at the time, and hadn't really been at the house long. When she finally told me, I didn't really know what to say...it was not something that was planned...sometimes I still blame myself for not making her go home with me the night she got pregnant, but I was tired, she was drunk, and all I wanted to do was go home and not fight with her about going home. After I told her I supported her no matter what, she finally broke down and told me the reason she hadn't really unpacked her things was because she thought that I would kick her out and make her go back to the barracks. It seems silly now, but back then she didn't really know what I would do. One night I had made cookies, which she loved, and there were some left over for the next day. I get up in the morning and there are NO MORE COOKIES! She had a craving in the middle of the night for them so she ate them. That's why I call her Cookie Monster...she really liked chocolate-chip cookies.

We have done such crazy things like getting one of those old time photo's made in St. Augustine, on one of our many treks down there. The last time she was here we went the the Pirates museum in St. Augie. It was really neat and there was so much to read and see, it was very technological in there.

For the past couple of years she has been in Virginia. I remember when she started picking orders she wanted to stay here in Jax, but she also felt the need to go to VA and be there for her sister, who was raising a baby by herself for the most part. It's not been fun her being up there and me still being here. There are times when I want to hang out with someone, and I want her to be here talking to me and laughing with me but she can't she's in VA.

She is absolutely my bestie, with out her being here for me in those dark times, I don't know what I would've done. She has been there to boost me up when I am down, and keep my secrets. She makes me laugh and some of things she says to me just stay. I really miss having her around, before she left I was teaching her how to cook. She didn't really know then, but I hope the knows more now. It was always fun having her as a sous chef in my kitchen, she made baking and cooking that much more fun.

It is only a few more weeks until I get to see my bestie, and hopefully her boy-friend Jason. I just can't wait for the times that we get to spend more that a few hours together. Mayhem will soon ensue.

Images

You take a picture, you look at the screen, and what do you see?

I know I don't see myself. I don't see myself in some pictures the way I see myself. It gets a little aggravating, and sometimes when their done professionally, I'm REALLY picky about how they look. If I'm not comfortable it shows in my pictures. Sometimes the one that's posing knows if the pose they are doing makes them feel like a dumb ass or not.

Everyone has image issues, some or more pronounced that others, but we all deal with some sort of image issue or another. In today's society it is a sad and common occurrence. Take for example, my evil twin, she thinks she is so hideous, fat, and pail so she constantly feels the need to tan. She is obsessed with tanning, well she's OCD as it is but that's a different story. Oh, and evil twin, she's a 5'3 roughly 130-135 lbs...that's average for her height.

There are times when I really want a candid shot of me to display but then I look at it and I cringe. It will take me several shots just to find the one that I like. Sometimes I wish society would just pull their heads out their butts and realize that not everyone is the same. We are all designed differently, it's in our DNA.

Maybe one day the first picture I take of me will be the one I think shows me the way I see myself.

For Mom

This is for my Mom...

My Mom is a very special lady, who has by some miracle raised me. It's not to say that we haven't had out moments where we were both mad at each other, but that comes with life, and parents. For years my Mom left herself in a position of being in an unhappy marriage, one that I believe she entered into and stayed just to give me a father figure, since mine had no clue what being one meant and still doesn't really get it either, we would later find out that dude #2 was a MAJOR A HOLE.

I don't blame her, never have. I just wish she had the strength to leave sooner than we did, but she will say the exact same thing. It is my opinion, that with age comes not only wisdome but strength. Sometimes it can take a cataclysmic event to help one change their mind. My Mom has been both Mom and Dad for me, doing the best she could. She would even help me with homework albeit when I didn't ask, and didn't want help because I'd rather struggle than ask...I don't know why, still that way today though...through lot's of arguments and frustrating sobs, she helped me no matter what.

Mom still helps me out when I need it, for some strange reason I tend to call her if not every day then at least more than once, sometimes if I was bored at work I would send her multiple emails just to spell out one word, just to make her laugh and possibly improve her day. I don't know where I would be without her support. When I joined the Navy she was there, even when I blindsided her with my decsion. She has been with me every step of the way on most major decisons I've made, even when I decided to buy my house.

Theres a lot to be learned from out parents, some will teach us strength, and some may not teach us anyhting. Mom's main goal was NOT to be like her Mom. Mostly we don't know what we have learned from out parents until it's either to late, or were smart enough to stop, think, and remeber what all has been done for us. I believe my Mom learned from her Mom, what not to do. I've heard stories from my Nanny and her sister that growing up for them was not plesant, in fact one of my Aunts told me that she never remebered her Mom telling her she loved her, and she was never hugged. My Nanny remebers being six years old and her Mom sobbing into her hair as she brushed it "what did I do to deserve this?"

My mother had a very different upbringing than me too. She grew up the youngest of five kids, that's probably why she is as smart as she is, she was always there when her siblings were doing their homework. She lost one of her brothers when she was only a teenager, sometimes I think that along with Nanny's upbringing is why she is as bitter as she is these days. Then again it could be that she was in two bad marrages...why does that seem to be the family trait? Find a husband, have kids, oh wait husband's a douche, find a new Mister, then this one is a MAJOR A-HOLE, get rid of that one, THEN they find the right one. Makes me wonder sometimes.

Mom gave me all she could when I was growing up, sometimes I think I had WAY to much STUFF! I loved Barbie and stuffed animals, so naturally I had a gazillion of each. I remember before Christmas one year going into the closet in the guest bedroom looking for something, and my Barbie dream boat was in there. Mom quicley shooed me out of the room, even though I had seen the boat, it did not even register on my brain until well after Christmas was over and done.

When I was six Mom took me to my very first UGA football game. I remeber being so excited, and I wanted to see the band, so Mom and I walked over to the bridge where the bad marches in underneath for the pre-game show. Mom and I also laugh about that game because if we hadn't gone that way we would have had to walk all the way up the steps from the hedeges, verses down just a few. Lucky us!

No matter how frustated with Mom I've gotten she's always been there for me. I've done some not so nice things and hurt her feelings before, but there were times when I thought I was doing the right thing and keeping here away. We learn from our mistakes and move on. That's all you can do in life is learn from the past, just not to live in the past.

Mom was there for the dance recitles, t-ball games, and the ever embarrasing parent teacher confrences...she was never easy to deal with those days. I still do a bit of tip-toeing around my Mom, beacuse I don't want to say something to make her mad at me, and therfore never hear the end of, yes we still have those moments, there not great but it's just a part of the relationship. I wouldn't trade my Mom for anything, sometimes I really think she does to much for me, and sometimes I think she should leave me high and dry but she always says that's her job, she's a Mom.

Needless to say Mom, but thank you for everything, even if I don't say it and sometimes I take things for granted I appreciate what you do, sometimes I just wish I understood as much as you do, but that's what makes me, Me!

Food...all kinds

I bet you could guess that I like food, bit then again maybe you couldn't. Well I do, ever since I was able to be out on my own I have this liking of all different kinds of food, mainly baking but i do enjoy discovering new foods.

The further I trace my roots back, the more I discover that my Ancestors came from France. They came from the Champagne region and also what the French call, la campagne ( countryside) of Brittany. How ironic I know but that's not what I'm talking about, I really enjoy French cuisine. There is something about their food that is addictive and delectable. I love bread and the French are all about bread and wine it seems, but they have so many different types of bread and usually it's fresh from the boulangerie (bakery) there are baguette, croissants and this really hard and round type I can't remember at this time.

Usually you can get all kinds of baked goods at a boulangerie from pâtisserie (pastries) such as my favorite, tarts. Sad thing is I can't find anything that would remotely resemble a bakery around where I live, there are a few but none of them make fresh bread. They mostly do cakes, cookies and some will even do tartlets which are smaller versions of a tart meant for one person. I like Strawberry, and fruit tartlets, those are really good.

I like baking more than cooking. Some would ask "isn't it one in the same?" My answer would be it's the same mess wise and production wise, but in the end baking to me envolves a lot more attention to detail. It's fun to try a new recipe and try to see how it comes out, and most of you know, as well as my mom, 99% of the time it doesn't come out like the picture. Baking is an adventure as much as cooking is and I'm always trying to "up the anty" by finding new things to cook and bake.

When I was growing up my mom didn't experiment much in the kitchen, probably due to some a-holes taste buds and I'm not talking about yet current Hubby. Although he is rather set in his ways, mom grew mire as a cook with him then she ever had. Her speciality is crockpot candy, sweet and salty all in one...oh how addictive they can be! I was having a conversation with my friend quagmire one night, just talking about cooking, and food. We both love to cook it and he loves to eat it! The thing is, I have not tried or ate sOme of the things he has. Quagmire has eatin all kinds of shell fish, like oysters, mussls, clams, and crab. All I've had is shrimp, lobster tail, and oyster stew (although I think I called it horsey stew, and naturally like any kid, I ate it with catsup). My family was never a big seafood conoiseour, we grew up on grits, mashed potatoes, a steak on the grill, porkchops, and collard greens. Sometimes I swear I can still smell my Nanny cooking them, man how those things stunk up the house...I NEVER ate them, probably because they smelled bad.

Italian food is another favorite of mine, oh, how I love pasta! Although I'm beginning to think that meat in the pasta sauce maybe a Southern, or an American invention. I made pasta ( which I keep forgetting I'm NOT supposed to have/ eat a lot of) the other night, it was...ok although fire roasted tomato sauc with Cabernet Sauvignon is NOT a good combo with meat, I think it's because Cabernet Sauvignon is a red wine, and it goes better with fish. I stay far away from fish, memories of catfish from the pond when I was little, although seeing a whole fried shrimp has not turned me off shrimp. That was a Greek experience...ordered fried shrimp for lunch at this place in Greece, and we got grief shrimp all right, eyes, attenna, everything!

Now, I can't make any Italian dessert, I can however eat some terramisu. Which is the classic italian desert of lady fingers soaked in expresso, with a vanilla custard and coco power lightly sprinkled. I'm having thst in just a few days, I can not wait!

Until next time, this is my end tonight! Happy?

"I am what I am and that's all that I am"

As I get older, I get the chance to look back and learn something else about myself and who I am as a person.

I gues you could say my favorite quote would be Popey's "I am what I am and that's all that I am." To me it says a lot and it speakes volumes, as some people would say.

I am the type of person that does not like to be put in akward situations. They make me feel very uncofortable, and that there are a million people staring at me, waiting for me to do something. When I was a junior in high school our prom was on a boat at Stone Mountain. I did not dance one dance, I did not pose for a lot of pictures (I did not have a lot of friends at that school or at that point) with people, I stayed up on the top deck of the boat for the entire night, just watching the laser show that was being put on up on the carving.

Sometimes, I think trhat the reason being was that a stupid boy I had once gone out with was there with a girl who was at one point in time, my marching buddy...

I would say hello and talk to the people that came up to the top deck, but other than that I hid from an akward situation. I didn't even dance one dance that night. My date was kind of a douche, and a dork...and not the good kind of dork that I like...he was just CREEPY.

It is easy for some people to be comfortable in their own skin...For me though? It's not...I am a very self consious person, but I have a really great personality as well as a big heart. I enjoy doing good things for people. Generally speaking, most are my friends and maybe someday they will repay the favor.

Another part of being me is embarassment, I don't like it. It goes back around to being in the spot light. Being in the spot light is NOT my idea of a good time. I don't like being the center of attention, and I don't like making mistakes either. I feel that if I make a mistake and there are witnisess to said mistake, then there will always be someone there, holding it over my head and the feeling that there are twenty thousands fingers pointing and laughing at you saying "you failed."

I get frustrated easily when I don't understand something. Most of the time it's math that is making me frustrated. I want to understand and understand clearly, I am still a little afraid of asking for help. Mom is the one that get's the phone call when I don't underswtand, and then if she doesn't understand...I'm screwed...well, not really...then I have to do my best to search through my book again, and scour the internet to find a problem similar to mine, so that I can understand.

Figuring things out on my own is a strong point. I like figuing out ways to make something work. That's how I learned to make my bags, I just looked at my other bags to get an idea of how to make it work.

I tend to explain myself to most everyone, I think Chiana and Evil twin are the only ones I don't have to, but I still feel the need on some occasions, and then I have these ladies tweeting in my ear, that they know how I work. Mighty Mouse was another I never had to explain myself to...untill the end that is, but that's another story for another day.

There is so much I want to do in this world I don't know if I will ever be able to do it all. One of my more crazier thoughts is living abroad. Either London, or Paris. Why? Because I enjoy forieghn culture.

Well I think that's enough for now, maybe more later.

Art

Art is something I love. I don't know what it is but I love it!


I'm not really into the whole paint on canvas, or modern art. Vintage art and old posters is what I really like. Photography is another part of art that I like. Harvey Edwards is one of the photographers that I'm partial to.



Harvey Edwards does ballet photography. I even have a copy of one of his works in my room. It's a very colorful piece. It's a bunch of costumes backstage at Ballet Boston Massachusetts.
It took me forever to find it, I searched all over art.com for it. I was trying to find something warm and colorful as an expression of me. I also have another one by him. It's called "Red Shoes." I have always loved ballet and point shoes, and this piece of art is one solitary pair of red point shoes in a sea of European pink satin pointe shoes.

The two pieces of vintage art I have are Parisian. There's a soft spot in my heart for Paris, and Parisian art. It's so different from everything, which is why I love it.

I'm an art nut! One of my favorite paintings that I wont bore you with a picture of is called "The consecration of the Emperor Napoleon" it's actually housed in the Louvre. The painting is HUGE it's as tall as the wall, and very wide, but very nice. The first time I saw it I was in French class (surprise, surprise) it was on a calender that my teacher had, and it seemed to me that I had seen it before. I instantly liked it, and I even have the calender page that has the paining on it still.



Take a look at the painting. Google it, and look how it's painted. See how the Pope is being ignored by Napoleon, and how tall Napoleon is.



Ever wondered where the "Napoleon complex" comes from?

Going out on a limb...

There come ls a point in life, as well as love and relationships that you have to go out on a limb.

And by going out on a limb I mean, putting yourself out there. Thats a tough thing to do, and many people are afraid of what that limb will get them into. I admit it, I'm a great big 'ol chicken! I'm afraid to go back out on that limb. The past time I put myself out there I got burned pretty badly.

My friend Quagmire is one of those as well. I saw how his girl-friend hurt him when she cheated on him, got pregnant and them said it was his. He's seen how divorce has hurt those around him and he doesn't want to go through that, so he puts up a wall so that no one can see what really lies beneath. The rare glimpses that I get behind the wall, I like the man that's there.

Its been a while since I was in a relationship and now a days the idea scares the hell out of me. Especially when I want to date someone I'm really good friends with. I don't want it to end badly if we ever get past the fear or the what if's.

I guess you could say the hardest part is that first step.

I put a wall up too, I'm just a scared a nervous, I don't want to find myself back at square one again. I do my best to live in the present and not to dwell on the last one that was, it drives me nuts!

How do you overcome your own fear of being rejected as well as your beaux's fear of a true relationship?

Math

I don't know what it is, but sometimes I get it and other times....I just DON'T!

Seriously! Can someone please tell me why the hell I don't get it!

I can do stuff on the homework and I do my best to carefully copy down the problems and work them out until their right, but then when it comes to the test, it's all Greek to me.

Math has never been my stong suit, this time around eventhough I get it, sometimes I think it has everything to do with my teacher and the lack of actual teaching that he does. I've never critized a teacher harsher than I have this dude, and my teacher from Aviation Law.

All my teacher did in Avi Law did was read from the book, jump around, talk about foot-ball, and then it was time to leave, class over. My math teacher just...doesn't get it!!!

I swear the dude is dilousinal when it comes to our class and our abilities. I understand there is a lesson plan that must be followed, but I think it can be adjusted to the needs of the calss. Not every calss is the same, let alone people.

I have never enjoyed failing, to me failing isn't an option. This is not like high school where you can go to summer school if you don't pass, this is the real world. I'm trying my damdest and nothing seems to be going my way.

Faling is something I did before I had a clue, it is not something as an adult that I want to have on my record, or my mind. I try and try and try again, I don't want to give up. I'm just not sure of what more I can do!

Class is almost over and I will be estatic when 1. I pass my class with at least and hopefully a B and 2.When I'm absolutely and completly finished with that calss and that teacher, I NEVER should have taken this calss with this teacher, it's obvious that I did not learn my lesson the first time around.

Some help would be aprreciated!